Sick of being sick.

I want to know what it’s like to feel 100% every single day. To wake up and not have to worry about every little thing I do or eat, to not have to live such a strict schedule because anything will trigger a headache that will turn into a migraine. I want eyes that don’t water constantly so people stop asking if I am crying. I would love to wear eye make up sometime. I want to be able to sleep on whichever side I want to at night, without catering to the side that’s stuffed up and I can’t breath through. I want to be able to fight off common colds without them turning into sinus infections, bronchitis, and pneumonia (within 1 year I have had colds turn into all 3 of those more than once). I am sick of relying on medications my whole life and spending hundreds on my doctor’s visits. I am very thankful to have insurance, but it still is money gone that I don’t get to enjoy on other things. I just feel so helpless all the time and I know when I get sick that I will end up at the doctor every single time. The one time I was stubbon and decided to try to fight it all on my own is when I got pneumonia. I am just physically incapable of overcoming this.

I just feel like I am at 60% all the time and I can’t even imagine how much more I could enjoy my wonderful life if I could live it without headaches and with an immune system. I mean…it’s like a foreign concept to me. I can’t even grasp it.

Summer can not come fast enough. I am terrified to have a second sinus surgery but I know that is the cause of every single one of my problems. I think I am a lot sicker than I feel. I think there is something greater going on. I’ve had these problems my whole life, but it’s time to get the surgery because I can’t live like this anymore. I am beyond frustrated that while on a 2 week antibiotic for a sinus infection and a week long headache, I caught another cold that now feels like sinus infection #2. How does that even happen? Back to back sinus infections? I think my body has just given up.

"You Poor Thing"

up late because my devotional tonight has to be written out and I will forget (I tend to forget things if I don't do them when I remember).

Let me describe the setting to you: 77 kids, age 5-7, all on a stage to practice their songs for their Christmas program. 4 teachers losing their minds and 2 aides also losing their minds. My class is front and center but they are the worst ones. I have my autistic kid spinning in circles, saying "weeeee". I have kids sitting down, kids swinging their legs, kids turned completely around, kids telling me they are hot/tired/thirsty/need to go potty, kids jumping and yelling, and everyone looks like they don't want to be there. My job (especially since my aide has been gone) is to stand by my autistic student with his motivator board to try to get him to do what everyone else is supposed to be doing (while monitoring the other 19 of my kids). He is sucking on his fingers 24/7, but at least that keeps him quiet. When he is not spinning, he is trying to climb me to be picked up for a hug (you can tell he is used to doing that with his mom because he is always hanging on me) and I am trying to remove him and explain that he needs to practice right now. He usually tells me he doesn't want to and asks if he can take a nap in the chairs. I say no and PRAY he doesn't have a meltdown in front of everyone. So far so good.

So that is a pretty good idea of what it looks like, when an elderly teacher, who has come in to help my class during rehearsal since we are aideless and OUT OF CONTROL, leans over to me and says (while looking mostly at my autistic student, who is pretty much my favorite) "you poor thing...having to do this every day."

Let's review. She has been teaching for at least 30 years. She looked at me with such pity, as if she had just had to tell me someone died. I was blown away. I put the biggest smile on my face and said "Yes, well, God won't give you anything you can't handle. That's what I tell myself everyday, especially days like today." She didn't respond for a few seconds and then finally said "good for you!"

As I processed this the rest of the day, I kept thinking "I don't HAVE to do this everyday...I GET to do this everyday. Don't PITY me. Yes I may seem stressed at the moment but that doesn't mean I don't love every second of what I am doing. It is a different kind of stress and a different kind of work. What greater feeling than to be doing what God has literally MADE you to do. He has given me every single thing I need to teach and He will continue to test me, build me, shape me, teach me things through all of these situations. There is not ONE day that goes by where I don't wake up thankful for this job and the opportunity that I was given directly from God. So DON'T PITY ME."

Lately in Kindergarten..

everyone thinks they need to tell me when they don’t want to do something.

“Time to practice our songs for the program!”

“I don’t wanna be in the Christmas program.”

well, too bad. your mom wants you to be in it.

“Line up for library!”

“I don’t wanna go to library. I hate library.”

I’m sorry. But Miss Bechtel gets a 30 minute break during library so I feel a little differently.

“You are acting like a preschooler. You are going back to preschool tomorrow.”

“I don’t wanna go to preschool!" (starts crying)

Well you should have thought about that before you stabbed your eraser with your pencil and hammered on the table for the 3rd time while I was talking.

I have also learned that threatening to take them out of the Christmas program doesn’t work.

“Do you want to be in the show?!”

No….

“Well….too bad…you have to be.” (then me and the other teachers laugh with our backs to them because it is freaking funny when they are so honest with us)

Even though I have had it up to HERE with my class this week (my aide has been out sick and we have had rainy day schedule which means I literally get NO BREAKS ALL DAY. I have them from 8:30-3:00 and they act like they are on crack just because it’s raining.) they still kill me. I have one kid who is a super tough boy but has been so motherly to a few other boys…one was sleepy during our program rehearsals so this kid puts his arm around him and lets him lean on his shoulder while he rubs his head, saying “shhh, shhhh, it’s okay…” HAHAHAHAHA. Then I was watching some other kids in line and a boy goes “hi!” and sticks out his hand to shake, and the other kid looks at him and then finally sticks his hand out too and they shake. Hahahaha.

Other conversations I have every single day:

“my arm/stomach/leg/head/finger/foot hurts” x1000000

“Oh I’m sorry…I am not a doctor.”

“I miss my mom. I wanna go home.”

“Well I love having you here with me and good thing the day is almost over, huh?” (I still say this even if it’s 8:45am).

“Is it Friday?”

“I don’t know…is it? Were you listening during calendar time this morning?” (This doesn’t help…they still never know).

"What time is it?"

"If I tell you, is it going to mean anything at all to you?"

My return.

I have had a few complaints that I am missed on this blog. So I am back. But I am way too lazy to move what you may have missed on my Tumblr over here, so if you want to catch up on my life and see a lot of funny/random/Kelly Clarkson related things, head on over there and just keep clicking "next" or "older posts" or whatever it is. I swear there are real life updates in there somewhere, if not tons of funny stories from teaching Kindergarten so far.

What's going on right now? Well, I am on day 7 of a headache so that's super fun (not). I feel like I could die at any second because this is not normal, but the doctor says it's just a sinus infection (doctor's never know with me though because I have such a long history that they don't bother to read up on before diagnosing me. I always want to sing the line from Kelly's song that goes "you don't know a thing about meeee"). I always have this weird feeling that I will be one of those people that die from a freak situation...like having a brain aneurysm. But hopefully not, ya know? Hahaha. If this headache is still around Monday, I will be revisiting the doctor. If I don't have a stroke before then, obviously. This morning the pain was so sharp I gagged from nausea. I couldn't finish my breakfast and I crawled back to my room. I swear I would think I was pregnant if that were at all possible.

I just had an extremely stressful week with report cards being due and therefore I have to test every single one of those Kindergartners. This sounds easy, but it was near impossible to keep all of them working on something for ONE SOLID MINUTE while I tested a kid. We literally did nothing educational all week haha. Try living this week with the previously mentioned headache. I mean, just a normal day in Kindergarten with the headache would be bad enough...but really? report card week?

Then my roommate told me today that she is moving out. So let's add that to all the stress and hope I don't get a weirdo replacement!

Still love my job. Just hating my health right now. I'll never be normal.

oh and PS. I saw Sara Bareilles last night and Kelly Clarkson better watch out. I might have 2 obsessions now.

Playing catch up.

bring all my tumblr posts over here:

09/04:

Out of all my responses to my ad for a roommate on craigslist, this was the funniest.

How will I notice? After we are already living together? no no no no no no no.

She also sent me a photo of herself. So good. But I am too nice to post that.

So glad I found someone who is everything I wanted: nice, normal, and NEVER HERE.

09/06:

These girls make my life. I’ve had the best memories with them. Great night. ALWAYS fun to be hanging back at Biola.

09/08:

Cheese breath.

I will be recording the hilarious things my precious kindergartener’s say to me. So if you don’t like it, I don’t care.

Today, each kid had a “me bag” where they got to tell the class about themselves. One hilarious little boy pulled out a warm STRING CHEESE and said in one super fast breath:

“and I brought cheese because I love cheese and one time I went to the doctor and he told me I couldn’t have cheese anymore because I have cheese breath so now I can’t have it anymore but I still love it.”

I literally started having a conversation with him about cheese until I remembered I was the teacher.

09/10:

Funny Texting Mistakes.

I have gone back and forth on posting this, but its too funny not to. I have a totally RATIONAL fear of sending texts to the wrong person-in fact, I usually always double check who it’s getting sent to…you have to be very careful these days or else you could end up in a situation like the one that happened to me.

The other night, after hanging out with some of my favorite friends, we joked about getting diarrhea from how much pizookie we were eating. The next day, I am at school setting up my classroom and texting my hilarious friend Lindsey. We are having a disgusting conversation and joking about what the pizookie did to our insides. Well, because of me being super busy that day, I responded to MY MOM instead of to Lindsey. So my mom got this lovely text:

“Literally pounds. I didn’t know my body could hold that much shit.”

FIRST OF ALL, the text itself is REALLY random and hardly makes sense out of context like that, but it’s pretty easy to decode. SECOND OF ALL, I started sweating at what she was going to say about my dirty mouth. BUT my mom’s response made everything even funnier:

“Yeah-your body can hold up to 5 pounds of fecal matter at a time.”

?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

disgusting. welcome to my life. my mom is one of a kind. leave it to her to totally shock me by informing me instead of lecturing me.

It made for a good laugh…especially for Lindsey once I told her.

Brain Training Fail.

Who remembers...

when I got hired with that tutoring/cognitive brain training company back in MARCH?! and I thought I would actually have a job from that? I hardly remember it so I don’t expect anyone else to.

Anyways, I hate them. I spent countless hours training and testing. Waste of time and money and then they had no students to assign to me and you don’t get reimbursed for your training until you train your first student.

THREE MONTHS after I trained with them, I get an email saying they have a student to give me starting middle of August. The thing that pisses me off the most about this is not the time I waited, but the fact that I know they have given multiple students to other people that I finished training with.

My response?

“Thanks for letting me know, however I will not be able to accept any students due to the fact that I have a job now.”

Sincerely,

a real teacher.

ok that last part I didn’t include.

BRAIN TRAIN THAT, suckaaaaas.

Harry Potter.

My hilarious friends thought it would be hilarious to have me come to the midnight premiere of the last Harry Potter movie.

I have never cared about Harry Potter…just seemed like too much work to catch up. I also wasn’t allowed to watch them when they first came out.

Well TODAY I watched the first movie and the last one before the midnight showing. That is all I had time for and I thought it was the wisest choice. I was extremely confused after the last one. Everything actually helped me though, because I understood 90% of the final movie. AND IT WAS AWESOME. I can’t wait to watch the rest now. I loved cheering and clapping as huge moments happened in the movie.

My friends got a kick out of my limited knowledge though:

“Deb, do you even have a favorite character?”

“Yes! ….dumby?”

“It’s Dobby, Deb…not Dumbledore and Dobby or Dumbo and Gumby.”

—————————————————————————————————

:Taking quiz to find out which Harry Potter character I am:

“okay Deb, you are either going to be Ron or Harry”

“Who’s Harry?!” (in my defense, I was used to everyone saying his full name, and there were so many character’s names being thrown around that I wasn’t expecting THE MAIN one).

SO YEAH. Harry Potter marathon party is in my future.

Playing Catch Up.

I have been posting on Tumblr but not here. Whoops. Time to play catch up. Please refer to the last 7 posts haha. Or just get a Tumblr and be ahead of the game. :)

Sick of being a girl.

WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS? The worst thought is, what if I am making all of this up? Am I crazy?

Unfortunately, I probably am.

Boys, this is YOUR fault. Stop having these one on one relationships with girls without making intentions clear. We're programmed to analyze and overanalyze. 

I Hate New Phones.

Those of you that know me, know how loyal I am to my ancient, solid orange EnV phone, or as my funny friend Lindsey prefers: the Orange iBrick. There are many reasons, but I just love my phone because it has never failed me. It is a solid piece of technology that you can’t get anymore. I also hate change and love being familiar with things I use a lot, so there’s that. Also, there is just something I love about having an orange phone. It just feels right.

BUT, recently I had to take advantage of my renewal, as I hadn’t renewed since 2007. Verizon is doing away with the optional internet data plans and is enforcing a $30 a month, LIMITED usage plan. This can be avoided by getting a different plan before they enforce that, which is what I had to do.

I am picky about phones. I like mine because of the buttons on the front and how they allow me to text super fast. I don’t even use the qwerty keyboard. I also hate touch screens, but I have got to get over that. I wanted a phone with wifi, good camera abilities, good video abilities, and if it HAD to have a touch screen, I had to have the qwerty keyboard. I decided on the Windows Kin 2, because it’s like the only phone that had these options without FORCING you to get the $30 internet plan. IT HAS AN 8 MEGAPIXEL CAMERA AND SHOOTS HD VIDEO. Also, all I had to pay to get this phone was the tax. Awesome.

I also took advantage of a promotion right now that Verizon was having. Instead of $10 a month for 25mb of internet use, they were offering 75mb, mobile email, and the Verizon GPS Navigator…for TEN DOLLARS A MONTH. I said to heck with all of it, and took advantage of that deal. Because if I hate the phone, I can always return to my faithful friend, the orange iBrick.

they fought.

Last day at home.

-Breakfast at Panera (my fav) where I got upset that my cashier didn’t swipe my MyPanera card to give me my points. I am serious about those points, lady.

-Orthodontist said I have a beautiful bite and treated me like a 4 year old. Standard.

-Dentist told me about her eye doctor in Beverly Hills who has signed pictures of celebrity patients on the wall and name dropped Kelly Clarkson. I started making a lot of noises to communicate, as her hands were in my mouth, and then proceeded to explain that Kelly was my favorite singer (I tried to play it cool). The dentist then asked if I was dating anyone, and I did not appreciate that.

-I went to the ear/nose/throat doctor for my sinuses and the nurse commented on my horrendous, sunburned thighs. SO glad people are noticing those.

-I packed up my things and Bry accompanied me on my drive back. I dropped her off at LAX and then sang along to The Civil Wars the rest of the way. Now I am in my bed, listening to the weirdest cat ever moan and cry outside my window. HATE CATS.

Ashley.

Ashley is one of my best friends. She is one of my OLDEST friends, as we met at church in 6th grade and were inseparable since then. Our friendship has actually gotten stronger over the years, even though I moved away after high school. I don’t know anyone who can laugh like we do. Today was awesome. We went swimming and then to Applebee’s happy hour (super classy, I know).

So I got stung by a wasp and the self timer LITERALLY caught my reaction seconds after. That is a real event there, folks.

aaaaaand…I am so glad we do not look like this anymore:

Good friends never disappear.

Ashley, Sam, and Deb.

2002.

2011.

When I told my old boss

about going to Belize for Thanksgiving, he made sure to point out that lots of tourists get lost or left down there. I told him that he always ruins everything for me because he knows I have the worst luck, and then he laughed for 10 seconds straight. This is the email conversation that took place that evening:

I have never met anyone with a dryer sense of humor. I miss bantering every day.

oh ps, for blog followers I don't know, I am going to Belize for Thanksgiving. I assume everyone is my facebook/twitter friend if you are reading this though.

It feels good to know I'm going to heaven.

I can’t imagine wrestling with not knowing, or not being sure. Today at the park, while babysitting, 2 old men approached me and asked if I knew where my son would go if he died today (what a surprise, it’s only the 12th time someone’s thought the kid is mine…I kind of hate that I am old enough for people to say that…I just feel like a kid still).

I responded with “well…he’s not my kid…but I know I would go to heaven.”

The man asked me “and how will that happen?”

I said “when God comes back for His people…those that live for Him.”

Finally, he asked “well where is God’s spirit right now?”

“here on earth with us”

(at this point, the man realized I had my ish together…).

He then explained that it is a privilege for 2 old men to witness, because the end times are starting (eh…I believe that…but I also believe it could take another thousand years and I also know no one here on earth can know or say that). He asked me if the boy’s parents were believers (pretty sure they aren’t, since they're pretty hippie status…), I said I wasn’t sure, and he gave me a couple of their pamphlets to leave the parents. He really convicted me right then and there. It is one of my daily prayers that I will be a living example of Christ’s love, so that others may see it, but I never really go out of my way to proclaim anything like these 2 men were doing. Do people really see Christ in me, or am I only comfortable around fellow believers? Sometimes I am even weary of saying I went to bible college…but I shouldn’t be…it’s just natural to feel that fear in different situations, because of the uncertainty of what may come of the situation.

Later, I watched the 2 men approach a dad (who looked intimidating…I AM in Long Beach after all…there are scary people everywhere…I meet someone interesting EVERY TIME I GO TO THE PARK). He didn’t seem to be a believer, but he kept telling the man “there are only 2 ways to go right? up or down! up or down, man, up or down, that’s what I know, and I hope I am going up!” He couldn’t be more accurate. Except I don’t have to hope. I know. And that’s what kills me…how can people go through life being unsure? What do they feel is the purpose of their life? How do they make decisions and seek guidance/direction in times of need? How do they sort through hardships? It must be so empty.

Is this real life?!

I am officially a contracted teacher until June 30, 2012. WHAT?!?!?!?! I signed all the legal stuff and got my benefits set up.

I went to my school today and met other teachers and staff, and everyone was so warm and excited. One even took me aside and said “I told him (the principal) ‘get her! you’d better hire her!’ and he did!”

Then I met MY AIDE. Yes. A full time aide in my classroom. THIS IS NO PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, that’s for sure. I am going to be spoiled, but at least I know how it really is in the public schools haha.

I have a week of teacher development in 2 weeks, and then I guess I can start setting up my classroom in August (again…WHAT?!?!?!?). I hope my mom can come down and help me with that because that would mean a lot, but that’s just wishful thinking probably.

I still just can’t believe it. I was looking at the staff pictures on the wall in the office, just in shock that I am REALLY going to be up there. I still feel like there is a glitch, like that I should just be an aide or part time or something, because that’s reality for so many right now and is what I was expecting…but this is real.

I AM A TEACHER!!!!!!

I am blown away.

I’m sure if you are reading this you know by now that I am going to be teaching Kindergarten in the fall. I am in shock still. I thought for sure when I found out that I would break down out of relief and pure joy…but I was just shocked and numb and couldn’t believe this was reality. Typical me, always made of stone (hate that). I never thought the impossible would happen. But God is bigger than I CAN COMPREHEND, and planned this 50 years ago when my grandparents started to attend that church and enrolled my mom in that school. Then my cousins went there as well…and now a 3rd generation is going to teach there when no other doors were opening. This confirms to me so many things…that God wants me to teach and He will make the impossible happen (out of 40 applicants!) to do so. This also shows how God’s blessings never end because my grandparents gave so much to that church and their family is STILL reaping the benefits, this time in their granddaughter getting a job. Not just ANY job, but a REAL teaching job, at a school that has so much meaning to us.

It’s hilarious too, how this is the only job I just sent out my information too…there were no postings, no use of a website…nothing. This principal also had more than enough applicants and at the last minute, he STILL had me come in and put me through to the next round. It’s also hilarious that I got 5 other job interview offers yesterday and was freaking out about telling them I was waiting to hear on this. I felt so dumb because realistically, I wasn’t going to get it…BUT I DID.

I have been applying for jobs since January…over 65 total. It was a full time job in itself and there were ALWAYS jobs to apply to…whether it was googling all the schools/places of employment around here and sending them my info, or responding to every post on edjoin, acsi, monster, Biola classifieds, OC/LA classifieds, and indeed.com. I always felt like I wasn’t doing ENOUGH to apply, but I was spending entire days applying. It was 5 months of torture, but I am sooo glad I didn’t give up now and apply to Target. There were so many times I got sick of it and just wanted to work SOMEWHERE. But God had this for me.

I keep thinking about all the girls I graduated with and how no one I know of landed a teaching job...why me? Why does my God love me SO MUCH? Why did I ever doubt ANY of this?

So now..it is time to freak the HECK OUT. Hello, welcome to parent teacher conferences with the teacher who is younger than all the parents. HIFAEJDAKLJDAWOJEOA

Remember…when you are tired/sick/discouraged/giving up…God has something you…whether it’s now or a long time down the road…He has a plan. I cannot believe this was known 50 years ago.

Thank you EVERYONE who prayed. I am truly blessed.

So close, I can almost TASTE it.

I just know something is going to happen soon. I can feel it. I’ve waited long enough, been through enough, and my time has come. God is about to do great things in my life and I am ready for that. I’ve got two big things going for me right now: 1). I am still in the running for a teaching position (Kindergarten!) at the private Christian school here in Long Beach. Things have gone shockingly well…3 days after I sent in my resume/cover letter to the school, the principal himself called me up and wanted me to come in. He then had me do an application by the next day (that took all day to complete). Then I was chosen to meet with the board (out of 40 applicants, 3 made it this far). I can’t remember the last time I was that nervous, OR the last time over 20 people were praying for me (the power of prayer proves itself again). It went well and I was told I was what they were looking for, being highly qualified coming from Biola with the Bible minor (so stoked that paid off) and with the public AND ACSI teaching credentials (again…thanks Biola…2 things I thought I wouldn’t need just played huge factors in this situation by the principal specifically mentioning them…which is another reason I feel God’s planning is involved). The principal then told me they would reach a decision at the end of next week, but he invited me to open house the next day. Well, the next morning I got a call from him saying last night had gone well and that he wanted me to go ahead and meet with the rest of the board on Tuesday. Definitely not a bad thing! I feel like that is where they made another cut, so maybe it’s me and another candidate. Anyways, I decided it would be a good idea for me to go to open house so I did…hoping I would run into the principal so he would SEE me at open house…AND HE DID. Perfect. SO everything has gone about as good as it possibly can, and I am just not used to that. I am really trying to not get excited/think about this, because of how slim of a chance I thought I had…I hate disappointment. But I feel like I am so close I can taste it. And I keep thinking how big of a God I serve if this works out and He provides me with a teaching position when I thought it was impossible…I will just die if this happens. I will know WITHOUT A DOUBT, that THIS is what I should be doing…because I will know that He wants me teaching if I got this job with how the schools are right now…it is literally unheard of. My mom also asked the principal at her work about all of this, and that principal said the open house thing is a big deal. I feel like I am bipolar these days though, but I keep thinking about how shocked/thankful/dumbfounded I will be if I get the job…and then I think about how bummed I will be, yet again, if I don’t.

BUT that is where choice number 2 comes in right now. Out of nowhere, after a HORRIBLE day of discouraging events, I got called for an interview at a Christian printing company back in the La Mirada area (where I am moving back to…perfect). It is for an Administrative Assistant position, 8.5 hours a day, benefits, good pay, and it sounded amazing because they have everyone do daily devotionals and there is Bible study every Friday morning. They also do a lot of ministry as a team, during work hours. So even though the job is back in an office, doing some boring things, it still is somewhere I would be honored to work. Some people hate working in an office…I never did…I am good at it, I like dressing up, I like the environment, and I am not gonna lie…I am lazy so I would rather sit at my desk all day than stand. (I also secretly hope that I am like Pam from The Office, and that I can work with Jim Halpert). I feel like if I end up here, this was definitely part of God’s plan because of the secretary experience I have now getting me this job.

I just have this peace that out of these 2 major choices, God is going to put me exactly where I need to be and I can finally be at peace with wherever I end up, instead of worrying about giving up and working at your local supermarket. I will know without doubt or question that I am where I am for a reason and will be used there.

Obviously, the worst thing that could happen would be to not get offered either of these, but they both went SO WELL and I have hit it off with BOTH employers that it’s hard to fathom that happening…but it could…and I do have bad luck…but my God is a big God. If I do get let down, I’ll just go back to my 24/7 job search…I’ve applied for over 60 jobs now I think, so I’ll just keep at it.

Friendships

After venting to my mom about everything going on (don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for so many opportunities right now and am amazed I’ve stayed positive for so long now…I know a lot of people that would have had breakdowns the 2nd week of what I like to call “real life”…aka living on your own, looking for a full time job, and dealing with the rest of life without giving up) I am entitled to have a little rant.

You know when you are REALLY sad about something and you literally feel that knot in your stomach like you are nauseatingly empty? And it physically hurts? I have felt that a number of times when things get to me, and right now what’s getting to me is friendships. Some friendships I thought would never fall apart, are falling apart. And it hurts. People stop making efforts and everything changes. If you don’t make time for friends, then you don’t get to have friendships. It takes two or more equal parties WORKING (yes, working) to make something happen. It’s like a plant…a plant will die if it stops being watered. And I guess this plant is pretty dead.

But it hurts.

Sometimes it’s just so hard to be at where I’m at in life, especially since I only leave the house three days a week on average. It’s not that healthy to be at home all day and not even talk to another person. It’s lonely. And it’s extremely discouraging and depressing to have applied to over 40 jobs and hear next to nothing. So to have friends losing interest in me is just a way to kick me while I’m down. But I’m not giving up because I know moving home will be more miserable.

The best way to wake up

is to a phone call from a principal.

My mom was born and raised here in Long Beach and attended Bethany School (it’s a school and a church). My grandparents went to church there, and my aunt and uncle attended the youth events. When I was younger, it was where we went to church when we visited and I remember loving it.

So my mom had been bugging me to apply there, saying God had put it on her heart, especially since I was living so close now. They weren’t listed anywhere online with job openings so I had to call and ask if they were hiring. They said to send in my resume for review as they were still unsure about fall positions. That was in February. Haha. I decided to wait until May so that my resume didn’t get lost on a desk as they usually don’t do any hiring in February. I sent it out on Thursday. THURSDAY.

This morning I woke up to a voice mail from the principal, saying he had received my letter and resume and would love for me to come in, meet with me and fill out an application.

Needless to say, it was hard for me to fall back asleep as I was so overcome with emotion (happy) from that. A PRINCIPAL CALLED AND IS INTERESTED. I am trying not to get too excited or nervous, but I can’t help but think “what if?”

I just know the day I land a job, after not working for over 9 months, will be a day for the history books.

Things I am loving lately.

my new navy blue purse my roommate got me for my belated bday gift. I usually hate blue, but for some reason LOVED it on this purse. Love the style and love that it will match everything.

my semi new tan purse that the super awesome Maddie (who has an awesome fashion blog that I love) got for me while in Portland. I wear it daily and it is perfect for running errands, because I don’t even have to mess with it or take it off while driving. MATCHES LITERALLY EVERYTHING.

blue maxi dresses. again, weird. usually not a big fan of blue, but loving the navy because of what it can be paired with. I do not have one of these in blue, but once I am employed, it is first on the list. there’s also something so fun about wearing long dresses in the spring/summer.

These shoes, both from Target, ALMOST were purchased by myself yesterday until I realized, I HAVE NO MONEY AND WAS BEING HORRIBLY TEMPTED. I can’t wait to blow an entire paycheck on fun shoes once I get a job haha.

Jennifer Aniston in an actual color, and looking great, as usual.

Kelly has been dressed well this era, surprisingly, and this Betsey Johnson dress was perfect for the Coca Cola gig.

as if people haven’t raved about this enough, I will continue to do so because great, honest talent deserves attention. My favs are definitely Rumor Has It, Someone Like You, Set Fire To The Rain, I Found A Boy, and of course, Rolling In The Deep.

I hate that I am writing this, but I love Taylor Momsen’s band. Gosh, I dislike her for so many reasons, but her voice and her songs are strangely good and catchy and I have to admit, their recent album “Light Me Up” is definitely one of the cds in my car at the moment. Unbelievable.

Haley Reinhart on Idol. She’d better win because she’s unique and the best contestant they’ve had in a LONG time, even if the judges continue to criticize her more than the others. Check out her best performances: Bennie and The Jets or House Of The Rising Sun. She will do great things post Idol.

This blog that my awesome friends are running. It’s doing really well and I am proud of them. It also always inspires me. Love it and them. So go check it out.

If you like to watch people fall down...

This is what my dog does when I leave home.

My heart aches haha. She is getting so old.

Meet my future roommates!

These are the lovely women I will be living with come August. I am so stoked God worked this out. I may not have a real job yet, but this was a huge stress factor in my life as I had to make a decision by May about where I was going to live. One of my greatest friends from school, Chelsea, will be moving in to take my roommates spot here in Long Beach for June and July. Then, we will all be getting a place in August (probably back near Biola area, but we'll see). We are all so excited because this is a place of semi permanence, at least until we all have real jobs. I hate moving in to temporary places, so to not have an ending date on this plan yet is very comforting. Anyways, here they are:

This is Chels. She is the best. I met her my sophomore year at Biola through our other 2 greatest friends, Jess and Abby, who live in Minnesota now. We have related to a lot of things together through our time at Biola and she was a great friend, listener, and confidant. She also didn't move after graduation and is one of the few friends I have left in the area that is not married, so we got to hang out a lot more because of that. She is super funny (one of my favorite twitter friends) and I am super stoked to share the summer with her before getting a place in August. I just know we will have a blast.

THIS is Blakeslee, one of my only friends from my major at Biola. We shared a mutual love for disliking everyone else in our major (elementary ed...so just a lot of uptight girls that will drive you nuts...we were more laid back/apathetic haha). We also started realizing that we were in every. single. class together SOMEHOW, and were always next to each other on the roll sheet. So we started working together on group projects whenever possible, taking our state tests together, and our friendship began. We started hanging out outside of school and she is one of the most loving, genuine people I know. We got through our degrees together, got through student teaching together, and have met for coffee NUMEROUS times since finishing our credentials. God blessed me with this friendship because we are both in the same position....trying to get by without real jobs. When you have someone to go through it with, it's 100x better. She will be a joy to live with and she will also be my roommate when we get a place!

This is Lindsey! I definitely had to get this photo from her facebook, so I hope she doesn't think I'm weird now! I do not know her that well yet, but she is SUPER sweet and fun. She lives with Chelsea now and will be Chelsea's roommate. I have had a few very pleasant conversations with her at their house AND she is a fellow teacher, who will be student teaching in the fall. There will be 3 of us education majors living together and I think that's great. I am sooo excited to get to know this girl and have a feeling we will all be great friends :)

This seriously came together all of the sudden, both Blakeslee and I were flipping out about housing, with about 2 weeks left to make a decision. We met for coffee and it all fell into place. THEN, Chels and Linds ran into Blakeslee the NEXT DAY (those 3 didn't really know each other) and hit it off and talked for so long! Is that not God's confirmation or what?

I am just super stoked for what's to come, especially since I don't have to move this month. The last thing I wanted to do was move without knowing where I would be working. I want to make a wise decision for my commute, but first I need the job. It's so great to know I can be comforted in this, even if I still don't have a job.

Rusty violin skills.

For those of you who wanted to hear how the wedding I did went, this is a horrible quality sampler of the songs. You can only see my legs and shoes the whole time haha...but you can hear us!

The one. The only.

How it goes down at home.

See that post below?

Forget about it and everything it says because my uncle called and took back the job offer this morning. Said he had had a panic attack last night and knew this wasn't meant to be again.

My life is just something to mess with apparently. I just keep looking like an idiot and I was already depressed.

This isn't an april fool's joke either. I hate april fool's day and unfortunately I am living what just happened.

God just rocking my world.

This week at home has been for my mental health and to just be refreshed from my stupid routine of being worthless and trying to figure out my life. I also needed to look for jobs and start contacting people I met at the Biola career fair and all that fun stuff. Today is the first time all week I have been ready to conquer my to do list. As I sit down to follow up/research/look for jobs, my uncle calls. First he makes small talk, and I didn’t think anything of it, I know he was curious as to what I have been up to and all that (NOTHING UNCLE, BECAUSE I STILL DON’T HAVE A JOB). Anyways, I tell him what’s up and he says “well, we’ve been talking and praying and we still have no viable candidates for the position and definitely none that came close to you. I realized I have been going about it the wrong way…I can’t just have someone try it out and then go into the full time position…I need to have them start off as part time, get their feet wet a little, learn things along the way, and gradually take over the role…I was trying to throw you in there and no one would have passed that test and pleased everyone right off the bat like that. We are doing well financially as a church and are able to accommodate your circumstances and this position as a part time thing. So it’s totally up to you, but we would love to bring you on part time, full medical benefits, and work around your schedule, whatever else you have going on, whatever you need to do, just let us know, but we would love to give it another shot.”

My response was something like: “uh…wow…uh….”

him: “I know, it’s a lot to take in and I don’t want an answer right now, but pray about it and let me know whenever. There is no time frame and I believe this is the right way to do it this time, but only if you feel God wants you to as well.”

then I hung up and my mom and I sat there silently, in shock. (she could hear the conversation as she was sitting right next to me and my phone is loud). I think her first words were “part time with benefits? that’s non existent!” she had also been reading a book (I need to get the name of it from her) and had put it down when she realized what was happening in the phone conversation. But she reopened it and started reading where she left off…the paragraph she had left off on went something like this:

“when you receive criticism or bad news, you don’t completely trust in God’s assurance, instead you let it devastate you. you beat yourself up over it and you let it rule your life. you wonder what you could’ve done better and you let the failure surround you. this is not a result of your competence, but instead of your dry prayer life.”

bingo. I have never been good at daily devotions (I do pray for friends, family, decisions, etc) and that is something my uncle wanted me to have in my routine before he hired me. I started doing it while trying to get hired there, but that was to get the job, not because it was part of my routine. I stopped doing them after it fell through because I was letting the devastation rule my life, my thoughts, my actions.

my aunt had taken me out to breakfast the day after I did not get the job with them, and said that there was no one else to fill the position and it may end up that they ask me to reconsider in a few months. I was a little offended that they thought I would just be waiting around for them to ask me back. I told her that it was pretty much a closed door for me after that decision and that I was going to move on with my life. during that tough time afterwards, I talked a lot with my mom and neither one of us could come up with reasons as to why I would work towards that position for 2 months to have it end like it did. we could not figure out what I was to learn from that or why I had to endure that. I stuck with my decision that this would be a closed door…but that was for the full time position. It never even crossed my mind that part time would be an option and that I would gradually be able to work into this.

let’s look at the signs:

-Sunday-Pastor spoke on meditating on scripture and being rooted in the word, as people will be tempted to walk away from Christ if they are not doing this. This is something I have always struggled with doing and it definitely hit me that day. I made every intention to better myself in this area.
-I have a life crisis like 2 hours later.
-I go home for the week to try and “figure out my life.”
-my uncle calls right when I sit down and start looking online for new jobs.
-he admits they went about it the wrong way and offers it to me part time, with the ability to work around my schedule and any other circumstances.
-my mom is reading a paragraph DURING THE PHONE CALL that directly applied to what I went through.
-driving home tonight I hear this song, just crying and driving, the usual:

“I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me.”

I don’t deserve anything from God for hardly making an effort, but He STILL blesses me. Such a hard concept for me to get.

dang. talk about God rocking your world in a few hours.

Gimme that taco.

Facebook knows my love language. I DO need to eat that before I die.