I am usually a happy girl

But it’s been really hard lately. I have been dreading writing this post. I didn’t get the job that I thought was pretty much set in stone. It hit me out of nowhere. All the people that supervised my teaching said great things about my performance…except one guy. And that was it. It was over. My uncle felt that God wanted a unanimous decision to hire me and he did not have one.

Of course I know that God has something better for me and that this all happened for a reason. But I still can’t wrap my head around why I spent 2 months preparing for a job that I thought I had. I wasted so much time, all while my finances continued to drain. What did God have me learn through that? That I should try my best, get excited about something, and then get blind sided? Talking through it with family just killed me even more. It took me all day to tell my mom because I knew I would only be able to utter one sentence before I broke down. It hurts so badly when you disappoint yourself, but when you disappoint others too because everyone thinks you could’ve done something better.

And now this whole other aspect has been developing this week. The fact that I literally felt that this is what God had for me. How could I have felt so sure? It made me doubt not only my abilities, but my relationship with God. Do I even hear Him? I thought I had spent time with Him and all the signs pointed to this job. It’s like I don’t even know anymore.

And on top of all of this, I have become so lonely here. My roommate is gone all day at school and work and I just sit around job hunting. All my friends are scattered. La Mirada, Visalia, Minnesota, Oregon, Paramount, and beyond. And I have to pay money to see them (either driving or flying) and it’s starting to stress me out.

I called my mom again today and she went into this rant about how I don’t dress appropriately and how that might’ve been a factor in me not getting the job. Really? I haven’t lived with you for 5 years and you are going to tell me I dress like a slut? I worked in an office for THREE YEARS, and then student taught. I know how to adhere to a professional expectation. And why would you even give me another thing to doubt myself on?

AND THEN FREAKING FACEBOOK APPARENTLY DECIDES TO SHUT DOWN MESSAGING SO I CAN’T EVEN MESSAGE MY FRIENDS. We’ve had this thread going since graduation and I refuse to start a new one because all of our thoughts, struggles, emotions, and laughs have been in that thread. SO THANKS FOR THAT FACEBOOK.

The best news is that I get to return to my friends at my old church, which is one of the initial reasons I did not want to pursue this job. I was upset about leaving so was very happy to return, despite the reasons why.

I think I am just scared of getting stuck working somewhere like Wal Mart for years. And I am scared that I just don’t have what it takes after this whole experience.

Ok, this is the only emo post I will be writing about this. Prayers always appreciated.