Days off work = productivity.

I am only working TWO AND A HALF DAYS a WEEK which is basically causing me to go insane because it's summer and most my friends are not here. So on my days off, I strive to be productive. Doesn't usually work, but yesterday was a success. I:

made breakfast, tried to get the router set up for internet so we don't have to steal it anymore (I failed, but trying is still being productive), walked to Biola to be somewhat physically active, got my dad a Biola hat for father's day, went to the ATM, stopped by campus safety to visit my old job, walked/jogged back home, went through all my mail and paid bills and rsvp'ed to things, made lunch, unloaded all the dishes, took all the recycling from the last year at the house and broke my flip flop in the process causing me to look like a homeless girl while sorting my cans and bottles because I had to drag that sandal with me whenever I tried to move, went home and showered, talked to my cousin, talked to Abby, hung out with Emily who was visiting for the night, tried to fix the internet again (failed), ordered pizza, and watched a movie before bed.

and now I am really enjoying the new Kelly vlog:

Hardest Thing I've Ever Done.

I knew this point would come.

I sit in my room with the door closed, listening to my new housemates laugh and talk out in the kitchen and I feel like I've hit rock bottom. When they were all making friends with each other, it was still too soon for me to make new friends while I was getting over all my best friends leaving. Now, I am the "older, quiet, housemate". Laughter is supposed to be an infectious sound, but it saddens me to hear that because it can never replace the laughter I used to have in this house.

Almost everyone I care about in the world has moved on to bigger and better things, and the majority of them, far away from here. I have no idea what is to look forward to. What will be my motivation? How am I supposed to look forward to student teaching when I am already sick of going to work everyday, coming home, eating, and going to my room.

A walk around Biola today only solidified the fact that this chapter in my life is now closed. I am not getting married, I don't have a significant other, the job market is awful, and my friends are far away from here.

I know God will bring new friends and plans into my life just like He has in the past, but this is almost unbearable. I will have to pray for motivation to continue on, but it's hard with no friends nearby to have heart to hearts with, to hang out with, to just fellowship with. It's not the same when they are miles and miles away, busy with their own thing, and only have the time to check in every once in awhile with a text or maybe a facebook message. It's not the same when they say "give me a call anytime, I'm here for you" because you don't want to be that person that has to call. You want someone that is already around.

If you are supposed to have 7 physical touches a day to be emotionally healthy, I am severely emotionally deprived and I don't know what to do about it.

Sometime Around Midnight.

The song, "Sometime Around Midnight" by The Airborne Toxic Event, has been out a few years now I think. EVERY time I catch it on the radio though, I leave it on that station and I get so attached to it. This song conveys the most passion I have ever heard (and yes, this is coming from Kelly Clarkson's number one fan, and she is the queen of conveying her emotions through songs). I think almost everyone can relate to it, even if you haven't been in a relationship really. We all have had someone, or been interested in someone, where the feeling wasn't mutual or even worse, they knew you liked them and rubbed it in.

I have never felt enough affection for a person in a relationship to even begin to imagine how much this song COULD mean, but it still strikes a chord with me, evoking feeling from me that I only feel with a few other songs.

Even in high school, liking that boy that knew that you liked him still even after things were over between the two of you, but he would hang out with that other girl right in front of you, and make eye contact with you every once in awhile, just to make sure you were watching and hurting.

I am sure there are numerous more examples, but the part that gets me is when he is practically screaming "and then you walk, under the streetlights, and you're too drunk to notice that everyone's staring at you." The emotion in his voice during that part is unreal, you can almost immediately feel the pain of the situation, whichever one you connect to for this song.

This is the verse that gets me the most:

"and she leaves with someone you don't know,
but she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts.
and she walks out the door
your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes.
and your friends say 'what is it, it looks like you've seen a ghost...'
and you walk under the streetlights.
you're too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at you.
you don't care what you look like
the world is spinning around you.
you just have to see her.
you just have to see her.
you just have to see her.
you just have to see her.
you know that you're breaking in two."

The musical arrangement of this song is also pretty awesome. Great instruments and melodies.

Anyways, that's it. I heard that song about 3 times this week and got reminded each time how much emotion lies within it. I think I am terrified of when I am in that situation, coming from a real relationship, and THEN listening to this song. It just makes me realize how much things change once the person you are into, has been with someone else. I was watching the episode of Friends last night, where Ross and Rachel break up after Ross sleeps with another woman on the first night of their infamous "break". I have seen it so many times that I can quote the whole break up scene. But still, I can relate to her everytime I hear her tell Ross "you're a totally different person to me now."

This is really a random post but I do really like that song and what it means for me.