1 week

until Kelly. That is all that is getting me through these days...

My mom and I are having our differences as usual and I am just feeling like everything I say to her she turns back on me. It sucks. I told her I was really lonely and felt that the people I thought were my close friends were not that close anymore and she just said that I make people feel sorry for myself by blowing things out of proportion. So that helped.

I also determined today, after a week of watching my diet, that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I can't even talk about it I am so upset. Cheese is literally, my favorite food. That is like taking away Kelly Clarkson from me too.

I have been thinking a lot in all the alone time I have had lately because of my lack of social life, and I can't believe how much I have changed. From high school, from last year...it blows my mind. I don't know if I am the person I want to be. I think I have given into a lot. I used to be one of the 4.0 kids in high school and now I do as little as I can to get by in a class. I used to play violin because it was something I was so good at and now what am I doing? I don't even play anymore when that was supposed to be my career. It was the only thing I was ever good at, I was mediocre at the rest. I guess it's never too late to get back into music but I have lost a good year and in violin, that is not good.

I also have been thinking about careers. I graduate in less than a year (unreal to me) and I don't really want to teach with a multiple subject credential. I don't see myself excelling teaching younger children multiple things in one classroom. I have always seen myself with the older kids, in high school, probably math. But I could never major in a single subject like that cause I don't excel enough in a single subject. So that leaves me with getting a masters in education and taking the CSET in a single subject matter or something. But with the economy, I don't see myself teaching at all anytime soon. They have fired so many teachers, but luckily would rather hire new ones right out of college because they can pay them less. So that's good, but still I am not so sure. Working in an office for 2 years now, I can really see myself working in administration at a school or something along those lines. Who knows, hopefully I can do that.

What I really want to do is edit and make youtube videos all day long, but let's be realistic here.

12 days

til I see Kelly from 5th row. I cannot WAIT. I am getting a new camera mostly just for this! Scratch that Canon I thought I was getting, I hadn't done enough research. It only had 3x optical zoom and did NOT zoom in video mode. Not okay. So then I decided on Sony Cybershot which had 5x zoom and I think does zoom in video mode. So I bought it the other day but didn't open it and decided to do a bit more research before opening it. Good thing I did because I came across a camera that had ALL the features I was looking for FINALLY. I don't know how I missed this one. It is the Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ5. It has 9.1 megapixels which is more than enough (once you go over 8 they all kinda look the same, you don't really need all those pixels). It has 10 X OPTICAL ZOOM, and even extends to 16.9 optical zoom! It also has 4x digital zoom. This camera is actually one of the only TWO that will ZOOM in video mode. It also still has the HD video which is what my main requirement was for my new camera. I was hesitant about getting a Panasonic since I hadn't heard much about them in the whole camera area, but the reviews are better than some Canons and Nikons. I have done tons of research, watched youtube video tests of this camera, and viewed picture samples. I am pretty confident this is the one I am getting now. Now the only problem is that NO STORE CARRIES IT. So I am getting it on Ebay and have to look so hard to make sure it's a new one. I hope I get to order it today. It's about time I upgraded my 3 year old, 5 megapixel, piece of crap HP camera that has served me well and made tons of videos for me, but also provided me with tons of red eye, a TINY lcd screen, and no audio on video playback. Also the way it had to say 'charging flash' before EVERY picture at night drove me and everyone I know crazy because it took forever to take pictures. The only thing I will miss about my old camera is that it ran on rechargeable AA batteries, which was very convenient. Now I have to get used to the lithium ion battery thingy.



Anyways, Kelly here I come. My videos will be awesome and so will the pictures.

Anyways, I am doing a bit better on the friend issue I guess. I just need to realize it's okay to have a lot of fairly close friends but it's still hard when you have stuff you need to talk about and you feel like no one cares/you can't tell them anyway. I almost resorted to hanging out with a boy I should not be hanging out with because I was lonely and I kept thinking 'who's gonna know and who's gonna care? no one is keeping me in line about my choices.' But that would've been stupid and a way to get back at no one but myself.

Anyways plans are in the making to go see Maddie in Oregon in August and I am so excited. It will be my only vacation this summer and it will be so good to see her. I feel like she really cares but she is all the way in Oregon always. It's cool to see how God allowed her to come to Biola for a bit though and how He has preserved this friendship over other ones.

4th of July

This weekend was 4th of July. We had a white trash party here at the house. It went okay. My sister and my friend Bry came down for the weekend and it was incredibly stressful. A lot of fighting and criticizing. We went to the beach where I got yelled at for driving 'dumb', we went shopping where I got yelled at for being too cheap and was told I'm going to end up just like my dad, we did a lot of sitting around where I was yelled at for not being a better entertainer, not having enough food and drinks, or a good environment (we are currently without AC and one of them had to sleep on floor).

Remind me not to have people visit again. I am a person that needs alone time once a day.

I just wish I had more uplifting family and friends I guess. It's been real hard lately to come to a realization that no matter how hard you try, you can't make people you thought were your close friends, be your best friends. You can't make them care about your life. I can't get close to God when I need to talk through my past with people, and I can't talk through things like that until I have someone who has been there and I feel comfortable venting to. Therefore I shouldn't let my past actions hinder what God wants to do in my life now, but it's hard to hear Him.

I will try to stop being so emo.

I am blessed.

Very blessed, to have so many people in my life that are awesome and care about me. I have always been the girl that goes through best friends though. Kindergarden, fourth grade, fifth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade...all were different best friends. Then enter Biola where I have kinda drifted from that stage. I have many great friends...great friends.

But it's hard when you don't have someone super close. I think everyone needs that.

So if you have an awesome best friend, thank the Lord for them tonight.

I'm not trying to be debbie downer, I just think it's hard to keep venting to a blog and have no one that truly knows me, like that's been there for major events through the years. Like when something huge happens, I wouldn't know who I would call first, no matter what. And I want to know/have that.

But honestly though, I lay in bed at night and just think about all the awesome people in my life. I have a good life right now so leave this post on a good note. I had a good day being stupid with Heather and Lindsey and making up things to do....let's leave it at that.

Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day. Doesn't mean much for me except I send my dad a card and call him. He sounds worse everytime I talk to him. It really worries me since he lives all alone up in Idaho and won't go to the doctor that much. He better make his yearly visit soon. I really want him to move here before he is unable to do so. He is not much of a 'father', and he hardly knows me, but I am blessed to have contact with him still.

My boss is going on vacation this whole week. Which means I literally get to go to work all week and do nothing, except answer the phone and pray that no one has a serious problem that can't wait til next week. Sometimes it gets stressful, since it IS insurance, but it's more stressful for me now that the other secretary is kinda new (not really but that's a different story) and relies heavily on me for everything she does. I expect more calls at home (yes that's right, I said MORE. as in more than I already get). What I'm saying is that I will enjoy this next week at work because I won't have actual assignments to work on and I won't have to pretend to be busy when I'm done. I also just got another raise at this job, which is so great but I am pretty sure I am leaving this job for campus safety in the fall, and my boss has no idea. It's tearing me apart because both jobs have such great pros and few cons. My boss at this job has done so much for me and now I am making more money and I also know how everything works at this job and he relies on me for a lot. So it's really hard to think about leaving. I've been there 2 years in August. That is crazy to me. It just makes me ask myself, do I want to leave a job where I know how everything runs and make good money, or do I want a change of pace at a job where I have to learn so many new things but have the convenience of working on campus? Ugh.

Campus safety job is going well too. I got golf cart trained last week which was like my driving test all over again, which is weird to take when you have been driving for five years now. I will probably not drive the golf cart that much. At least I hope not. I will get distracted easily and stop and talk to people. It will be a disaster.

I am really enjoying summer but feel like I still don't have the time I want yet to do the things I wanted to. I am taking 2 online classes and have so much due tomorrow night. I need to work ahead on these classes but that's almost impossible for me. If I didn't have these classes, I would be catching up on SO many shows online, and editing videos, and organizing. But I do get to spend my free time doing other awesome things with my housemates, like watching Friends (we are on season 6 ahhh!) or playing 'the headphone game' (you turn it up so loud so you can't hear yourself and then just sing your heart out. it's my new favorite) or sneaking into hot tubs :)

I went to a new church today since my old one is officially coming to an end (even though I wasn't going anymore really :/). I have been going on Wednesdays though since summer started and this wednesday is the last. I am really going to miss it, I love all those guys. It was a good place. The new church though is called Reality LA and it's pretty awesome. It's just so hard to get a feeling of a 'home church'. I feel like I will never have that feeling like I did with my old church in Visalia. It just reminds me that things change. I also saw people last time I was home and I feel like they are still the same as they were in high school. It was almost insulting to me. They just wanted to gossip and it's like they have no room for a change in perspective. They were even talking about some people I am friends with now that we went to high school with. All of that really makes me long for true friends too. Even though I get lonely sometimes, I just think about where I was at this point last year and how extremely lucky I am to have great friends now.

Well I should stop stalling and get to some homework. I will leave you with 2 beautiful pictures of my friend Kelly, from an awards show earlier tonight! I will meet her someday. She is my best friend. Shut up.

Hard to say no.

I get lonely sometimes and this current situation I am in is not helping.

But I've got people keeping me in line so I don't give in.

I can't give in. I have to believe better things will come.

I have a new found hate for...

prank phone calls.

Especially on a touchy subject like creepy neighbors.

It ruined a perfectly good night for me and if I find out who did it, you can bet your life our friendship is over. I know my close friends and family wouldn't do that to me so it's someone that knows me but not very well obviously. I have no respect for you. You have no idea how it felt to be on the other end of that phone call.

Anyways, moving right along...

I am digital camera shopping and having a blast. I just discovered some cameras that have HD video capabilities. For those of you who know me, I loooooove videotaping. This is a dream come true. I can't wait til I have the camera, but now the question is, who is going to make videos with me? hahahaha. I think I decided on the Canon SD780 though. 12.1 megapixels and HD video:

gosh, it's hard to be patient. but I'm working on it. and i'm not talking about the cameras.