Picture this: I am about to buy a Macbook Pro (comes with a free Ipod touch!!!!!) and am on the phone with my mother because I am unsure if I am making a wise decision with such a big purchase. But after reliving the moment of when my PC turned itself off and died for an hour earlier that day, I decided if I don't get a reliable computer now with leftover student aid money, I would not be getting one for a very long time since graduation isn't too promising.
However, before I purchase it, I say to my mother "As soon as I get this Mac though, something is going to go wrong with my car". My mom says "You don't know that, you're being ridiculous".
Am I? AM I?! Because I seem to remember things I say coming true a lot.
(I've been driving for a year now, and never been in an accident! ::gets in accident the next day::).
(just bought my car, had dark window tint on the front windows, I told everyone 'ya I have illegal tinting, I am gonna get a ticket probably'. ::gets ticket next week::).
(doesn't feel well after having strep twice in 2 months "I probably have strep again". ::goes to health center, strep test comes back positive even though I felt no symptoms in my throat::).
Anyways, as proved above, I know my luck. Last Wednesday my car started making a rattling, broken sound. After a few days of playing with it, I figured out it was only when the AC was on, thus my AC pump/compressor was on it's way out. My boss called his auto shop and they said about $700-$800 to fix it. Oh that's nice! Let me pull some money out of my butt.
I am going home Friday to get it fixed at my place back home (they know my car's history). However, I am very very very devastated at the thought of shipping my mac back when I haven't even opened it yet. I even had the ipod engraved. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I guess God could be telling me that I shouldn't have bought a computer but I really can't use this one much longer.
Most college students would have parents helping them out in a situation like that. My parents help with nothing. My dad just sent me $100 for the first time in 3 years, thinking he was being generous. My mom doesn't have it, and if she did she wouldn't give it to me considering I have to pay for my own meals when I go home. So I will probably end up turning to one of my student loans to get it fixed.
I'm just really sad. I also love that car and don't understand how the AC could go out like that. I hardly ever use it, I'm always colder than anyone else. It has 46,000 miles on it and is 5 years old. Also my bumper seems to be falling off since someone decided to hit me.
I feel a lot like my car lately. Trying to hold it together to make it through.
In good news though, I had my graduation pictures taken today. That felt weird. I also get to go home this weekend and see one of my best friends for the first time in months and celebrate her 21st birthday a little late.
Oh and I'm going to see Britney Spears tomorrow night :) Jordin Sparks is opening. I can't decide who I am more excited to see...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Emotions.
I have a hard time with emotions. Sometimes people say I'm stone cold. I never cry at the movies my friends do. When my sister was lying unconscious in a hospital bed, losing tons of blood, my mom was a wreck and asked me how I could be so calm. I remember just looking back at her, with no words. I never cried, I figured I would deal with stuff as it happened to me. When my mom told me my dad and her were splitting, I just rolled over and went to sleep. When my grandma died senior year of high school, I got up and went to school just like any other day, while my mom and sister grieved at home. They always ask me 'don't you have any emotions, deborah?'.
well I do, I guess I just never know how to use them. I don't know why this is, I guess I don't like showing vulnerability. I never talked my way through hard times in the past and I feel like this is the result. I also get in trouble at home for letting my emotions sit inside me and then blowing up.
anyways, I have a point to this post, I swear I am not just being emo (haha as this whole blog describes why I CAN'T deal with 'emo'tions).
I have been having so many doubts the past months as to why I am an education major. Biola actually made a mistake and put me down as a teaching major and I just never changed it. I didn't know what I wanted to do anyway and I figured this is the only thing I could do probably. So recently I have been dealing with the effects that I am just a teaching major because I didn't have anything else I could do. I listen to the other people in my major talking about how 'teaching is such a calling' and 'God called me to do this specifically', and I always think 'wow I am just doing this because I have no clue what else to do'. So that has been tough and sometimes I would be really into teaching, and other times I would literally be googling masters programs in different areas that I could look into after I graduated.
Anyways, the other night in my 'Methods of Teaching the Linguistically Diverse' class, my professor opened with a story about a teacher who hated a little boy in her second grade classroom. He smelled, he wasn't smart, and had no friends. She wanted to like this boy but couldn't bring herself to do it: she just didn't like him and made no effort to help him either. She would write 'poor work, better luck next time' on most his work. Anyways, she looked in his file and saw that his mother died of cancer recently and his father showed no interest in the boy. At Christmas time, the boy gave her a tacky bracelet and a half full bottle of perfume. All the kids laughed because the gift was so cheap, and clearly from home. The teacher thanked the boy, put the perfume on, as well as the bracelet. When class let out that day, the boy went up to the teacher's desk and said 'you smell just like my mom did now. and her bracelet looks great on you.' The teacher cried and cried because she realized this boy loved her, and she didn't like him all this time and made no effort on his behalf. From then on she spent days after school with him, helping him with his work. He went from failing to passing. She received a letter from him years later, saying he was graduating high school third in his class. Four years later she received a letter saying he was graduating college second in his class. And after that, another letter saying he is now officially a Doctor, and is getting married in the spring.' The teacher attended the wedding and has never been prouder of anyone.
As I read that story, tears streamed down my face. I realized I do have a soul, and I do care about children. I want to be that person for that boy. I realized God must have put me in this major for a reason, even if somedays I cringe at the thought of being in front of a classroom. I will always remember this story and hopefully will stop changing my mind so much.
well I do, I guess I just never know how to use them. I don't know why this is, I guess I don't like showing vulnerability. I never talked my way through hard times in the past and I feel like this is the result. I also get in trouble at home for letting my emotions sit inside me and then blowing up.
anyways, I have a point to this post, I swear I am not just being emo (haha as this whole blog describes why I CAN'T deal with 'emo'tions).
I have been having so many doubts the past months as to why I am an education major. Biola actually made a mistake and put me down as a teaching major and I just never changed it. I didn't know what I wanted to do anyway and I figured this is the only thing I could do probably. So recently I have been dealing with the effects that I am just a teaching major because I didn't have anything else I could do. I listen to the other people in my major talking about how 'teaching is such a calling' and 'God called me to do this specifically', and I always think 'wow I am just doing this because I have no clue what else to do'. So that has been tough and sometimes I would be really into teaching, and other times I would literally be googling masters programs in different areas that I could look into after I graduated.
Anyways, the other night in my 'Methods of Teaching the Linguistically Diverse' class, my professor opened with a story about a teacher who hated a little boy in her second grade classroom. He smelled, he wasn't smart, and had no friends. She wanted to like this boy but couldn't bring herself to do it: she just didn't like him and made no effort to help him either. She would write 'poor work, better luck next time' on most his work. Anyways, she looked in his file and saw that his mother died of cancer recently and his father showed no interest in the boy. At Christmas time, the boy gave her a tacky bracelet and a half full bottle of perfume. All the kids laughed because the gift was so cheap, and clearly from home. The teacher thanked the boy, put the perfume on, as well as the bracelet. When class let out that day, the boy went up to the teacher's desk and said 'you smell just like my mom did now. and her bracelet looks great on you.' The teacher cried and cried because she realized this boy loved her, and she didn't like him all this time and made no effort on his behalf. From then on she spent days after school with him, helping him with his work. He went from failing to passing. She received a letter from him years later, saying he was graduating high school third in his class. Four years later she received a letter saying he was graduating college second in his class. And after that, another letter saying he is now officially a Doctor, and is getting married in the spring.' The teacher attended the wedding and has never been prouder of anyone.
As I read that story, tears streamed down my face. I realized I do have a soul, and I do care about children. I want to be that person for that boy. I realized God must have put me in this major for a reason, even if somedays I cringe at the thought of being in front of a classroom. I will always remember this story and hopefully will stop changing my mind so much.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.
I really am going to try to start blogging regularly. I remember how it feels when I want people to blog and I keep checking and they never do...so I won't do that to you.
I left off with Kelly Clarkson in July. First of all, amazing. Closest seats I've had so far. Such a great night for me, she was so good vocally that night. More Kelly news is that Monday I am going with some of my closest friends to see her for free in Hollywood!!!!!!!! I am so stoked, I thought I was going to have to wait until December 1st (Fresno concert) to see her again, and everyone knows I hate waiting.
Then I spent 10 days in Portland visiting the Gremauxs, and it was awesome like always. Then right after Oregon was Disneyland and Catalina for my mom's birthday. I was exhausted. Also everything went wrong that weekend. Here are some examples:
Couldn't find our hotel. Went to dinner at Ihop but our cousin Crissy and her kids couldn't meet us in time so we had a big table for nothing. Woke up super early for disneyland (that means headache for me). Then my mom couldn't find our tickets and everything for Catalina so she is now convinced someone broke in our car and stole them. My sister and I are trying to convince her no one would break in just for those. She ended up finding them at the end of the day though but it caused a lot of fighting. My sister's debit card didn't work so I had to pay for her to get in (our pass had it blocked for the day we were there). My mom got a wheelchair since she had foot surgery but we kept hitting people with it accidently. Couldn't find anywhere to eat so ended up eating McDonalds at 11:30 at night. We drive all the way to Long Beach when my mom goes 'oh I forgot my purse back at McDonalds in Anaheim'. Drive all the way back to get it. It's 1:30am when we go to bed. Had to get up at 7:30 to catch the boat to Catalina. Felt sick on the way there. When we got there, the place we were supposed to eat lunch at wasn't open yet and we were supposed to catch a glass bottom boat ride very soon. Had to eat our lunch very fast and then get on another nauseating boat. Then took a tour of the island in a huge converted horse trailer or something, and it was super scary and close to the edge of the roads. Everyone was screaming like we were on a ride and I just kept screaming for my life, yelling THIS IS REAL LIFE, REAL LIFE!!! Then we finally go back and just wait for the boat since we were so tired. We get back to Long Beach and want chinese food but don't have internet so we had to go to the lobby and look it up. Found a place we liked but when we find it IT'S OUT OF BUSINESS. So we find this other hole in the wall chinese place. Then the next day we had to find a mattress for me and of course, more places we looked up ending up being out of business when we showed up. So there are some examples.
Anyways, started school though and it's hard. 18 units, 2 jobs, 35 hours in a first grade classroom, and keeping up with errands and chores. But I love all the people in my life and it's been great having out of state friends back at school. I also am excited about the art class I am in this semester. I am rethinking teaching lately and maybe going into some music business type thing but I am not being very practical. I just want a job that I will love.
Finally, I have had it with my toshiba laptop. I bought a Macbook Pro, with a free ipod touch. I am beyond excited. I had the Ipod engraved pretty awesome but I will show you when I get it. Also the Ipod touch will solve my problem of always needing to google directions and stores when I am out. I will never need gps! This is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok guess that's it.
I left off with Kelly Clarkson in July. First of all, amazing. Closest seats I've had so far. Such a great night for me, she was so good vocally that night. More Kelly news is that Monday I am going with some of my closest friends to see her for free in Hollywood!!!!!!!! I am so stoked, I thought I was going to have to wait until December 1st (Fresno concert) to see her again, and everyone knows I hate waiting.
Then I spent 10 days in Portland visiting the Gremauxs, and it was awesome like always. Then right after Oregon was Disneyland and Catalina for my mom's birthday. I was exhausted. Also everything went wrong that weekend. Here are some examples:
Couldn't find our hotel. Went to dinner at Ihop but our cousin Crissy and her kids couldn't meet us in time so we had a big table for nothing. Woke up super early for disneyland (that means headache for me). Then my mom couldn't find our tickets and everything for Catalina so she is now convinced someone broke in our car and stole them. My sister and I are trying to convince her no one would break in just for those. She ended up finding them at the end of the day though but it caused a lot of fighting. My sister's debit card didn't work so I had to pay for her to get in (our pass had it blocked for the day we were there). My mom got a wheelchair since she had foot surgery but we kept hitting people with it accidently. Couldn't find anywhere to eat so ended up eating McDonalds at 11:30 at night. We drive all the way to Long Beach when my mom goes 'oh I forgot my purse back at McDonalds in Anaheim'. Drive all the way back to get it. It's 1:30am when we go to bed. Had to get up at 7:30 to catch the boat to Catalina. Felt sick on the way there. When we got there, the place we were supposed to eat lunch at wasn't open yet and we were supposed to catch a glass bottom boat ride very soon. Had to eat our lunch very fast and then get on another nauseating boat. Then took a tour of the island in a huge converted horse trailer or something, and it was super scary and close to the edge of the roads. Everyone was screaming like we were on a ride and I just kept screaming for my life, yelling THIS IS REAL LIFE, REAL LIFE!!! Then we finally go back and just wait for the boat since we were so tired. We get back to Long Beach and want chinese food but don't have internet so we had to go to the lobby and look it up. Found a place we liked but when we find it IT'S OUT OF BUSINESS. So we find this other hole in the wall chinese place. Then the next day we had to find a mattress for me and of course, more places we looked up ending up being out of business when we showed up. So there are some examples.
Anyways, started school though and it's hard. 18 units, 2 jobs, 35 hours in a first grade classroom, and keeping up with errands and chores. But I love all the people in my life and it's been great having out of state friends back at school. I also am excited about the art class I am in this semester. I am rethinking teaching lately and maybe going into some music business type thing but I am not being very practical. I just want a job that I will love.
Finally, I have had it with my toshiba laptop. I bought a Macbook Pro, with a free ipod touch. I am beyond excited. I had the Ipod engraved pretty awesome but I will show you when I get it. Also the Ipod touch will solve my problem of always needing to google directions and stores when I am out. I will never need gps! This is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok guess that's it.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
ok ok ok ok ok ok OKAY
2 days til my 5th Kelly Clarkson concert. I don't care what you say, the reason why I keep going is because it gets BETTER every time!
also because I have never sat as close as 5th row, I have always been way up, far away.
ok so I am a little excited.
but I got majorly bummed today because her management team is going through hard economic times and no one has been running her fan club website, therefore, there were no meet and greets set up for this concert. and THEN they issue a statement saying they will get it fixed but that the Orange County show will not have meet and greets. JUST MY LUCK THE ONLY SHOW WITHOUT EM IS MINE. seriously, i hate my luck. I had a feeling since it is a smaller concert at the fair that I would have the best chance and winning one this time, but guess not. I will wait til the huge All I Ever Wanted tour in the fall.
also, I miss having a church. I also miss GCC and being in a youth/college group. I loved them but now I hardly know a lot of them because I am never home anymore. I will always have my unforgettable memories though I guess.
live and let dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahaha I wanna karaoke that.
oh yeah, we got karaoke at our house so that's prolly why I said that. it is the best entertainment.
also because I have never sat as close as 5th row, I have always been way up, far away.
ok so I am a little excited.
but I got majorly bummed today because her management team is going through hard economic times and no one has been running her fan club website, therefore, there were no meet and greets set up for this concert. and THEN they issue a statement saying they will get it fixed but that the Orange County show will not have meet and greets. JUST MY LUCK THE ONLY SHOW WITHOUT EM IS MINE. seriously, i hate my luck. I had a feeling since it is a smaller concert at the fair that I would have the best chance and winning one this time, but guess not. I will wait til the huge All I Ever Wanted tour in the fall.
also, I miss having a church. I also miss GCC and being in a youth/college group. I loved them but now I hardly know a lot of them because I am never home anymore. I will always have my unforgettable memories though I guess.
live and let dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahaha I wanna karaoke that.
oh yeah, we got karaoke at our house so that's prolly why I said that. it is the best entertainment.
Friday, July 17, 2009
1 week
until Kelly. That is all that is getting me through these days...
My mom and I are having our differences as usual and I am just feeling like everything I say to her she turns back on me. It sucks. I told her I was really lonely and felt that the people I thought were my close friends were not that close anymore and she just said that I make people feel sorry for myself by blowing things out of proportion. So that helped.
I also determined today, after a week of watching my diet, that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I can't even talk about it I am so upset. Cheese is literally, my favorite food. That is like taking away Kelly Clarkson from me too.
I have been thinking a lot in all the alone time I have had lately because of my lack of social life, and I can't believe how much I have changed. From high school, from last year...it blows my mind. I don't know if I am the person I want to be. I think I have given into a lot. I used to be one of the 4.0 kids in high school and now I do as little as I can to get by in a class. I used to play violin because it was something I was so good at and now what am I doing? I don't even play anymore when that was supposed to be my career. It was the only thing I was ever good at, I was mediocre at the rest. I guess it's never too late to get back into music but I have lost a good year and in violin, that is not good.
I also have been thinking about careers. I graduate in less than a year (unreal to me) and I don't really want to teach with a multiple subject credential. I don't see myself excelling teaching younger children multiple things in one classroom. I have always seen myself with the older kids, in high school, probably math. But I could never major in a single subject like that cause I don't excel enough in a single subject. So that leaves me with getting a masters in education and taking the CSET in a single subject matter or something. But with the economy, I don't see myself teaching at all anytime soon. They have fired so many teachers, but luckily would rather hire new ones right out of college because they can pay them less. So that's good, but still I am not so sure. Working in an office for 2 years now, I can really see myself working in administration at a school or something along those lines. Who knows, hopefully I can do that.
What I really want to do is edit and make youtube videos all day long, but let's be realistic here.
My mom and I are having our differences as usual and I am just feeling like everything I say to her she turns back on me. It sucks. I told her I was really lonely and felt that the people I thought were my close friends were not that close anymore and she just said that I make people feel sorry for myself by blowing things out of proportion. So that helped.
I also determined today, after a week of watching my diet, that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I can't even talk about it I am so upset. Cheese is literally, my favorite food. That is like taking away Kelly Clarkson from me too.
I have been thinking a lot in all the alone time I have had lately because of my lack of social life, and I can't believe how much I have changed. From high school, from last year...it blows my mind. I don't know if I am the person I want to be. I think I have given into a lot. I used to be one of the 4.0 kids in high school and now I do as little as I can to get by in a class. I used to play violin because it was something I was so good at and now what am I doing? I don't even play anymore when that was supposed to be my career. It was the only thing I was ever good at, I was mediocre at the rest. I guess it's never too late to get back into music but I have lost a good year and in violin, that is not good.
I also have been thinking about careers. I graduate in less than a year (unreal to me) and I don't really want to teach with a multiple subject credential. I don't see myself excelling teaching younger children multiple things in one classroom. I have always seen myself with the older kids, in high school, probably math. But I could never major in a single subject like that cause I don't excel enough in a single subject. So that leaves me with getting a masters in education and taking the CSET in a single subject matter or something. But with the economy, I don't see myself teaching at all anytime soon. They have fired so many teachers, but luckily would rather hire new ones right out of college because they can pay them less. So that's good, but still I am not so sure. Working in an office for 2 years now, I can really see myself working in administration at a school or something along those lines. Who knows, hopefully I can do that.
What I really want to do is edit and make youtube videos all day long, but let's be realistic here.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
12 days
til I see Kelly from 5th row. I cannot WAIT. I am getting a new camera mostly just for this! Scratch that Canon I thought I was getting, I hadn't done enough research. It only had 3x optical zoom and did NOT zoom in video mode. Not okay. So then I decided on Sony Cybershot which had 5x zoom and I think does zoom in video mode. So I bought it the other day but didn't open it and decided to do a bit more research before opening it. Good thing I did because I came across a camera that had ALL the features I was looking for FINALLY. I don't know how I missed this one. It is the Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ5. It has 9.1 megapixels which is more than enough (once you go over 8 they all kinda look the same, you don't really need all those pixels). It has 10 X OPTICAL ZOOM, and even extends to 16.9 optical zoom! It also has 4x digital zoom. This camera is actually one of the only TWO that will ZOOM in video mode. It also still has the HD video which is what my main requirement was for my new camera. I was hesitant about getting a Panasonic since I hadn't heard much about them in the whole camera area, but the reviews are better than some Canons and Nikons. I have done tons of research, watched youtube video tests of this camera, and viewed picture samples. I am pretty confident this is the one I am getting now. Now the only problem is that NO STORE CARRIES IT. So I am getting it on Ebay and have to look so hard to make sure it's a new one. I hope I get to order it today. It's about time I upgraded my 3 year old, 5 megapixel, piece of crap HP camera that has served me well and made tons of videos for me, but also provided me with tons of red eye, a TINY lcd screen, and no audio on video playback. Also the way it had to say 'charging flash' before EVERY picture at night drove me and everyone I know crazy because it took forever to take pictures. The only thing I will miss about my old camera is that it ran on rechargeable AA batteries, which was very convenient. Now I have to get used to the lithium ion battery thingy.
Anyways, Kelly here I come. My videos will be awesome and so will the pictures.
Anyways, I am doing a bit better on the friend issue I guess. I just need to realize it's okay to have a lot of fairly close friends but it's still hard when you have stuff you need to talk about and you feel like no one cares/you can't tell them anyway. I almost resorted to hanging out with a boy I should not be hanging out with because I was lonely and I kept thinking 'who's gonna know and who's gonna care? no one is keeping me in line about my choices.' But that would've been stupid and a way to get back at no one but myself.
Anyways plans are in the making to go see Maddie in Oregon in August and I am so excited. It will be my only vacation this summer and it will be so good to see her. I feel like she really cares but she is all the way in Oregon always. It's cool to see how God allowed her to come to Biola for a bit though and how He has preserved this friendship over other ones.
Anyways, Kelly here I come. My videos will be awesome and so will the pictures.
Anyways, I am doing a bit better on the friend issue I guess. I just need to realize it's okay to have a lot of fairly close friends but it's still hard when you have stuff you need to talk about and you feel like no one cares/you can't tell them anyway. I almost resorted to hanging out with a boy I should not be hanging out with because I was lonely and I kept thinking 'who's gonna know and who's gonna care? no one is keeping me in line about my choices.' But that would've been stupid and a way to get back at no one but myself.
Anyways plans are in the making to go see Maddie in Oregon in August and I am so excited. It will be my only vacation this summer and it will be so good to see her. I feel like she really cares but she is all the way in Oregon always. It's cool to see how God allowed her to come to Biola for a bit though and how He has preserved this friendship over other ones.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
4th of July
This weekend was 4th of July. We had a white trash party here at the house. It went okay. My sister and my friend Bry came down for the weekend and it was incredibly stressful. A lot of fighting and criticizing. We went to the beach where I got yelled at for driving 'dumb', we went shopping where I got yelled at for being too cheap and was told I'm going to end up just like my dad, we did a lot of sitting around where I was yelled at for not being a better entertainer, not having enough food and drinks, or a good environment (we are currently without AC and one of them had to sleep on floor).
Remind me not to have people visit again. I am a person that needs alone time once a day.
I just wish I had more uplifting family and friends I guess. It's been real hard lately to come to a realization that no matter how hard you try, you can't make people you thought were your close friends, be your best friends. You can't make them care about your life. I can't get close to God when I need to talk through my past with people, and I can't talk through things like that until I have someone who has been there and I feel comfortable venting to. Therefore I shouldn't let my past actions hinder what God wants to do in my life now, but it's hard to hear Him.
I will try to stop being so emo.
Remind me not to have people visit again. I am a person that needs alone time once a day.
I just wish I had more uplifting family and friends I guess. It's been real hard lately to come to a realization that no matter how hard you try, you can't make people you thought were your close friends, be your best friends. You can't make them care about your life. I can't get close to God when I need to talk through my past with people, and I can't talk through things like that until I have someone who has been there and I feel comfortable venting to. Therefore I shouldn't let my past actions hinder what God wants to do in my life now, but it's hard to hear Him.
I will try to stop being so emo.
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