Happy 2010!

Sitting here in the hotel room in Oklahoma. I walked to a McDonalds today and it was surreal. All white people working there, most had missing teeth, and I was the one with an accent?! Also they just STARED at me like I was a celebrity. I was wearing a black coat, jeans, and boots. I need to go back to California. Can't believe I am spending my New Years Eve in a hotel room.

First of all 2009 was amazing. I am going to try to recap month by month.

January: What I thought would be a super boring interterm, turned out to be an awesome everyday hang out in the dorm with my RA who ended up being my housemate and an awesome friend. Also Kelly's new single came out and made history by going from 97 to number 1.

February: I got an awesome surprise when my favorite Oregonian, Maddie, got to make a surprise visit to California for her 21st birthday. We went to Disneyland, took her Chick-Fil-A virginity, and she ordered her first drinks at BJ's while all of us Biolans watched.

March: I was freaking out about housing at this time because my then roommate was supposed to be graduating (wow, that is a different story now), and I had NO ONE to live with for senior year. Then plans were made to live in a house with some awesome people, and I had never been happier. Also Kelly's new cd came out this month, and I bought it opening night.

April: Had an interview with Campus Safety...obviously after many more interviews, they decided I was the one they wanted and I work there now. Not very much because I like my other job better, but somehow they still keep me around. Also I turned 21 this month but it wasn't that great.

May: WANGO TANGO! Bry, Abby, and I went and saw many acts, including Flo Rida, Soulja Boy, All American Rejects, Jamie Foxx, Black Eyed Peas, Pitbull, Lady Gaga, and KELLY! It was so awesome that we promised to go again next year even though Kelly won't be there. Seriously, it was just 6 hours of non stop fun and surprise guests. The surprise guests we saw were like all of my favorite people, and I flipped out everytime: SHAWN JOHNSON, cast of SECRET LIFE, cast of THE HILLS....ah best day ever. Also this month, during finals time, my sister broke down in LA, my roommate totaled her car in a huge accident, and I had to move out of my dorm in 3 hours (locked myself out of my car while doing so and they were in the bathroom the whole time).

June: Officially moved into the Poner house. We went line dancing at a place called InCahoots. Haha. probably one of the funniest nights out ever. I also started working at Campus Safety and decided I didn't like it that much. I also got a raise at my other job so I worked there instead. Also this month, a guy I dated decided we would be great if we got back together. I didn't take him up on his offer, but I did get some free seasons of Arrested Development out of that.

July: Saw Kelly from the closest seats I had had at that point. It was so amazing for me. Also went to the OC fair. Also had a white trash 4th of July party at the house. Also got a new camera which I still adore. Also the church I had been attending disbanded and I still miss seeing those guys every week.

August: Visited Maddie and her family for 10 days in Portland! Then went to Disneyland and Catalina for my mom's birthday. Started school.

September: Ditched my stupid PC and bought a Mac and have been pretty happy. Also got to take some of my favorite friends to a free Kelly concert in Hollywood and it was soooo fun. Also saw Britney Spears and Jordin Sparks at the Staples Center. Pretty awesome, but I just realized I am spoiled because I see Kelly so much that when I see other acts, it just does not compare. I also recognized another Kelly fan at the mall and 2 of my housemates decided this was too much and I had to go 9 days without ANY Kelly. It was difficult, but hilarious. I had to write an essay too.

October: One of my best friends Ashley came to visit me here at school. My awesome, super-fit friends, Jess and Abby, ran a half marathon.

November: Went to Vegas to see Kelly. Abby turned 21. Thanksgiving with my mom's side in Palm Springs. Bridgette turned 20.

December: Saw Kelly from 3rd row in Fresno with my mom. She loved it. I loved it. It was awesome. She sang my all time favorite song that she never sings, ONLY AT THE FRESNO SHOW. I still get goosebumps thinking about how lucky I am that she sang that at that show. Finished up crazy finals and the fall semester. My cousins celebrated first birthdays and a 3rd birthday and I can't get enough of them. Saw my dad, had a good Christmas, and am now in Oklahoma.

Hopefully 2010 is just as good, but it will be hard to top this year. I can't believe the year of my college graduation is finally here. In high school, this year seemed a decade away.

Stay tuned for my best moments of the decade post.

Thankful

That there are people left in the music industry with morals and credibility. And who thank God in each of their albums...I love to see how this individual started out and never lost sight of what is important.

"First and foremost, I want to thank God. This past year has been such a blessing and I haven't taken one thing for granted. I am thankful every day, not just for the past year, but also for my family, friends and life." Thankful. April 2003.

"God, you are so gracious and giving, there are no words to describe my love and passion for you. These past couple of years have been a bit hard and so crazy and I thank You for being with me and teaching me to just let things go and give them up to you.. because no matter how strong I think I am, I CANNOT do anything without you." Breakaway. November 2004.

"First, I want to thank God, Jesus and whatever force has been keeping me sane in this crazy world. I know you're up there and on my side and there have been times when I know that's the only thing that is keeping me going..." My December. June 2007.

"Thank You God for every breath, every miracle, and every gift you have given me when I am so undeserving. At the end of the day, we might not be perfect, we might not always win, and we might screw up big time...but we are here and here for the right reasons, and that's what counts." All I Ever Wanted. March 2009.

That is probably the biggest reason why I look up to her. She inspires me to be better and she is way out of her time in today's music. Can't wait to see what she does when she leaves her record label.

Merry Christmas.



She recorded that for her mom for Christmas.

Brandi Carlile

is amazing. (I know huh, I actually like other artists besides Kelly. If only you knew how into music I was...)

I love, love, love Brandi's voice and her songs. And I can't stop listening to this one. It's called "My Song."

Everything I do surrounds these pieces of my life that often change
Or maybe I've changed
Sometimes seeming happy can be self destructive even when you're sane
Or only insane
But don't bother waking me today

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung...
But this is my song
It is my song

Now I live every day like there will never be a last one till they're gone
And they're gone
I'm too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time
So you can come and get it from now on

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung...
But this is my song
It is my song

And it's you
It is you

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
I'm not sure I can take it
I'm nothing strong to hold to
I'll wait to only hate you
My mind is full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung
But this is my song

Failure.

I didn't pass either of my TPAs. I feel like this is the only place I can say it since I am embarrassed to put it on Facebook, or to keep annoying people on Twitter with it.

Now I know what it feels like to feel like an idiot. I think I am the only one in the program who failed both.

This makes me not want to teach. at all.

I have no emotions left about this matter.

Someone please tell me

how the Grammy nominees for best pop VOCAL PERFORMANCE include You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift), Hot N Cold (Katy Perry) and HALO by Beyonce?!

My point being, how could you nominate crap songs (vocally) like the first two. Then how could you nominate HALO and NOT Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson? They are the same back track and vocally, Kelly delivers more than any of those nominees!

Second, it sickens me that Halo is also nominated for Record of the Year. It's upsetting because Kelly suffers and is punished for all this, and she had the song first, and Beyonce rushed to release hers first. Beyonce, you have Single Ladies. Were you worried you wouldn't have enough hits? People in this industry work their butt off to put out quality music which they WRITE (cough, Kelly and not Beyonce, cough) and then this happens. The music industry is not about music at all anymore. It's about image, appeal, sexuality, and bubble gum hooks in songs.

It's sad that even the Grammy's are based on popularity and airplay now.

The good and fantastic news is the nominees for Pop Vocal Album are:

The Black Eyed Peas, The E.N.D.
Colbie Caillat, Breakthrough
Kelly Clarkson, All I Ever Wanted
The Fray, The Fray
Pink, Funhouse

sorry, but Pink is Kelly's only legitimate competition. If you have heard her whole record, you understand why. Kelly kills it on every song and the songs are all so different. Pink's album is great too. Sorry Colbie, Fergie (let's face it, she's the only reason the BEP are in this category), and The Fray. I think my girl Kelly might just be walking away with her 3rd Grammy.

Here I am...

I always write when I find something really cool, do something really cool, or am avoiding something not so cool. Definitely avoiding a lot of homework right now.

Good news is both TPA's are done. Went to Vegas successfully to see Kelly Clarkson and didn't break contract of course. IT WAS AWESOME. Don't ask me how many times this year alone even I have seen her. It's embarrassing. But that's my hobby ok? We did a bunch of free stuff in Vegas, it was so fun. I woke up the day after though with cigarette smell in my hair and a techno beat in my head and didn't even DO anything haha.

My sister turned 20 (geeze) and came to visit this weekend. We went to Disneyland. One of the best times at Disneyland I've had in awhile just because we did a lot of fun stuff and had fun people. I love Christmas at Disneyland with the fireworks and fake snow... so romantic hahahaha. Her car broke down though which caused stress and my mom had to drive down and take care of it. But oh well.

All I wanna do all day is watch ALL the tv shows I've been missing, download tons of music, organize my media on my computer and work on new video projects for fun. And that is what I plan to do Christmas break.

I had to buy a small heater because my room is kinda like a laundry room (door to the outside, tile floor, random sink) and is FREEZING. I will literally pass away this winter I think. So nice knowing you all. I hate the cold. Love the fashion, hate the cold. Hate it.

Here are my thoughts about Taylor Swift right now: too much too soon too young. She's only 19 and has won almost all the awards possible (especially the huge Entertainer of the Year). What's left? You've been around a couple years and done it all? That kinda sucks. Nothing to look forward to. Also she should not have won female vocalist at the CMAS. Entertainer, yes. But vocalist over Faith, Reba, Martina, and Carrie? Noooo way. Sorry hon, you can't even vibrato....now if it were a writer's award, then you should win no doubt.

Here are my thoughts on Rihanna right now. Way to go for speaking up about the violence. Way NOT to go for having new crap songs that are getting so much airplay it's ridiculous. A song about "pulling the trigger"...honestly...what a message. Crap music. But seriously, way to go for finally coming out and speaking about Chris Brown. What he did was unacceptable for the example he sets and he is lucky if he continues to have a career.

Speaking of airplay, I hate the radio down here. They play the SAME songs over and over and over. They won't play Kelly's new ballad Already Gone, but they will play Beyonce's Halo like it just came out (they have the same back tracking in the song so my point is that if they play one they should play the other). Honestly, I really keep getting disgusted lately that because of the media's perception of Kelly's image, they want nothing to do with her. Also, Kelly was nominated for artist of the decade, along with some others, for Rolling Stone's Artist of the Decade. Huge honor. And fitting too since she started the whole American Idol thing and entered the scene the beginning of this decade. So some guy writes on my facebook that it's DISGUSTING that she was nominated. Why? Why? because she isn't "hot" to you? She is an artist just like every other nominee. The shallowness of men shows when they make comments like that. He then said the only one worthy of their nominations were Beyonce, U2 and Coldplay. Well great, that's your opinion, but who are you to say it's DISGUSTING that a singer was nominated. I don't see why she's not worthy. I never got his reason why, but I bet it's because he knows nothing about her (probably only thinks of her radio hits and pop image back in the day) and thinks she's just another Idol winner that hasn't made her own way. People need to research. I don't write this post because it's about Kelly. I write this because it is an example of people making judgments when they have no prior knowledge. Especially such harsh judgments as the word 'disgusting'. You better be able to back up that opinion because I am sick of it and society's unreasonable demands. So many times I feel like I can't keep up with what I should look like. "need to work out, shouldn't eat that, get up earlier and put on make up". And then I realize, I am fine with how I look. This is how God made me. I shouldn't have to work extra extra hard to try to be a size 4. So when people say things such as 'disgusting' about a woman who is completely normal and has to deal with that in the public eye, then I am going to feel that I am just as disgusting since most of the time I am too lazy to try at all. So keep that in mind if that boy happens to stumble upon my blog (doubt it) hahaha.

That made me feel a LITTLE better.

Life

so busy. moving so fast. my days usually go like this:

chapels, class, meals, work, homework, sleep, maybe work out but usually not.

I have 2 TPAs due in a week and a half. Most of you do not know what that is. As an education major, I have to complete a thing called a 'teacher performance assessment' and they are really long assessments pretty much, with tons of questions on how to get content across in the classroom when different factors are brought into consideration. I have started on one, but it is still very stressful to know that 2 are due, along with my regular school work. I have to be more disciplined but it's hard when "I can't focus until my Itunes is organized correctly" or "Well, I can't do my homework until I do my laundry". So dumb.

This past weekend my family was visiting, checking out Point Loma for my sister. So I had dinner with them and stayed with the in the hotel. My mom and I are going to see Kelly Clarkson 3rd row in Fresno, December 1st, so we talked about that a lot. I actually have a lot coming up:

Next weekend is Halloween. Not doing ANYTHING (kinda disappointed because I always wanted to do SOMETHING for Halloween while I was in college). Oh well, my friends are coming over to watch a few scary movies that night. I also will be finishing one of those dreaded TPA's that weekend.

Weekend after that I am going to VEGAS to see Kelly at the Hard Rock Cafe with 2 of my closest friends.

Weekend after that is my sisters birthday and she wants to come down to Disneyland so she can get her pass for cheaper on her birthday. She also wants to go to a TV Taping but I said only one thing. Also we get to meet up with my old church friends there too so I am super excited since I haven't seen them since I changed churches.

Then it's Thanksgiving. I will be spending it with my mom, sister, and my cousins in the Riverside area who have 2 young kids. So should be fun, never had Thanksgiving with them before. I always have it with my dad's side. For Christmas though, my dad is coming (first time I've seen him in over a year and a half) so we will be with his side which is always fun. Then the 30th, my mom, sister, and i fly out to Oklahoma to do things with my mom's side. I am sad I am missing New Years though since I always spend it in Visalia with the Rodriguez's, since laura's birthday is on the 31st. Our tradition of building a fort and living in it for 3 days NEVER gets old.

Finally after all that, I return to California on January 6th, and it's back to work I go. Then I will be starting my last semester of school. For now at least.

Biola had it's annual Torrey Conference this past week. No classes because we have to go to sessions instead. It started off bad (usually does) and by the night sessions, I was so into it. Great speakers that set my heart on fire for God. I love looking around and thinking "this is my school...I love Biola." Francis Chan closed the conference Friday morning and man, is he amazing. Go listen to his stuff on youtube. He tells it like it is. I can't get enough.

Well, that should hold you over for a few more months hahaha.

Freedom.

My punishment is over in the morning.

It was very difficult.

I need a life. Maybe if I had a boyfriend I would ditch this hobby.

Okay who am I kidding.

Other than that I guess everything is normal. Car got fixed (was only something stuck in the AC so no big bill, God is amazing as I write this from my new Mac), car got ridiculously clean due to the car wash workers incompetence in distinguishing 'seats' from 'carpet'.

I've had soooo much school work and looking at my planner for the weeks ahead just stresses me out. I just started in my first grade classroom this week too so I'll be in there twice a week. It's been good so far.

My good friend Ashley of 9 years is coming down to visit me this weekend. Should be fun. I think all the people in my life are awesome and have been constantly reminded of that lately. My Biola friends, my Visalia friends, my church friends, my housemates, my boss, my mom (most the time...we have gotten a lot better now that I am really on my own).

Ok...see ya...

Punished.

I am being punished by 2 of my housemates. My punishment is absolutely no Kelly Clarkson for nine days. I had to turn in my posters, ALL cds (even burned ones, which is all that plays in my car), my dvd, and my lifesize cutout of her. I am not allowed to listen to her song, talk about her at all, read anything about her online, and if I hear her in a store, or someone talks to me about her, I simply have to walk away (Walk Away…haha).

What did I do to deserve this you may ask? Well, my housemate Lindsey and I went to the Brea Mall to go to H&M. As she was checking out, there was a (gay) boy ringing us up. I recognized him and I knew what I was about to do would be epic. So I tapped Lindsey, raised my eyebrows, and said: “watch this…”. She gave me the most confused look, not knowing WHAT I was going to do, since I am usually the shyest, most awkward person around others. This is what took place next:

Me: “is your name Tyler ?”
Tyler: “yes, how did you know?! I don’t even have my nametag on!”
Me: “Haha, do you like Kelly Clarkson?”
Tyler: “ummm YES. Like borderline OBSESSED! My friends make fun of me! How did you know?!”
Me: “I’ve seen you at some concerts and on the online message boards!”
:::WE HIGH FIVE:::
Tyler: “No way that’s awesome! What concerts?!”
Me: “Wango Tango in Irvine , Costa Mesa …”
Tyler: “No way! Did you go to San Diego too?!”
Me: “No, just Costa Mesa…”
Tyler: “OMG, the San Diego show was AWESOME, they let us run to the front row at the end!”
Me: “NO WAY!”
Tyler: “Yeah! Are you going to Vegas in the fall, I just booked my hotel! I’m so excited”
Me: “No, I was going to but I am just going to Fresno instead. We just went to the free LA concert last week for Jimmy Kimmel.”
Tyler: “NO WAY, I was there too!”
Me: “Awesome! You got to meet her at Wango Tango right??”
Tyler: “yes, oh my gosh I was so nervous. Isn’t she the best though?”
Me: “yes, I am so jealous!”
Tyler: “What’s your username on the fanclub?”
Me: “Deeeeeb, but I don’t post, I just read haha. So you work here?”
Tyler: “Yeah for like a month now.”
Me: “Awesome, well nice meeting you!”

Me: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, hahahahahha, can you believe this?!”
Lindsey: “No Deb. Find a ride home.”

So since I embarrassed her, she and Delia came up with a punishment: 9 days no Kelly, because that’s how many times she wanted to kill herself when she was standing there with me.

It’s day 4 and has been hard because of Grammy submissions being made, and her first fall tour show tonight…

Thursday, when my punishment is up, they are letting me watch the View, since Kelly will be on. But I have to say how great Carrie Underwood is during the commercials…which is hard for me.

Anyways, I’m leaving the country because it’s so hard. Just kidding, I am going on a missions trip to Mexico today through Sunday, so I wouldn’t be able to be tempted anyways.
This 9 days will be good for me. But this is possibly the funniest story of all time.

Life's hard.

Picture this: I am about to buy a Macbook Pro (comes with a free Ipod touch!!!!!) and am on the phone with my mother because I am unsure if I am making a wise decision with such a big purchase. But after reliving the moment of when my PC turned itself off and died for an hour earlier that day, I decided if I don't get a reliable computer now with leftover student aid money, I would not be getting one for a very long time since graduation isn't too promising.

However, before I purchase it, I say to my mother "As soon as I get this Mac though, something is going to go wrong with my car". My mom says "You don't know that, you're being ridiculous".

Am I? AM I?! Because I seem to remember things I say coming true a lot.
(I've been driving for a year now, and never been in an accident! ::gets in accident the next day::).
(just bought my car, had dark window tint on the front windows, I told everyone 'ya I have illegal tinting, I am gonna get a ticket probably'. ::gets ticket next week::).
(doesn't feel well after having strep twice in 2 months "I probably have strep again". ::goes to health center, strep test comes back positive even though I felt no symptoms in my throat::).

Anyways, as proved above, I know my luck. Last Wednesday my car started making a rattling, broken sound. After a few days of playing with it, I figured out it was only when the AC was on, thus my AC pump/compressor was on it's way out. My boss called his auto shop and they said about $700-$800 to fix it. Oh that's nice! Let me pull some money out of my butt.

I am going home Friday to get it fixed at my place back home (they know my car's history). However, I am very very very devastated at the thought of shipping my mac back when I haven't even opened it yet. I even had the ipod engraved. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I guess God could be telling me that I shouldn't have bought a computer but I really can't use this one much longer.

Most college students would have parents helping them out in a situation like that. My parents help with nothing. My dad just sent me $100 for the first time in 3 years, thinking he was being generous. My mom doesn't have it, and if she did she wouldn't give it to me considering I have to pay for my own meals when I go home. So I will probably end up turning to one of my student loans to get it fixed.

I'm just really sad. I also love that car and don't understand how the AC could go out like that. I hardly ever use it, I'm always colder than anyone else. It has 46,000 miles on it and is 5 years old. Also my bumper seems to be falling off since someone decided to hit me.

I feel a lot like my car lately. Trying to hold it together to make it through.

In good news though, I had my graduation pictures taken today. That felt weird. I also get to go home this weekend and see one of my best friends for the first time in months and celebrate her 21st birthday a little late.

Oh and I'm going to see Britney Spears tomorrow night :) Jordin Sparks is opening. I can't decide who I am more excited to see...

Emotions.

I have a hard time with emotions. Sometimes people say I'm stone cold. I never cry at the movies my friends do. When my sister was lying unconscious in a hospital bed, losing tons of blood, my mom was a wreck and asked me how I could be so calm. I remember just looking back at her, with no words. I never cried, I figured I would deal with stuff as it happened to me. When my mom told me my dad and her were splitting, I just rolled over and went to sleep. When my grandma died senior year of high school, I got up and went to school just like any other day, while my mom and sister grieved at home. They always ask me 'don't you have any emotions, deborah?'.

well I do, I guess I just never know how to use them. I don't know why this is, I guess I don't like showing vulnerability. I never talked my way through hard times in the past and I feel like this is the result. I also get in trouble at home for letting my emotions sit inside me and then blowing up.

anyways, I have a point to this post, I swear I am not just being emo (haha as this whole blog describes why I CAN'T deal with 'emo'tions).

I have been having so many doubts the past months as to why I am an education major. Biola actually made a mistake and put me down as a teaching major and I just never changed it. I didn't know what I wanted to do anyway and I figured this is the only thing I could do probably. So recently I have been dealing with the effects that I am just a teaching major because I didn't have anything else I could do. I listen to the other people in my major talking about how 'teaching is such a calling' and 'God called me to do this specifically', and I always think 'wow I am just doing this because I have no clue what else to do'. So that has been tough and sometimes I would be really into teaching, and other times I would literally be googling masters programs in different areas that I could look into after I graduated.

Anyways, the other night in my 'Methods of Teaching the Linguistically Diverse' class, my professor opened with a story about a teacher who hated a little boy in her second grade classroom. He smelled, he wasn't smart, and had no friends. She wanted to like this boy but couldn't bring herself to do it: she just didn't like him and made no effort to help him either. She would write 'poor work, better luck next time' on most his work. Anyways, she looked in his file and saw that his mother died of cancer recently and his father showed no interest in the boy. At Christmas time, the boy gave her a tacky bracelet and a half full bottle of perfume. All the kids laughed because the gift was so cheap, and clearly from home. The teacher thanked the boy, put the perfume on, as well as the bracelet. When class let out that day, the boy went up to the teacher's desk and said 'you smell just like my mom did now. and her bracelet looks great on you.' The teacher cried and cried because she realized this boy loved her, and she didn't like him all this time and made no effort on his behalf. From then on she spent days after school with him, helping him with his work. He went from failing to passing. She received a letter from him years later, saying he was graduating high school third in his class. Four years later she received a letter saying he was graduating college second in his class. And after that, another letter saying he is now officially a Doctor, and is getting married in the spring.' The teacher attended the wedding and has never been prouder of anyone.

As I read that story, tears streamed down my face. I realized I do have a soul, and I do care about children. I want to be that person for that boy. I realized God must have put me in this major for a reason, even if somedays I cringe at the thought of being in front of a classroom. I will always remember this story and hopefully will stop changing my mind so much.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.

I really am going to try to start blogging regularly. I remember how it feels when I want people to blog and I keep checking and they never do...so I won't do that to you.

I left off with Kelly Clarkson in July. First of all, amazing. Closest seats I've had so far. Such a great night for me, she was so good vocally that night. More Kelly news is that Monday I am going with some of my closest friends to see her for free in Hollywood!!!!!!!! I am so stoked, I thought I was going to have to wait until December 1st (Fresno concert) to see her again, and everyone knows I hate waiting.

Then I spent 10 days in Portland visiting the Gremauxs, and it was awesome like always. Then right after Oregon was Disneyland and Catalina for my mom's birthday. I was exhausted. Also everything went wrong that weekend. Here are some examples:

Couldn't find our hotel. Went to dinner at Ihop but our cousin Crissy and her kids couldn't meet us in time so we had a big table for nothing. Woke up super early for disneyland (that means headache for me). Then my mom couldn't find our tickets and everything for Catalina so she is now convinced someone broke in our car and stole them. My sister and I are trying to convince her no one would break in just for those. She ended up finding them at the end of the day though but it caused a lot of fighting. My sister's debit card didn't work so I had to pay for her to get in (our pass had it blocked for the day we were there). My mom got a wheelchair since she had foot surgery but we kept hitting people with it accidently. Couldn't find anywhere to eat so ended up eating McDonalds at 11:30 at night. We drive all the way to Long Beach when my mom goes 'oh I forgot my purse back at McDonalds in Anaheim'. Drive all the way back to get it. It's 1:30am when we go to bed. Had to get up at 7:30 to catch the boat to Catalina. Felt sick on the way there. When we got there, the place we were supposed to eat lunch at wasn't open yet and we were supposed to catch a glass bottom boat ride very soon. Had to eat our lunch very fast and then get on another nauseating boat. Then took a tour of the island in a huge converted horse trailer or something, and it was super scary and close to the edge of the roads. Everyone was screaming like we were on a ride and I just kept screaming for my life, yelling THIS IS REAL LIFE, REAL LIFE!!! Then we finally go back and just wait for the boat since we were so tired. We get back to Long Beach and want chinese food but don't have internet so we had to go to the lobby and look it up. Found a place we liked but when we find it IT'S OUT OF BUSINESS. So we find this other hole in the wall chinese place. Then the next day we had to find a mattress for me and of course, more places we looked up ending up being out of business when we showed up. So there are some examples.

Anyways, started school though and it's hard. 18 units, 2 jobs, 35 hours in a first grade classroom, and keeping up with errands and chores. But I love all the people in my life and it's been great having out of state friends back at school. I also am excited about the art class I am in this semester. I am rethinking teaching lately and maybe going into some music business type thing but I am not being very practical. I just want a job that I will love.

Finally, I have had it with my toshiba laptop. I bought a Macbook Pro, with a free ipod touch. I am beyond excited. I had the Ipod engraved pretty awesome but I will show you when I get it. Also the Ipod touch will solve my problem of always needing to google directions and stores when I am out. I will never need gps! This is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok guess that's it.

ok ok ok ok ok ok OKAY

2 days til my 5th Kelly Clarkson concert. I don't care what you say, the reason why I keep going is because it gets BETTER every time!

also because I have never sat as close as 5th row, I have always been way up, far away.

ok so I am a little excited.

but I got majorly bummed today because her management team is going through hard economic times and no one has been running her fan club website, therefore, there were no meet and greets set up for this concert. and THEN they issue a statement saying they will get it fixed but that the Orange County show will not have meet and greets. JUST MY LUCK THE ONLY SHOW WITHOUT EM IS MINE. seriously, i hate my luck. I had a feeling since it is a smaller concert at the fair that I would have the best chance and winning one this time, but guess not. I will wait til the huge All I Ever Wanted tour in the fall.


also, I miss having a church. I also miss GCC and being in a youth/college group. I loved them but now I hardly know a lot of them because I am never home anymore. I will always have my unforgettable memories though I guess.

live and let dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahaha I wanna karaoke that.

oh yeah, we got karaoke at our house so that's prolly why I said that. it is the best entertainment.

1 week

until Kelly. That is all that is getting me through these days...

My mom and I are having our differences as usual and I am just feeling like everything I say to her she turns back on me. It sucks. I told her I was really lonely and felt that the people I thought were my close friends were not that close anymore and she just said that I make people feel sorry for myself by blowing things out of proportion. So that helped.

I also determined today, after a week of watching my diet, that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I can't even talk about it I am so upset. Cheese is literally, my favorite food. That is like taking away Kelly Clarkson from me too.

I have been thinking a lot in all the alone time I have had lately because of my lack of social life, and I can't believe how much I have changed. From high school, from last year...it blows my mind. I don't know if I am the person I want to be. I think I have given into a lot. I used to be one of the 4.0 kids in high school and now I do as little as I can to get by in a class. I used to play violin because it was something I was so good at and now what am I doing? I don't even play anymore when that was supposed to be my career. It was the only thing I was ever good at, I was mediocre at the rest. I guess it's never too late to get back into music but I have lost a good year and in violin, that is not good.

I also have been thinking about careers. I graduate in less than a year (unreal to me) and I don't really want to teach with a multiple subject credential. I don't see myself excelling teaching younger children multiple things in one classroom. I have always seen myself with the older kids, in high school, probably math. But I could never major in a single subject like that cause I don't excel enough in a single subject. So that leaves me with getting a masters in education and taking the CSET in a single subject matter or something. But with the economy, I don't see myself teaching at all anytime soon. They have fired so many teachers, but luckily would rather hire new ones right out of college because they can pay them less. So that's good, but still I am not so sure. Working in an office for 2 years now, I can really see myself working in administration at a school or something along those lines. Who knows, hopefully I can do that.

What I really want to do is edit and make youtube videos all day long, but let's be realistic here.

12 days

til I see Kelly from 5th row. I cannot WAIT. I am getting a new camera mostly just for this! Scratch that Canon I thought I was getting, I hadn't done enough research. It only had 3x optical zoom and did NOT zoom in video mode. Not okay. So then I decided on Sony Cybershot which had 5x zoom and I think does zoom in video mode. So I bought it the other day but didn't open it and decided to do a bit more research before opening it. Good thing I did because I came across a camera that had ALL the features I was looking for FINALLY. I don't know how I missed this one. It is the Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ5. It has 9.1 megapixels which is more than enough (once you go over 8 they all kinda look the same, you don't really need all those pixels). It has 10 X OPTICAL ZOOM, and even extends to 16.9 optical zoom! It also has 4x digital zoom. This camera is actually one of the only TWO that will ZOOM in video mode. It also still has the HD video which is what my main requirement was for my new camera. I was hesitant about getting a Panasonic since I hadn't heard much about them in the whole camera area, but the reviews are better than some Canons and Nikons. I have done tons of research, watched youtube video tests of this camera, and viewed picture samples. I am pretty confident this is the one I am getting now. Now the only problem is that NO STORE CARRIES IT. So I am getting it on Ebay and have to look so hard to make sure it's a new one. I hope I get to order it today. It's about time I upgraded my 3 year old, 5 megapixel, piece of crap HP camera that has served me well and made tons of videos for me, but also provided me with tons of red eye, a TINY lcd screen, and no audio on video playback. Also the way it had to say 'charging flash' before EVERY picture at night drove me and everyone I know crazy because it took forever to take pictures. The only thing I will miss about my old camera is that it ran on rechargeable AA batteries, which was very convenient. Now I have to get used to the lithium ion battery thingy.



Anyways, Kelly here I come. My videos will be awesome and so will the pictures.

Anyways, I am doing a bit better on the friend issue I guess. I just need to realize it's okay to have a lot of fairly close friends but it's still hard when you have stuff you need to talk about and you feel like no one cares/you can't tell them anyway. I almost resorted to hanging out with a boy I should not be hanging out with because I was lonely and I kept thinking 'who's gonna know and who's gonna care? no one is keeping me in line about my choices.' But that would've been stupid and a way to get back at no one but myself.

Anyways plans are in the making to go see Maddie in Oregon in August and I am so excited. It will be my only vacation this summer and it will be so good to see her. I feel like she really cares but she is all the way in Oregon always. It's cool to see how God allowed her to come to Biola for a bit though and how He has preserved this friendship over other ones.

4th of July

This weekend was 4th of July. We had a white trash party here at the house. It went okay. My sister and my friend Bry came down for the weekend and it was incredibly stressful. A lot of fighting and criticizing. We went to the beach where I got yelled at for driving 'dumb', we went shopping where I got yelled at for being too cheap and was told I'm going to end up just like my dad, we did a lot of sitting around where I was yelled at for not being a better entertainer, not having enough food and drinks, or a good environment (we are currently without AC and one of them had to sleep on floor).

Remind me not to have people visit again. I am a person that needs alone time once a day.

I just wish I had more uplifting family and friends I guess. It's been real hard lately to come to a realization that no matter how hard you try, you can't make people you thought were your close friends, be your best friends. You can't make them care about your life. I can't get close to God when I need to talk through my past with people, and I can't talk through things like that until I have someone who has been there and I feel comfortable venting to. Therefore I shouldn't let my past actions hinder what God wants to do in my life now, but it's hard to hear Him.

I will try to stop being so emo.

I am blessed.

Very blessed, to have so many people in my life that are awesome and care about me. I have always been the girl that goes through best friends though. Kindergarden, fourth grade, fifth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade...all were different best friends. Then enter Biola where I have kinda drifted from that stage. I have many great friends...great friends.

But it's hard when you don't have someone super close. I think everyone needs that.

So if you have an awesome best friend, thank the Lord for them tonight.

I'm not trying to be debbie downer, I just think it's hard to keep venting to a blog and have no one that truly knows me, like that's been there for major events through the years. Like when something huge happens, I wouldn't know who I would call first, no matter what. And I want to know/have that.

But honestly though, I lay in bed at night and just think about all the awesome people in my life. I have a good life right now so leave this post on a good note. I had a good day being stupid with Heather and Lindsey and making up things to do....let's leave it at that.

Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day. Doesn't mean much for me except I send my dad a card and call him. He sounds worse everytime I talk to him. It really worries me since he lives all alone up in Idaho and won't go to the doctor that much. He better make his yearly visit soon. I really want him to move here before he is unable to do so. He is not much of a 'father', and he hardly knows me, but I am blessed to have contact with him still.

My boss is going on vacation this whole week. Which means I literally get to go to work all week and do nothing, except answer the phone and pray that no one has a serious problem that can't wait til next week. Sometimes it gets stressful, since it IS insurance, but it's more stressful for me now that the other secretary is kinda new (not really but that's a different story) and relies heavily on me for everything she does. I expect more calls at home (yes that's right, I said MORE. as in more than I already get). What I'm saying is that I will enjoy this next week at work because I won't have actual assignments to work on and I won't have to pretend to be busy when I'm done. I also just got another raise at this job, which is so great but I am pretty sure I am leaving this job for campus safety in the fall, and my boss has no idea. It's tearing me apart because both jobs have such great pros and few cons. My boss at this job has done so much for me and now I am making more money and I also know how everything works at this job and he relies on me for a lot. So it's really hard to think about leaving. I've been there 2 years in August. That is crazy to me. It just makes me ask myself, do I want to leave a job where I know how everything runs and make good money, or do I want a change of pace at a job where I have to learn so many new things but have the convenience of working on campus? Ugh.

Campus safety job is going well too. I got golf cart trained last week which was like my driving test all over again, which is weird to take when you have been driving for five years now. I will probably not drive the golf cart that much. At least I hope not. I will get distracted easily and stop and talk to people. It will be a disaster.

I am really enjoying summer but feel like I still don't have the time I want yet to do the things I wanted to. I am taking 2 online classes and have so much due tomorrow night. I need to work ahead on these classes but that's almost impossible for me. If I didn't have these classes, I would be catching up on SO many shows online, and editing videos, and organizing. But I do get to spend my free time doing other awesome things with my housemates, like watching Friends (we are on season 6 ahhh!) or playing 'the headphone game' (you turn it up so loud so you can't hear yourself and then just sing your heart out. it's my new favorite) or sneaking into hot tubs :)

I went to a new church today since my old one is officially coming to an end (even though I wasn't going anymore really :/). I have been going on Wednesdays though since summer started and this wednesday is the last. I am really going to miss it, I love all those guys. It was a good place. The new church though is called Reality LA and it's pretty awesome. It's just so hard to get a feeling of a 'home church'. I feel like I will never have that feeling like I did with my old church in Visalia. It just reminds me that things change. I also saw people last time I was home and I feel like they are still the same as they were in high school. It was almost insulting to me. They just wanted to gossip and it's like they have no room for a change in perspective. They were even talking about some people I am friends with now that we went to high school with. All of that really makes me long for true friends too. Even though I get lonely sometimes, I just think about where I was at this point last year and how extremely lucky I am to have great friends now.

Well I should stop stalling and get to some homework. I will leave you with 2 beautiful pictures of my friend Kelly, from an awards show earlier tonight! I will meet her someday. She is my best friend. Shut up.

Hard to say no.

I get lonely sometimes and this current situation I am in is not helping.

But I've got people keeping me in line so I don't give in.

I can't give in. I have to believe better things will come.

I have a new found hate for...

prank phone calls.

Especially on a touchy subject like creepy neighbors.

It ruined a perfectly good night for me and if I find out who did it, you can bet your life our friendship is over. I know my close friends and family wouldn't do that to me so it's someone that knows me but not very well obviously. I have no respect for you. You have no idea how it felt to be on the other end of that phone call.

Anyways, moving right along...

I am digital camera shopping and having a blast. I just discovered some cameras that have HD video capabilities. For those of you who know me, I loooooove videotaping. This is a dream come true. I can't wait til I have the camera, but now the question is, who is going to make videos with me? hahahaha. I think I decided on the Canon SD780 though. 12.1 megapixels and HD video:

gosh, it's hard to be patient. but I'm working on it. and i'm not talking about the cameras.

Firsts

A few firsts lately.

First day of work at campus safety. I have access to so many things, it fascinates me. A guy in a suit took me around for a tour of Biola. Like I haven't gone there for 3 years. But he took me in disbatch and the field office and told me all these codes for places that made me wanna crack up, but I held it together. He also took me to every place possible in Metzger (the administration building) and introduced me to all these people I will be delivering to. I was also told I will be driving a golf cart sometimes. WHAT?! Are you kidding me? C'mon. That kills me. I can't take myself seriously on that. It's like those people in the mall that ride segways, right Madge? right.

First time getting called a slut by the other secretary at my other job. Ima kill her. I was stoked about a new blouse I had bought the previous day. It was a tank top, but it was still a nice, dressy shirt. It had ruffles and floral print ok? It was also hot and I had just gotten out of my car and had a freakin cardigan in my HAND, ready to put on when I sat down. But I walked in, and she looked at me and said 'is it really that hot out that you need to be wearing that?'. OKAY lady, not only are you hurting my feelings, but you are not my mother and it is not appropriate to say that in front of my male boss. Also, my hair was down too, which covers most of my shoulders.

First time playing some games with the housemates. That was a fun night. I'm sure there will be more.

First time cooking shake n' bake chicken for dinner tonight. I did pretty good.

First time doing 2.25 miles on the treadmill. I probably only ran 1.75 of that but it feels good. I for sure haven't done anything like that since softball hell weeks. Oh gosh I have cramps just thinking about those days. I was so fit back then...

Ok so I need to write the most recent and hopefully LAST of the Mike Diaries.

Mike had his head propped up on our fence, just watching us hang out one afternoon. When he was spotted doing this, 2 of the Ponies (housemates) decided enough was enough and to go talk to his parents. Mike answered the door himself and went outside, saying 'talking to his parents isn't going to solve anything'. Then he started listing all of the things wrong with him and which is why he doesn't understand 'social norms'. False Mike. False. You understand not to come in contact with us when parents are here, therefore that's enough to understand not to watch us constantly. We can't stop him watching us from inside the house, but we did tell him we were uncomfortable when he watched us like that. He then said (are you ready?) "I am not going to lie, I was pretty excited when I found out 6 attractive girls were moving in next door, and I know probably most of you have boyfriends and there is a 99.9% chance that no one will want to date me, but I just wanna put it out there if anyone is interested". He was immediately told that we all had boyfriends (false). He asked if he could just be neighborly and say hi and be invited in (NO. NO.) and they told him 'why don't you let us initiate that'. woo. so since then, there have only been 2 encounters, one telling us about trash day (probably just an excuse to talk to us cause he misses us), and another telling us we were too loud and the dog was wound up (it was 9pm and he had let the dog out himself hahahhaa). So if there are any more problems, I think we should just call the police so that we can at least file a report in case we need to call the police on him in the future.

After hearing this story, my boss told me he is going to buy me mace. hahahahahhahahhaa. I love it. Did I mention how lucky I am to have a great boss at both jobs? At campus safety, she is the sweetest lady, such a motherly figure. She is asking if everyone is ok and giving us crackers and juice. And she already calls me Deb and said I picked up the computer work faster than most people have.

That just makes me cringe at the thought of picking which job to quit in the fall. I am already MAJORLY stressing over which one. Both have super pros and cons. It's awful.

Anyways, my life is awesomeeeeeee.

Summer Shows:

Gilmore Girls (I love watching them starting from season one).
Friends (Ponies and I watch it everynight since some hadn't seen the show. We are already on season 3).
Glee. (I've heard good things. Very good things. I am aware this is a fall show).
One Tree Hill (never seen it but I bet I would love it).
So You Think You Can Dance (ahhh I love it and they are promoting Kelly like no other already).
The Hills (haven't seen it since season 2. They have played EIGHT of Kelly's new songs this season. EIGHT. Also, I know Lauren is officially gone, but Kristin is coming to take over and she has always entertained me haha.)
The Office (soooo behind!!!!!)
Greys Anatomy (I gotta watch from the beginning).
Gossip Girl (again, sooo behind! I have been keeping up with the books though. kinda.)

Crap I better get started! I'm also trying to get my hands on Twilight so I can read the books and then watch the movie.

My posts are too long. Just cut them up into sections and pretend I post everyday.

Goodbye Junior Year...

Wow my life moves exponentially…finished the hardest semester ever. I can’t even remember how many papers I wrote in the last 3 weeks…eleven? Twelve? I did homework six days out of the week usually for that last month of school. It was incredibly stressful, I remember fearing for my heart one day because it wouldn’t slow down. Right before finals, my sister broke down in downtown LA so had to go rescue her and pay a homeless man to fix her car. The next day we went to the Ellen show (the day after Kelly was there of course, gosh fkalewaowiajdhjakcbn) and didn’t get in the main audience but got guaranteed tickets for the fall (which is way better actually because Jamie Foxx was there and we had just seen him at Wango Tango). On the way home from Ellen we got hit on by a guy trying to sell us a car cleaner. He asked for my number and I said ‘sorry but you can give me yours!’ haha. He said ‘I know I look ugly righ t now but I get it, I get it’. Yeah, you are, sorry. You are also tryingto sell me something and then hitting on my afterwards. So then that night we get back and I am locked out of my room. We call my roomie to see where she is and she answers the phone in hysterics because she was just in a horrible car accident. I went down there right away, after getting in my room first of course, oh and my phone had died during all of this as well. Her huge suv was up on the median and totaled. The other driver was taken away in an ambulance. It was awful. The next night I had to move stuff into the house and pick furniture up in Long Beach. But before that my sister and I had to get into a huge screaming match of course. Basically, I wanted her to go home and she just kept hanging around. She doesn’t have a job and doesn’t like being at home…I get that. But don’t come bug me for days during my incredibly stressful time. So that was my weekend before finals.

But now I am done, and am praying for B’s in all my classes. Jess came and visited for the last week and I hardly got to see her due to my workload, but we did get to go to Disneyland.

Finally after all of that, I could start moving out of the dorms and into the house Saturday. It took for…ev…er. My mom didn’t get here til 3pm Saturday and I had to be out by 6pm. Ugh. Then my roommate and her ENTIRE stressful family (SIX of them were there) were in my dorm room trying to pack her up so of course that means I am automatically demoted to staying out of the way and not being able to do anything. By the time they leave, I have 2 hours left to pack most of it. Right when my mom arrived I realized my keys fell out of my pocket recently and now I can’t locate them. I retraced my steps and asked at the offices for an entire hour. Thus, if you are doing the math correctly, I have an hour left to get out of the dorm now. But keep in mind my keys are lost which means I am now locked out of my car, which is parked in the fire zone in front of the dorm. My mom tries to break in with a coat hanger, then we just load up her car for awhile, and finally we call AAA and they let me in right away. So I get my spare key which solves that problem I guess. But by this time, check out is closed and I start freaking out that I'm going to get fined. I finally get all my stuff out and just decide to deal with it in the morning, and everything worked out fine.

Moved everything into the Poner house and still haven't completely unpacked. It's awesome here, I love it. I love the people too. Except Mike. Screw him. I need to write another Mike Diaries soon, so don't let me forget.

Wednesday night we had our first official outing as housemates haha. We went LINE DANCING at a bar/club place in Fullerton called In Cahoots. We had no idea what to expect and that was the best part. We dressed up and practiced in the kitchen and then we were off. There were like 12 of us total. It was probably the most fun I've had in so long. Just the sight of our group out on the dance floor, doing everything wrong while everyone else knew all the steps to every stupid line dance hahaha. I can't wait til the next time. I love this summer so far.

I think I'm gonna like it here.

I hope my kids have someone to look up to like Kelly...

Kelly Clarkson doesn't care what you - or the gossip blogs, for that matter - think about her appearance. In fact, Clarkson doesn't even have time to worry about it, as she's too busy making music and touring to even get online.

"I'm rarely on the Internet. I blog every once in a while 'cause my fans will yell at me if I don't," she told MTV News. "I check my e-mail on my phone ... I'm never really on the Internet."

She admits that although she is more offended when people criticize her music, she has caught a glimpse of what people have said about her looks and she admits that it does hurt. "I mean, I'm a person, so obviously it hurts you at some point on some level - but I think I've been this girl since I was on 'Idol.' I'm the same person," she said. "I ain't gonna change. It's apples and oranges. Some people like it, some people don't."

She added that she prefers to read books instead of gossip blogs and says that after seven years in the industry, she isn't ready to change. "I mean, I've never been that girl and I've been in the industry for seven years, so obviously everybody doesn't do it," she said. "I just think it's blown up - I think it's become a world of its own. It's a different thing and the industry is changing."

THIS. is why she is the best singer/role model/celebrity there is.

she should be my best friend. I don't know what's taking her so long.

The Mike Diaries #1

Tonight...9:10pm...

Mike comes over to Poner and bothers me, Hezz, Cait, and Chris Yap...

He asks what we're doing, when we were at the house today and yesterday...He knows our names and what cars we drive. He remembers the times we were at the house and who was with us. He told us tonight that his windows are open until midnight and to just yell 'mike' if we need anything.

I. hate. Mike.

Mike is our neighbor who lives in the log cabin with the totem poles next door. He is mentally challenged somehow, but remembers EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED in the history of the world. He tried to say hi to me yesterday and I said a quick 'hi' and got right in my car as he was walking over to me. Then tonight, he brought up the fact that there was someone here that didn't really say hi to him and that they had a bunch of people with them and he wanted to know who they were. Ya, that was me with my sister and Bry and Laura. Awesome.

Also, he knows when we are moving in for sure. He goes 'now ya'll are gonna move in Wednesday right?'. Forget that.

Mike Rule 1: Don't ever let Mike in the house.
Mike Rule 2: No one is allowed to be alone at Poner at night.
Mike Rule 3: Don't tell him any crucial info.


This is the beginning of the Mike Diaries...

end times are near.

Stayed up til 6am Sunday to finish a unit of lesson plans. Now I get to redo it because it wasn't integrated and had no theme. Oh, I'm sorry, maybe professors should put that somewhere for me to read next time.

This would anger many, but I feel numb because I'm so overwhelmed. At this point I am just not turning in things that are not worth that many points and hoping for a decent grade.

It doesn't help that we are going to a taping of Ellen on Thursday and then my sister will be here afterwards, and then I have to take the CSET!!!!!!!!! tuekwhdnvhgeuaielaekdskaaks.

Oh, and THEN it's finals week. OH and my good friend Jess is visiting for a few days and we have a few plans already. Which I'm excited about, but also freaking out because I don't see how I have free time.

How am I supposed to even THINK about moving out/moving in?

Then my mom calls and says that I lied about what I was doing so I could avoid coming home for Mother's day. Because I thought Mother's day was this coming weekend, instead of last weekend, she thinks I'm a liar because I told her I had my CSET to take, and it turns out I was at a concert instead. newsflash: I WOULDN'T HAVE COME ANYWAY, even if I didn't go to the concert, there were still other things happening. Good to know I'm the lying type. And that it was clearly the 'worst mother's day ever' because of this. I thought I was just following her certificate of independence she sent me. She wanted to discuss my sister yesterday and I told her 'sorry I'm not allowed'.

and I swear, to top it off, I am now listening to my roommate LECTURE me on American Idol and all this crap which she knows nothing about. Rule: don't ever discuss Kelly's history on American Idol when you haven't seen it. Rule 2, you aren't allowed to make comments after hearing 2 seconds of a song and NOT THE WHOLE thing. Also, I'm not listening to you when you NEVER listen to me because your damn headphones are in your ears 95% of the time.

That's it. I'm sorry if I bite you in the next few days. Not that anyone reads this (besides Maddie, who I don't even have time to talk to anymore).

I swear I'm fine. Just get me to Thursday for now. Then I can worry about the CSET.

Ps, got the 2nd interview for campus safety. I interview with 'the chief' on Friday. I hope I am not cranky.

God's grace

This past Thursday I shared my testimony with 3 of my good friends, well actually 4 since one was on speakerphone listening in. I haven't shared my testimony since my mission to mexico trips in high school and even then it was very condensed and simple. I didn't have the guts to talk about real stuff. I shared with my friends a lot of stuff I never get to share, and there is still some I have never shared and possibly never will, but I am amazed by the journey God has led me on. Even as recent as last semester I was very sad and unsure about my life. Now I can only look forward as God has brought so many great things into my life this semester. Friends being number one, certainty being second, and independence being third. I am so blessed to have my friends, who have been there for me for a few years now, and am so blessed to be making new ones too, especially since I had felt so alone here at school sometimes. It's also amazing how you can be friends with so many yet hardly know anything about their past or personal life still.

This weekend was superb.
Friday night consisted of a friend's birthday surprise, lots of pictures, good food and fun games.

Saturday was WANGO TANGO concert day. I have never had so much fun. Everyone was dancing and singing the whole time and Kelly Clarkson was the best I had seen her in awhile (vocally that is). And some of my favorite celebrities were there like Shawn Johnson, and the casts from The Hills and Secret Life of the American Teenager. Seriously, this day was made for me. Minus the trashy girl fight that broke out next to us and ended with black eyes and cussing, and also the weed and beer everywhere, it was one of the best nights ever. I have never come so close to losing my voice, and if you have met me, you know I have a voice that would be hard to lose. I really enjoyed Kelly of course (she did SEVEN songs while everyone else did like five), Lady Gaga(she is super weird though and makes a big deal out of herself), All American Rejects were fun, and my biggest shock was Pitbull. I didn't understand why he was last until I was singing and dancing to every song! Apparently he has like dozens of hits that I never realized were his songs. So much fun.

Today was chill though. Woke up and went to Panera. I could eat their food every day, but they need mac and cheese on the menu. Then went to the dollar store to load up on house supplies. Got so many items that I never thought I would buy. I'm growing up now because I bought hydrogen peroxide, steak knives, bathroom cleaner, vanilla, a strainer, and hand soap. I love the dollar store. They also had mother's day cards which I promptly bought (I'm a horrible daughter).

House things are getting more and more in order. We got a washer/dryer through my boss (see why I'm hesitant to find a new job?), and I have a bed and desk in order. Now it's just hard to figure out how to have time for all the details while school comes to a close.

Now I have so much homework and am blogging and putting up pictures on facebook instead. 2 more weeks of this stress and workload.

I had an intense interview with campus safety to be the office girl and I kinda hope I don't get it now. It just sounds so intense. But knowing my luck, I probably will get it now.

Ps, Allison Iraheta went home on Idol, this is ridic. Who's next, Shawn from DWTS? Geeze.

I'll blog more this summer. Promise.

I have the most work I've ever had due this week and then finals. But I can't concentrate because I am so excited about life.

-I turned 21 on April 20th. It was good, went out to dinner with friends, no big party or anything. I'm officially an adult, my mother even sent me a laminated certificate stating that fact and some other things, but I'm not going to be debbie downer and talk about that right now.
-We also officially got the house on my birthday as well. Yesssss. We went shopping for some house stuff yesterday and I can't WAIT to decorate. We already have a trampoline for the backyard.
-I have an interview with campus safety to be the office manager, this Thursday. I hope it goes well so I can have 2 jobs this summer for a little extra income.
-My roommate left moldy macaroni out, even though I told her she should throw it away since that is my biggest allergy. Well she didn't, so I slept in the room with it unknowingly, and woke up to my current miserable state. I'm on day 2 now of cold like symptoms and am not happy with her. She also said last week she would do the trash finally, but a week later it was still there. 3 more weeks...that's all I'm saying. Love that girl, but can't handle her lifestyle anymore.

I can't even finish this post because all I'm thinking about is moving into the house. Popsicles for breakfast, tanning, trampoline, water balloon fights, cooking, decorating, watching So You Think You Can Dance, and The Bachelorette of course.

Back to homework...you wish you were me.

Never mind.

Housing problem solved today. Weird how that works out huh?

God is so good.

Looks like I'll be in a house with some of my new favorite people.

'woooooooooooooooooooo' can describe my feelings right about now.

Did I mention we are going to live there starting in the summer too?

HWADJKSADSAKIWEUAIOWEUIOA.

Dang it.

I'm super good at keeping up with this blogging thing huh? Yeah, thought so.

It's that time folks. Housing time. In a couple weeks, all of us Biola students will be freaking out about where we are going to live and more importantly, who we are going to live with next year. We will be standing in lines, getting weird ticket and lotto numbers, just trying to get a decent room. It keeps me awake at night, even though I kinda have a semi-plan. It's the 'what ifs' that get me. Oh well.

What's new with me, you may ask? Let's see...still on track to graduate Spring 2010, so I'm finishing up junior year. I can't believe it, but time flies I guess. I'm still working at the insurance agency, it's been great except Monday I got yelled at and literally wanted to kill myself. I hate getting yelled at. I'm just not the kind of person that can take it, so if you ever want to emotionally destroy me, then yell at me.

Okay, what else.

I am applying for a few summer jobs here at Biola. Even if I have to pay for housing, I will never go back to Visalia. End of discussion. There is no way in hell I will ever spend more than a week there again. Just this past weekend I got yelled at and had to 'do my part to help' around the house (which I would be fine with if I wasn't VISITING for two days and don't even live there anymore. my room is literally covered with layers of dust, I haven't lived in it since high school). Keep in mind I hadn't been home since January 3rd either, so you would think that my family would be excited to see me for the first time in 2 and a half months, rather then yell at me and tell me what chores need to be done. Whatever, my sister is living at home now, so I'm sure that's enough for my mom to handle since they get along better anyway. So I hope some door opens for me this summer. If I do find a place to stay (that doesn't bankrupt me) then I can easily keep my insurance job. My ultimate goal though is to get a part time Biola job with free summer housing on campus and then also keep my shifts at the insurance office, so I would be working full time with both jobs.

Let's end this post with the most important stuff: My girl Kelly Clarkson is dominating right now. Her new single broke the record (which she previously held back in 2002) by going 97-1 on the Billboard charts. Then her album debuted at number one and it is still number one as we speak. She is doing so great, so suck on that Carrie Underwood.

Peace out.

Blessings.

Life is so good lately, I keep pinching myself.

That last post was me being an idiot, and now it's kind of funny for me to read because I can see where I was at that point and how quickly things changed. However, in my defense, I really did not see how I was going to find anyone to live with for next year. People kept telling me that 'it would all work out' and that I would 'find someone'. I didn't listen because all I could see was that I wasn't making friends and everyone would have someone else to room with. I have a hard time putting my trust in God in times like those, because I'm stubborn. I should've known He had it all worked out.

Point is, I made friends and it's been like a dream come true. I'm like a kid in Disneyland all the time now and I feel like it's not real. That sounds stupid, but that's how badly I had been wanting to make friends for a long time. I was so sick of telling non-school people that I didn't really have that many friends. It's not like I had NONE, because I have a few great ones. Ones that I would never trade for anyone else. However, one of the best ones left school, and the other few were making a lot more friends...and I just wasn't...for almost a year and a half. And it was getting old to me. So it became crucial when one of my really good friends that was left here at school, decided to study abroad this semester. I knew this would be the time for me to make friends. I kind of had to now because the few friends I had went to even fewer.

So I did it. I made some friends and I feel like I'm on top of the world because it's something I had been wanting so badly. And apparently, I am not very used to getting what I want. Which is kind of true when I think about it. I actually have been refusing to believe it at times because things like this don't happen to me. I am so used to having my hopes up for everything and then things not working out that that has become my way of doing. God gave me this one and I am forever indebted. I will not mess it up.

I haven't been this happy in a long time.

School on the other hand, can suck it. It's getting super hard because I'm getting super close to being done. Dumb. This is probably why I'm blogging at 1:30 in the morning instead.

Goodnight.

Spring Semester.

Is probably going to suck.

probably.

Not as much as next year though.

and definitely not as much as after I graduate and have no place to live or go.

I just need good, close friends. stat.

and I also need to stay sane with my roommate.

2009

You know what I really needed recently? friends. not a lot, just a few. I only have a few so I just needed a few more so I wasn't so lonely. Some friends that would do things with me, and hang out with me, ya know. I have 2 really good friends at home, one in Oregon, a couple at Long Beach state, and a few at Biola. So pretty much all I had most the time was the few at Biola, whom I love dearly, don't get me wrong, they are some of theee best. But it was so hard as they were making lots and lots of friends and I was just....not. one of the Biola friends is studying abroad in Costa Rica this semester. amazing for her. she's great. but I was dreading this for awhile as I knew it would dramatically affect my social life and eating meals in the Caf (as lame as that sounds). I was really getting sick of this friend situation, especially when I go to church and everyone would say 'bring your friends!' and I'm like 'uh k, you know I don't know people and if I did they wouldn't come'. I don't know why I'm bad at making friends. I didn't have that many in high school. I did softball, golf, track, and orchestra. I was fairly well liked though I think, cause I knew everybody and I would talk to them and it was cool, but that doesn't mean we hung out. I had more church friends than school friends, but I had to wait until senior year for those church friends, because I had to break away from my clique I was in to really step into being friends with my youth group. Anyways, what I'm saying is I've never had A LOT of friends. I am perfectly nice to people, talk to them in class, and smile as we pass by. But that doesn't mean we go hang out afterwards. My only chance was when my friends would make friends and introduce them to me. But then I would come off as a weirdo because I was already with my friends and acting like myself and they probably saw it as rude. Who knows. It's pretty obvious I must not make a good first impression. Or I'm very scary or intimidating (or as one guy told me, ATTIMIDATING, HAHAHAHA). So that's why I am just ecstatic right now that as I have been here for my winter class (January 5th-22nd), working every day and then classwork, I was able to hang out with a few people. Last interterm, there was no one around. I would just go to school, go to work, come home, eat a tv dinner, do my homework, watch tv, and go to bed. every day. on the weekends I would sleep or watch more tv. I remember sleeping until 5pm one day just because I remember thinking 'why get up'. Anyways, I have really wanted to hang out with these new people and can't believe that God gave me that. I never thought I would be able to. I mean imagine, ME, actually being friends with someone she wants to. Anyways, it's been a blessing and I can't remember laughing as much as I have lately. Today I cried for almost 5 minutes straight when we were hanging out. I need that in my life. Badly. And there isn't a better time than right now. God is so good. I can only HOPE I get to keep hanging out once in awhile when the regular semester begins next week.