Inquiring minds want to know...

For those of you who might be wondering, “what the heck is Deb doing with her life these days? Doesn’t she have a job yet? I thought she had a job, why is she doing nothing? How many cake balls has she made in the past week? (like 150) How long can she stay in her pajamas? (2 days).”

Hopefully this post can answer all those questions and more.

LONG story short, basically I am in the process of taking a position at a church in Torrance as the children’s ministries director. It is a long process. I have been thinking/praying about this opportunity for months now, and my main concern was going into this position for the wrong reasons. I wanted to feel God’s calling and I wanted to have a passion for it. I also wanted to make sure I was NOT taking this job just because ‘it was something to do until I can find a teaching job in a few years.’ The position had been open since August and I kept telling myself that if the position were still open when I was available that I would then consider it. Well, it was still open, so I had no more excuses to make, and hadn’t heard from God any reasons NOT to pursue this. I also was enlightened after realizing that maybe God wants me to use my gifts for His church. So I met with them and started the process. Interviewed, met the staff, met the people of the church, observed children’s programming, and taught my first Sunday School lesson. Everything was going as good as it could have and I was beyond excited. God had confirmed that this was a position I cold thrive in, it was something I was passionate about (kids and Jesus…duh), and it was His way of providing for me in these dire times. It combined the best of both worlds for me: the teaching and the administrative (after working at an insurance office for years, I wanted to put some of those skills to use as well). I was also struggling a lot with the routine aspect of the classroom teacher, and being confined to a classroom. I am a person that needs variety and was really not looking forward to starting a career in a classroom when I had just spent the past 17 years in a classroom. So this was an answer to so many issues of doubt and uncertainty to me. They also wanted to hire someone with teaching training, as past approaches of hiring various people in the past had failed, and they wanted someone who knew how to get the content across, that was trained biblically and theologically and well (thanks for that minor in biblical studies Biola!).

So, as great as it was going, I got the critique on my first lesson back last week and it was…not the best. I had taught 26 kids (biggest group they had ever had of course), ages 6-12 (and one 15 year old who just refuses to leave). Besides that, there were about 7 adults up there, either helping me or critiquing me. I would’ve flipped if I hadn’t been so used to supervision from student teaching. But I had never taught in front of 7 adults before. Anyways, I thought it went great for my first time, for not knowing the kids yet, and for only observing ONE lesson prior. Most of the adults said I was great…however, one review had a LIST of things for me to work on. Things that contradicted the feedback I had received from the others. Comments were made that not only confused me, but frustrated me (i.e. “she engaged the kids!” and “she could’ve done better engaging the kids.” and “she seemed nervous.” and “she seemed so at ease!”). I talked out all of these issues with the pastor so that we were on the same page, and we decided I would do a redo lesson in a few weeks. He left me with the words ‘don’t be discouraged.’ but I totally was. My balloon full of air on this journey had deflated and I was left wondering how I could’ve been so confident and how will I be able to improve? I know that God is humbling me and that I need to be spending more time with Him, especially on all of these issues now. And, I do have a peace about if it doesn’t work out, that this was not what He has for me right now (even though I will be very confused if that is the case). I simply have to gather all my resources and try again.

So this is why I have been useless this past week. I have nothing to do really. Which I am not complaining about. I am catching up on things I have wanted to do for years, and I am meditating and spending time with God. What more could I ask for? I just hope and pray that this is STILL what He has for me, and that I have not been wasting so much time when I need a job so badly. I am confident that this is all a part of His plan for me right now, and all prayers are greatly appreciated.

Disneyland

I have rediscovered my love for Disneyland lately after going twice this past weekend. I just love being able to go whenever…one reason why I have no desire to leave Southern California. I saw World of Color on Sunday and it was magical. Whether it’s crying tears of pure terror in front of strangers on the ferris wheel or posing for photos on rides (even though you have hundreds of them), like McDonald’s says…’I’m Lovin’ It’.

I need a GPS for life.

The only thing I had on my plate has a 5% chance of surviving.

Long story short, I could have had 2 different sub jobs going for me, but I am waiting on my credential to be processed before I apply with the sub paperwork. Problem is, subs have to apply before January 12 to make it for the February orientation (the sub job was middle of February). My credential won’t be processed by then, so unless I pay some fees and get hired as a non-credentialed employee, I can’t sub. That seems dumb to me though when my credential is literally in limbo and I also don’t have the money to spare as I have been jobless for 5 months.

Feeling frustrated, angry, useless, lost, sad…Been praying non-stop for weeks for God’s direction and will for my life right now and can’t hear it.

Don’t want to move home, don’t want to change states, but I am struggling here. Don’t like my options and feel like my hard work and schooling were such a WASTE when my options are the same as a teenager’s, and I am going to end up BABYSITTING.

I know a lot of people go through this after graduation, but one of the reasons I majored in education was because I wanted to do it and because YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING A JOB. There are no ‘what ifs’, you either teach or you don’t. And I don’t get to right now. I just feel like going in a different direction will lead to me never looking back at this profession.

I hate you California. For the first time in my life, I hate you.

Ready to share:

Alright. Here is where I am at. My options are:

1). Sub and do odd jobs (tutor, nanny, teacher’s aide, Target, Starbucks).

2). Take the children’s ministries director position at my Uncle’s church. (It’s mine if I want it).

3). Move to Texas/Nevada for 2 years until the economy turns around.

Now number 1 sounds awesome except I would kind of be slacking off and I don’t want my resume to reflect the fact that I got a credential and then did odd jobs for a few years.

Number 2 is what everyone is telling me to do. I can stay where I am, do it for 2 or 3 years, and then teach. I would still be teaching children, but not in the classroom. It’s just not that easy. You don’t go into a MINISTRY position just because ‘it’s a job’. No. You have to be called and I am waiting for that. My mom keeps saying that this could be God’s way of providing for me until teaching turns around.

Number 3 has been on my heart more than I thought it would. I JUST moved and HATED IT (!!!!) so moving again sounds awful right NOW, but I do like the sound of starting a teaching career in the fall with a huge salary. What scares me is that I will build a life out there, maybe meet a guy, and then have to end up living in Texas…and I love California. It still seems exciting to me though. I don’t want to leave my life here though. I also don’t know anyone close enough for support and to do it all alone would be CRAZY.

It’s crazy to process all this and I am a mess trying to decide. Praying for God’s will and answers and peace all the time but still have no idea. I know it will come.

Update.

I have taken a liking to Tumblr, ever since blogging about my student teaching experiences. Unfortunately, I am going to blog more over there now so feel free to join me. I am going to do my best to copy/paste my updates here still.

debbieddowner.tumblr.com

God will find a way

...to speak to you. I recently went to youth convention in San Diego, with my current church. They really needed leaders and the only thing I was going to miss was Black Friday shopping, which let's be honest, student teaching doesn't provide any income so that would have been a waste of time.

I knew that I needed to hear God's voice that weekend, because I hadn't been on a retreat like that since like... HIGH SCHOOL. Wow. Phil Wickham was leading worship the entire weekend and I am a huge fan, so I knew this would be amazing. I didn't know how amazing though. I was so sick of going through life, not feeling like I was on fire for God. I went from church to church, missing my church back in Visalia, but knowing that it wasn't the same because what I was missing was being in a youth group, and I am an adult now (whether I choose to believe that or not). This weekend reminded me of how great Jesus' love is for us. I love feeling His presence in the room, and having speakers that are so grounded in the word that they can pick out verses that are so personally applicable to your life that you feel like he is directing the message at you.

Even though it was awesome, I now face the aftermath. The message focused on 'Being the Change' and affecting those in your everyday life so that you are making a difference for Jesus, not matter how small of a difference you are capable of. The decisions you make can affect others so dynamically, we can't even comprehend the affect we can have on people.

I always hate how everyone goes on church retreat, comes back on fire, and a month later life is the same. IT NEVER FAILS. However, this CHANGE is within our power. We have to fix our mentality as human beings to overpower the urge to return to our wordly, 'normal' lifestyle. Do we not realize that this is where we experience all of our pain and suffering? When we are not living for God? I realize it even when I am caught up in the world, yet it is still so hard to get in the right mindset.

Lately, I have been thinking about all my mistakes and how much my testimony has changed since senior year of high school. I am the kind of person that holds emotions inside, and most the time I can't even FEEL anything. It hurts more to lack emotions than to deal with them, in case you were wondering. So now, 3 years later, I am dealing with the effects of my decisions and how much I regret them. But this weekend showed me to focus on what I can do in the future, not what I have already done. I know the enemy wants me to focus on those things so that I feel weak and worthless, but I know He has enabled me for greater things.

That was what God did for me and I am going to do my best not to fall back into my normal, boring life. I was in charge of 3 amazing 6th grade girls that weekend who really blessed me. One would worship with her arms raised and would encourage the other two to join her. Their innocence is refreshing, as they are right before that age where temptation starts to control your life. The Wednesday after convention, one of them got up to share what God had done in her life that weekend, and I was just crying like a proud mom hahaha. It's great to feel this way again and it's even greater to see that others are feeling the same way.

I have a life outside student teaching, I promise.

I need to try to keep this blog updated. I can't neglect it just because I have a separate blog about student teaching now!


Today I had to finish my online traffic school. I have my huge TPA 4 due Wednesday, and of course I waited for the last minute to do the traffic school as well. I make awesome choices. But in my defense, I am battling pneumonia, my grandpa's funeral was Friday, and extended family has been here since Thursday, so it was a little hard to say 'hey guys, I have a TPA to work on".


Anyways, I thought I would share some of the fun I had in traffic school!