ok ok ok ok ok ok OKAY

2 days til my 5th Kelly Clarkson concert. I don't care what you say, the reason why I keep going is because it gets BETTER every time!

also because I have never sat as close as 5th row, I have always been way up, far away.

ok so I am a little excited.

but I got majorly bummed today because her management team is going through hard economic times and no one has been running her fan club website, therefore, there were no meet and greets set up for this concert. and THEN they issue a statement saying they will get it fixed but that the Orange County show will not have meet and greets. JUST MY LUCK THE ONLY SHOW WITHOUT EM IS MINE. seriously, i hate my luck. I had a feeling since it is a smaller concert at the fair that I would have the best chance and winning one this time, but guess not. I will wait til the huge All I Ever Wanted tour in the fall.


also, I miss having a church. I also miss GCC and being in a youth/college group. I loved them but now I hardly know a lot of them because I am never home anymore. I will always have my unforgettable memories though I guess.

live and let dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahaha I wanna karaoke that.

oh yeah, we got karaoke at our house so that's prolly why I said that. it is the best entertainment.

1 week

until Kelly. That is all that is getting me through these days...

My mom and I are having our differences as usual and I am just feeling like everything I say to her she turns back on me. It sucks. I told her I was really lonely and felt that the people I thought were my close friends were not that close anymore and she just said that I make people feel sorry for myself by blowing things out of proportion. So that helped.

I also determined today, after a week of watching my diet, that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I can't even talk about it I am so upset. Cheese is literally, my favorite food. That is like taking away Kelly Clarkson from me too.

I have been thinking a lot in all the alone time I have had lately because of my lack of social life, and I can't believe how much I have changed. From high school, from last year...it blows my mind. I don't know if I am the person I want to be. I think I have given into a lot. I used to be one of the 4.0 kids in high school and now I do as little as I can to get by in a class. I used to play violin because it was something I was so good at and now what am I doing? I don't even play anymore when that was supposed to be my career. It was the only thing I was ever good at, I was mediocre at the rest. I guess it's never too late to get back into music but I have lost a good year and in violin, that is not good.

I also have been thinking about careers. I graduate in less than a year (unreal to me) and I don't really want to teach with a multiple subject credential. I don't see myself excelling teaching younger children multiple things in one classroom. I have always seen myself with the older kids, in high school, probably math. But I could never major in a single subject like that cause I don't excel enough in a single subject. So that leaves me with getting a masters in education and taking the CSET in a single subject matter or something. But with the economy, I don't see myself teaching at all anytime soon. They have fired so many teachers, but luckily would rather hire new ones right out of college because they can pay them less. So that's good, but still I am not so sure. Working in an office for 2 years now, I can really see myself working in administration at a school or something along those lines. Who knows, hopefully I can do that.

What I really want to do is edit and make youtube videos all day long, but let's be realistic here.

12 days

til I see Kelly from 5th row. I cannot WAIT. I am getting a new camera mostly just for this! Scratch that Canon I thought I was getting, I hadn't done enough research. It only had 3x optical zoom and did NOT zoom in video mode. Not okay. So then I decided on Sony Cybershot which had 5x zoom and I think does zoom in video mode. So I bought it the other day but didn't open it and decided to do a bit more research before opening it. Good thing I did because I came across a camera that had ALL the features I was looking for FINALLY. I don't know how I missed this one. It is the Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ5. It has 9.1 megapixels which is more than enough (once you go over 8 they all kinda look the same, you don't really need all those pixels). It has 10 X OPTICAL ZOOM, and even extends to 16.9 optical zoom! It also has 4x digital zoom. This camera is actually one of the only TWO that will ZOOM in video mode. It also still has the HD video which is what my main requirement was for my new camera. I was hesitant about getting a Panasonic since I hadn't heard much about them in the whole camera area, but the reviews are better than some Canons and Nikons. I have done tons of research, watched youtube video tests of this camera, and viewed picture samples. I am pretty confident this is the one I am getting now. Now the only problem is that NO STORE CARRIES IT. So I am getting it on Ebay and have to look so hard to make sure it's a new one. I hope I get to order it today. It's about time I upgraded my 3 year old, 5 megapixel, piece of crap HP camera that has served me well and made tons of videos for me, but also provided me with tons of red eye, a TINY lcd screen, and no audio on video playback. Also the way it had to say 'charging flash' before EVERY picture at night drove me and everyone I know crazy because it took forever to take pictures. The only thing I will miss about my old camera is that it ran on rechargeable AA batteries, which was very convenient. Now I have to get used to the lithium ion battery thingy.



Anyways, Kelly here I come. My videos will be awesome and so will the pictures.

Anyways, I am doing a bit better on the friend issue I guess. I just need to realize it's okay to have a lot of fairly close friends but it's still hard when you have stuff you need to talk about and you feel like no one cares/you can't tell them anyway. I almost resorted to hanging out with a boy I should not be hanging out with because I was lonely and I kept thinking 'who's gonna know and who's gonna care? no one is keeping me in line about my choices.' But that would've been stupid and a way to get back at no one but myself.

Anyways plans are in the making to go see Maddie in Oregon in August and I am so excited. It will be my only vacation this summer and it will be so good to see her. I feel like she really cares but she is all the way in Oregon always. It's cool to see how God allowed her to come to Biola for a bit though and how He has preserved this friendship over other ones.

4th of July

This weekend was 4th of July. We had a white trash party here at the house. It went okay. My sister and my friend Bry came down for the weekend and it was incredibly stressful. A lot of fighting and criticizing. We went to the beach where I got yelled at for driving 'dumb', we went shopping where I got yelled at for being too cheap and was told I'm going to end up just like my dad, we did a lot of sitting around where I was yelled at for not being a better entertainer, not having enough food and drinks, or a good environment (we are currently without AC and one of them had to sleep on floor).

Remind me not to have people visit again. I am a person that needs alone time once a day.

I just wish I had more uplifting family and friends I guess. It's been real hard lately to come to a realization that no matter how hard you try, you can't make people you thought were your close friends, be your best friends. You can't make them care about your life. I can't get close to God when I need to talk through my past with people, and I can't talk through things like that until I have someone who has been there and I feel comfortable venting to. Therefore I shouldn't let my past actions hinder what God wants to do in my life now, but it's hard to hear Him.

I will try to stop being so emo.