DEB

Kindergarten for Life.

2012-01-30T21:16:00.001-08:00

Haven't updated in awhile for all my friends that have me bookmarked..yes, all 2 of you.

I showed the kids a cartoon movie on Martin Luther King. This resulted in multiple kids crying and saying how mean the white people are. Which meant I had to cancel my lesson and have a discussion time instead about Martin Luther King.

Thursday was Crazy Hair Day. I love dress up days more than when I did as a kid haha. I had blue hair, as seen from this photo:

walking out to get my kids was the best thing ever. Just them screaming and pointing and me pointing back at them.

Friday, Liz came to observe my class and got to see the craziness of it. So fun. Of course everyone and their mom needed me/was looking for me that day. My job is never boring.

Today I sent my first kid to the principal's office. It was hard for me but I had to follow through. He was being violent and I said if he did one more thing, he would go to the principal. He then yelled "I HATE EVERYONE!!!!!!!" so I had to follow through after that haha. It was kind of hilarious. I was laughing behind my hands when he left. My class was HORRIBLE today. They lost recess and library tomorrow and I wrote 3 notes home. After this kid went to the principal, all other eyes were on me and they all looked like deer in headlights. I said "yeah...you all better watch out...or you know where you will end up too..."

Quotes:

"Miss Bechtel is it Crazy Hair Day for you AGAIN?!" (I was asked this today. So the answer is no, I just apparently look like crap and had my crazy scrunched hair because I am lazy).

A boy was sucking his knee on the carpet. I thought he was giving himself a hickey, but not to worry. He explained that he was only "sucking on his boo boo."

With all that good, comes a little bad. I am a bit stressed about some work relationships. The other Kinder teacher I have to work very closely with stresses me out, complains about everything and yesterday was in my room, practically in tears about being stressed and how we shouldn't do all these things the administration asks us too. It's really not a big deal (she is computer challenged and her problems wouldn't exist if she used the computer). The only part I get stressed about is when she complains about all of it. So she has been using the word "we" (as in her and me) a lot...saying "next time, we just aren't going to do it. We have had it. We need to confront so and so..." and I have never spoken the words she has so I just don't want to get caught up in this ugly situation. I don't want to be grouped in with her when she is complaining to others about everything, but I also can't sit there and tell her "it's really not something to stress about" when she is crying about everything to me in my room. There is just a lot going on with that. I am not really letting it get to me though. I wake up everyday, super excited about my job and about the fact that I haven't been sick in a month and I haven't had a headache in awhile!! That's all I need to be happy right now.

Bye Roommate!

2012-01-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

Roommate has moved all her stuff out this afternoon...

meanwhile...

Good week back in Kindergarten.

2012-01-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

I have a diva 5 year old who started singing Adele and Lady Antebelllum in class. We had a conversation about it:

“Gracie…are you singing Adele?!”

“uh huh, she is my favorite. Do you think at our next concert you can have me do a solo and I can sing an Adele song? And you could ask Adele to come sing with me on stage? I am a really good singer…”

“Well, we will see if we have another concert, okay?”

next day she was singing Lady Antebellum. I started singing along with her and the look on her face was priceless. “How do YOU know this song?!”

—————————————————————————

My autistic student (aka one of my favorites) decided to straddle my leg and bounce on it while yelling “giddy up!”. He did this in the middle of me reading a book. He got in trouble but I laughed a little first.

——————————————————————————-

One of my other favorites always is upset about something. He is all attitude. It’s kind of hilarious. I can’t even explain him, but he says stuff like this every day:

“ohhh I NEVER get picked to come up to the board.”

“ohhhh I NEVER get picked to run in the relay” (even though I said a million times they would each have a turn).

“ohhhhh I NEVER get to win a prize” (I explained a million times how a raffle works).

“ohhh I NEVER get to buy lunch.”

“ohhhh I ALWAYS have to pay a ticket.”

“ohhh I NEVER get to see my mom.” (his mom teaches at our school).

The best part is when you remind him how none of this is true, he says “OKAY” in a sobbing voice, but continues to pout about it for 10 minutes.

———————————————————————————

When I tell Bible stories, they get SO into it. I told the story of Joseph this week and they had looks of utter terror when he was thrown into the pit. Literally gasping and hands on their faces. It’s the BEST.

———————————————————————————

Quotes:

-“Miss Bechtel, you look really pretty today!”
“thanks!”
“Yeah! Different than you usually do!”

-“I like your necklace! What does it say?”
“Oh yeah, it says ‘cool women are cool’”
( It definitely said “Our God reigns” )

-“Dear Jesus, please help the kids that don’t have any arms and legs. And bless God. and in OUR name we pray, amen.”

-me: “Richard, are you talking?”
”I’m not! I’m bothering her!” (he meant ignoring).

2011: visually.

2012-01-01T19:13:00.002-08:00

Dear Self:

This is your most life changing year yet. You started it off by searching for a real job in not only a horrible economic time, but for teaching jobs no less. You did not take the easy way out and move home. You refused to give up until you were almost out of money and out of answers. You made countless phone calls, filled out probably hundreds of applications, went on a few interviews, and felt rejection over and over again. You learned so much about yourself and your faith during that 6 month of job searching and I couldn’t be prouder of how much you relied on God through it all. You were blessed with the best job of all time that had been prepared for you 50 years in advance and it couldn’t be clearer that God had a plan for you all this time. You strengthened new friendships that are important to you and you let the old destructive ones die. Even though you get lonely at times, I know you won’t settle for less than you deserve. You are confident in who you are, you are independent, you are doing the best you can. You aren’t perfect, so don’t take it too personally when you mess up. I cannot wait to see how 2012 will shape you. My resolution this year is to make God my priority…we say that He is but how many times do I put my devotions off until after my favorite show or after this or after that…it’s time to put Him first, for real.

Thanks for an awesome year. With the bad, came a lot more good to be thankful for.

**If you would like to see the full versions of these photos, go to my Tumblr (link at the top of my blog), because honestly I am way too lazy to upload them individually again on here.

goodbye Poner house days.

moving.

being an adult.

oved my roommate.

saying sad goodbyes to friends that moved away for a bit.

did not regret this night and our hilarious shirts.

getting tweets back from practically all my favorites.

some of my favorites surprised us and we hung out all week. It was magical.

lots of babysitting.

Portland!

Abby visited AGAIN!

weddings and graduations.

summer.

and of course:

learn to dance like Beyonce: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SaYTY0nrM8

get surprised by your bestest college friends that live in Minnesota: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh-cZw1mTDs

Play violin at best friend’s sister’s wedding in Portland: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTo7Z3ymevc

Cruise your old stomping grounds of Visalia, California: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho91UUy3EWo

Wake up at 7am, dance to Ke$ha, and annoy everyone around: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PoEi8082AA

Make another stupid video while unemployed: check.

http://vimeo.com/24400145

Spin at the beach until you fall down a lot: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDM526qDqbo

Have the best summer ever: check.

http://vimeo.com/30297420

See Kelly Clarkson at the Troubador, for FREE, and have her say in interviews that it is her favorite show she has EVER done in her 10 year career: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od6KTUmhE4w

Southern California finally gets a Winco and I don’t have to wait to go home to shop there anymore: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8YtJPXmT4Y

Finally see Sara Bareilles in concert and have my mind blown: check.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_z7ldZOkr0

2012 goals.

2012-01-01T19:13:00.001-08:00

-be consistent in putting God first.

-be patient and content in all aspects of God’s timing.

-get my own place. probably not possible but need a better living situation.

-I know everyone does this and it’s so cliche of me, but I really do wanna exercise. I was good at this until I got a job haha. I do a pretty good job at balancing what I eat (not during the holidays), but I really need to exercise just for the fact that it’s good for me. I have enough health problems so I need to take care of my body. Getting super fit and going down a size or 2 wouldn’t be so bad either.

That’s all. I am pretty content with my life already because I don’t wait til the New Year to change things I don’t like…but I do love a fresh start and I would love to see these things happen.

Sick of being sick.

2011-12-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

I want to know what it’s like to feel 100% every single day. To wake up and not have to worry about every little thing I do or eat, to not have to live such a strict schedule because anything will trigger a headache that will turn into a migraine. I want eyes that don’t water constantly so people stop asking if I am crying. I would love to wear eye make up sometime. I want to be able to sleep on whichever side I want to at night, without catering to the side that’s stuffed up and I can’t breath through. I want to be able to fight off common colds without them turning into sinus infections, bronchitis, and pneumonia (within 1 year I have had colds turn into all 3 of those more than once). I am sick of relying on medications my whole life and spending hundreds on my doctor’s visits. I am very thankful to have insurance, but it still is money gone that I don’t get to enjoy on other things. I just feel so helpless all the time and I know when I get sick that I will end up at the doctor every single time. The one time I was stubbon and decided to try to fight it all on my own is when I got pneumonia. I am just physically incapable of overcoming this.

I just feel like I am at 60% all the time and I can’t even imagine how much more I could enjoy my wonderful life if I could live it without headaches and with an immune system. I mean…it’s like a foreign concept to me. I can’t even grasp it.

Summer can not come fast enough. I am terrified to have a second sinus surgery but I know that is the cause of every single one of my problems. I think I am a lot sicker than I feel. I think there is something greater going on. I’ve had these problems my whole life, but it’s time to get the surgery because I can’t live like this anymore. I am beyond frustrated that while on a 2 week antibiotic for a sinus infection and a week long headache, I caught another cold that now feels like sinus infection #2. How does that even happen? Back to back sinus infections? I think my body has just given up.

"You Poor Thing"

2011-12-13T23:18:00.001-08:00

up late because my devotional tonight has to be written out and I will forget (I tend to forget things if I don't do them when I remember).

Let me describe the setting to you: 77 kids, age 5-7, all on a stage to practice their songs for their Christmas program. 4 teachers losing their minds and 2 aides also losing their minds. My class is front and center but they are the worst ones. I have my autistic kid spinning in circles, saying "weeeee". I have kids sitting down, kids swinging their legs, kids turned completely around, kids telling me they are hot/tired/thirsty/need to go potty, kids jumping and yelling, and everyone looks like they don't want to be there. My job (especially since my aide has been gone) is to stand by my autistic student with his motivator board to try to get him to do what everyone else is supposed to be doing (while monitoring the other 19 of my kids). He is sucking on his fingers 24/7, but at least that keeps him quiet. When he is not spinning, he is trying to climb me to be picked up for a hug (you can tell he is used to doing that with his mom because he is always hanging on me) and I am trying to remove him and explain that he needs to practice right now. He usually tells me he doesn't want to and asks if he can take a nap in the chairs. I say no and PRAY he doesn't have a meltdown in front of everyone. So far so good.

So that is a pretty good idea of what it looks like, when an elderly teacher, who has come in to help my class during rehearsal since we are aideless and OUT OF CONTROL, leans over to me and says (while looking mostly at my autistic student, who is pretty much my favorite) "you poor thing...having to do this every day."

Let's review. She has been teaching for at least 30 years. She looked at me with such pity, as if she had just had to tell me someone died. I was blown away. I put the biggest smile on my face and said "Yes, well, God won't give you anything you can't handle. That's what I tell myself everyday, especially days like today." She didn't respond for a few seconds and then finally said "good for you!"

As I processed this the rest of the day, I kept thinking "I don't HAVE to do this everyday...I GET to do this everyday. Don't PITY me. Yes I may seem stressed at the moment but that doesn't mean I don't love every second of what I am doing. It is a different kind of stress and a different kind of work. What greater feeling than to be doing what God has literally MADE you to do. He has given me every single thing I need to teach and He will continue to test me, build me, shape me, teach me things through all of these situations. There is not ONE day that goes by where I don't wake up thankful for this job and the opportunity that I was given directly from God. So DON'T PITY ME."

Lately in Kindergarten..

2011-12-13T20:29:00.001-08:00

everyone thinks they need to tell me when they don’t want to do something.

“Time to practice our songs for the program!”

“I don’t wanna be in the Christmas program.”

well, too bad. your mom wants you to be in it.

“Line up for library!”

“I don’t wanna go to library. I hate library.”

I’m sorry. But Miss Bechtel gets a 30 minute break during library so I feel a little differently.

“You are acting like a preschooler. You are going back to preschool tomorrow.”

“I don’t wanna go to preschool!" (starts crying)

Well you should have thought about that before you stabbed your eraser with your pencil and hammered on the table for the 3rd time while I was talking.

I have also learned that threatening to take them out of the Christmas program doesn’t work.

“Do you want to be in the show?!”

No….

“Well….too bad…you have to be.” (then me and the other teachers laugh with our backs to them because it is freaking funny when they are so honest with us)

Even though I have had it up to HERE with my class this week (my aide has been out sick and we have had rainy day schedule which means I literally get NO BREAKS ALL DAY. I have them from 8:30-3:00 and they act like they are on crack just because it’s raining.) they still kill me. I have one kid who is a super tough boy but has been so motherly to a few other boys…one was sleepy during our program rehearsals so this kid puts his arm around him and lets him lean on his shoulder while he rubs his head, saying “shhh, shhhh, it’s okay…” HAHAHAHAHA. Then I was watching some other kids in line and a boy goes “hi!” and sticks out his hand to shake, and the other kid looks at him and then finally sticks his hand out too and they shake. Hahahaha.

Other conversations I have every single day:

“my arm/stomach/leg/head/finger/foot hurts” x1000000

“Oh I’m sorry…I am not a doctor.”

“I miss my mom. I wanna go home.”

“Well I love having you here with me and good thing the day is almost over, huh?” (I still say this even if it’s 8:45am).

“Is it Friday?”

“I don’t know…is it? Were you listening during calendar time this morning?” (This doesn’t help…they still never know).

"What time is it?"

"If I tell you, is it going to mean anything at all to you?"

My return.

2011-12-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

I have had a few complaints that I am missed on this blog. So I am back. But I am way too lazy to move what you may have missed on my Tumblr over here, so if you want to catch up on my life and see a lot of funny/random/Kelly Clarkson related things, head on over there and just keep clicking "next" or "older posts" or whatever it is. I swear there are real life updates in there somewhere, if not tons of funny stories from teaching Kindergarten so far.

What's going on right now? Well, I am on day 7 of a headache so that's super fun (not). I feel like I could die at any second because this is not normal, but the doctor says it's just a sinus infection (doctor's never know with me though because I have such a long history that they don't bother to read up on before diagnosing me. I always want to sing the line from Kelly's song that goes "you don't know a thing about meeee"). I always have this weird feeling that I will be one of those people that die from a freak situation...like having a brain aneurysm. But hopefully not, ya know? Hahaha. If this headache is still around Monday, I will be revisiting the doctor. If I don't have a stroke before then, obviously. This morning the pain was so sharp I gagged from nausea. I couldn't finish my breakfast and I crawled back to my room. I swear I would think I was pregnant if that were at all possible.

I just had an extremely stressful week with report cards being due and therefore I have to test every single one of those Kindergartners. This sounds easy, but it was near impossible to keep all of them working on something for ONE SOLID MINUTE while I tested a kid. Also, no one at my school tells me anything I need to know, so I am getting tons of information last minute and am apparently expected to get it done by the same due date. We literally did nothing educational all week haha. So now I will be a week behind in everything but I don't know what else they expect me to do when they assume I must know all the grading areas and rubrics, when (NEWSFLASH) I don't. Try living this week with the previously mentioned headache. I mean, just a normal day in Kindergarten with the headache would be bad enough...but really? report card week?

Then my roommate told me today that she is moving out. So let's add that to all the stress and hope I don't get a weirdo replacement!

Still love my job. Just hating my health right now. I'll never be normal.

oh and PS. I saw Sara Bareilles last night and Kelly Clarkson better watch out. I might have 2 obsessions now.

Playing catch up.

2011-09-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

bring all my tumblr posts over here:

09/04:

Out of all my responses to my ad for a roommate on craigslist, this was the funniest.

How will I notice? After we are already living together? no no no no no no no.

She also sent me a photo of herself. So good. But I am too nice to post that.

So glad I found someone who is everything I wanted: nice, normal, and NEVER HERE.

09/06:

These girls make my life. I’ve had the best memories with them. Great night. ALWAYS fun to be hanging back at Biola.

09/08:

Cheese breath.

I will be recording the hilarious things my precious kindergartener’s say to me. So if you don’t like it, I don’t care.

Today, each kid had a “me bag” where they got to tell the class about themselves. One hilarious little boy pulled out a warm STRING CHEESE and said in one super fast breath:

“and I brought cheese because I love cheese and one time I went to the doctor and he told me I couldn’t have cheese anymore because I have cheese breath so now I can’t have it anymore but I still love it.”

I literally started having a conversation with him about cheese until I remembered I was the teacher.

09/10:

Funny Texting Mistakes.

I have gone back and forth on posting this, but its too funny not to. I have a totally RATIONAL fear of sending texts to the wrong person-in fact, I usually always double check who it’s getting sent to…you have to be very careful these days or else you could end up in a situation like the one that happened to me.

The other night, after hanging out with some of my favorite friends, we joked about getting diarrhea from how much pizookie we were eating. The next day, I am at school setting up my classroom and texting my hilarious friend Lindsey. We are having a disgusting conversation and joking about what the pizookie did to our insides. Well, because of me being super busy that day, I responded to MY MOM instead of to Lindsey. So my mom got this lovely text:

“Literally pounds. I didn’t know my body could hold that much shit.”

FIRST OF ALL, the text itself is REALLY random and hardly makes sense out of context like that, but it’s pretty easy to decode. SECOND OF ALL, I started sweating at what she was going to say about my dirty mouth. BUT my mom’s response made everything even funnier:

“Yeah-your body can hold up to 5 pounds of fecal matter at a time.”

?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

disgusting. welcome to my life. my mom is one of a kind. leave it to her to totally shock me by informing me instead of lecturing me.

It made for a good laugh…especially for Lindsey once I told her.

Brain Training Fail.

2011-07-26T01:06:00.001-07:00

Who remembers...

when I got hired with that tutoring/cognitive brain training company back in MARCH?! and I thought I would actually have a job from that? I hardly remember it so I don’t expect anyone else to.

Anyways, I hate them. I spent countless hours training and testing. Waste of time and money and then they had no students to assign to me and you don’t get reimbursed for your training until you train your first student.

THREE MONTHS after I trained with them, I get an email saying they have a student to give me starting middle of August. The thing that pisses me off the most about this is not the time I waited, but the fact that I know they have given multiple students to other people that I finished training with.

My response?

“Thanks for letting me know, however I will not be able to accept any students due to the fact that I have a job now.”

Sincerely,

a real teacher.

ok that last part I didn’t include.

BRAIN TRAIN THAT, suckaaaaas.

Harry Potter.

2011-07-15T04:50:00.001-07:00

My hilarious friends thought it would be hilarious to have me come to the midnight premiere of the last Harry Potter movie.

I have never cared about Harry Potter…just seemed like too much work to catch up. I also wasn’t allowed to watch them when they first came out.

Well TODAY I watched the first movie and the last one before the midnight showing. That is all I had time for and I thought it was the wisest choice. I was extremely confused after the last one. Everything actually helped me though, because I understood 90% of the final movie. AND IT WAS AWESOME. I can’t wait to watch the rest now. I loved cheering and clapping as huge moments happened in the movie.

My friends got a kick out of my limited knowledge though:

“Deb, do you even have a favorite character?”

“Yes! ….dumby?”

“It’s Dobby, Deb…not Dumbledore and Dobby or Dumbo and Gumby.”

—————————————————————————————————

:Taking quiz to find out which Harry Potter character I am:

“okay Deb, you are either going to be Ron or Harry”

“Who’s Harry?!” (in my defense, I was used to everyone saying his full name, and there were so many character’s names being thrown around that I wasn’t expecting THE MAIN one).

SO YEAH. Harry Potter marathon party is in my future.

Playing Catch Up.

2011-07-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

I have been posting on Tumblr but not here. Whoops. Time to play catch up. Please refer to the last 7 posts haha. Or just get a Tumblr and be ahead of the game. :)

Sick of being a girl.

2011-07-13T12:46:00.002-07:00

At least communicate something to me, just so I KNOW I AM NOT CRAZY. I am sick of you consuming my thoughts and my dreams. Why does my heart keep going back to these feelings when my head says NO? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS? The worst thought is, what if I am making all of this up? Am I really capable of doing this to myself for so long now?

Unfortunately, I probably am.

I Hate New Phones.

2011-07-13T12:46:00.001-07:00

Those of you that know me, know how loyal I am to my ancient, solid orange EnV phone, or as my funny friend Lindsey prefers: the Orange iBrick. There are many reasons, but I just love my phone because it has never failed me. It is a solid piece of technology that you can’t get anymore. I also hate change and love being familiar with things I use a lot, so there’s that. Also, there is just something I love about having an orange phone. It just feels right.

BUT, recently I had to take advantage of my renewal, as I hadn’t renewed since 2007. Verizon is doing away with the optional internet data plans and is enforcing a $30 a month, LIMITED usage plan. This can be avoided by getting a different plan before they enforce that, which is what I had to do.

I am picky about phones. I like mine because of the buttons on the front and how they allow me to text super fast. I don’t even use the qwerty keyboard. I also hate touch screens, but I have got to get over that. I wanted a phone with wifi, good camera abilities, good video abilities, and if it HAD to have a touch screen, I had to have the qwerty keyboard. I decided on the Windows Kin 2, because it’s like the only phone that had these options without FORCING you to get the $30 internet plan. IT HAS AN 8 MEGAPIXEL CAMERA AND SHOOTS HD VIDEO. Also, all I had to pay to get this phone was the tax. Awesome.

I also took advantage of a promotion right now that Verizon was having. Instead of $10 a month for 25mb of internet use, they were offering 75mb, mobile email, and the Verizon GPS Navigator…for TEN DOLLARS A MONTH. I said to heck with all of it, and took advantage of that deal. Because if I hate the phone, I can always return to my faithful friend, the orange iBrick.

they fought.

Last day at home.

2011-07-13T12:45:00.005-07:00

-Breakfast at Panera (my fav) where I got upset that my cashier didn’t swipe my MyPanera card to give me my points. I am serious about those points, lady.

-Orthodontist said I have a beautiful bite and treated me like a 4 year old. Standard.

-Dentist told me about her eye doctor in Beverly Hills who has signed pictures of celebrity patients on the wall and name dropped Kelly Clarkson. I started making a lot of noises to communicate, as her hands were in my mouth, and then proceeded to explain that Kelly was my favorite singer (I tried to play it cool). The dentist then asked if I was dating anyone, and I did not appreciate that.

-I went to the ear/nose/throat doctor for my sinuses and the nurse commented on my horrendous, sunburned thighs. SO glad people are noticing those.

-I packed up my things and Bry accompanied me on my drive back. I dropped her off at LAX and then sang along to The Civil Wars the rest of the way. Now I am in my bed, listening to the weirdest cat ever moan and cry outside my window. HATE CATS.

Ashley.

2011-07-13T12:45:00.003-07:00

Ashley is one of my best friends. She is one of my OLDEST friends, as we met at church in 6th grade and were inseparable since then. Our friendship has actually gotten stronger over the years, even though I moved away after high school. I don’t know anyone who can laugh like we do. Today was awesome. We went swimming and then to Applebee’s happy hour (super classy, I know).

So I got stung by a wasp and the self timer LITERALLY caught my reaction seconds after. That is a real event there, folks.

aaaaaand…I am so glad we do not look like this anymore:

JUNK?!

2011-07-13T12:45:00.001-07:00

I’m sorry, but I am offended by the word JUNK. My car is NOT JUNK. hahahahahahaha. Good one, DMV.

Facebook Stalking 101.

2011-07-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

When facebook friends break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend and think they can hide it, they might hide it for a month or so, but people will find out…especially me. These are the steps I like to take:

1). notice they are not in any recent photos together (or even worse, if they were engaged, not wearing a ring anymore). no recent photos? proceed to step 2.

2). check relationship status (this is usually hidden, but usually it said ‘in a relationship’ or ‘engaged to’ and now is missing…dead giveaway). next…

3). go through profile picture album. all pictures with significant other missing? move on to step 4…

4). search their friends for their significant other. not there? you can safely say they are over.

5). this is just an extra step for fun, to celebrate your detective work. Look at their wall for sympathy or condolence wall posts. these can be vague (ie: “love you girl” or just a “<3”) or they can be not as subtle (ie “U R SO MUCH BETTER THEN THAT LOZER !#$%#%$^@). *my grammatical error was on purpose to reflect 80% of my facebook friend’s capabilities.

My favorites are when they delete each other from facebook and then they make up and have to re-add each other. Off and on relationships are the most embarrassing/entertaining.

Sorry if any of this makes me a horrible person, but don’t act like you don’t do it too.

Stoked.

2011-07-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

Looking at places to move in August. I am ready to SETTLE somewhere. My mom said after a year, once I have some money saved and she pays the house off, we can sign on a condo or something that would be mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She would cosign for it with her credit, and then my rent would actually be going towards something I OWN! Then she says once she retires she can move and live in THAT and hopefully I will be married by then (hopefullybutprobablynotwiththewaythingsaregoing).

Exciting!!

Good friends never disappear.

2011-07-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

Ashley, Sam, and Deb.

2002.

2011.

Old School KC.

2011-07-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ychl5PZhM5E

Happy 4th!

When I told my old boss

2011-06-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

about going to Belize for Thanksgiving, he made sure to point out that lots of tourists get lost or left down there. I told him that he always ruins everything for me because he knows I have the worst luck, and then he laughed for 10 seconds straight. This is the email conversation that took place that evening:

I have never met anyone with a dryer sense of humor. I miss bantering every day.

oh ps, for blog followers I don't know, I am going to Belize for Thanksgiving. I assume everyone is my facebook/twitter friend if you are reading this though.

It feels good to know I'm going to heaven.

2011-06-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

I can’t imagine wrestling with not knowing, or not being sure. Today at the park, while babysitting, 2 old men approached me and asked if I knew where my son would go if he died today (what a surprise, it’s only the 12th time someone’s thought the kid is mine…I kind of hate that I am old enough for people to say that…I just feel like a kid still).

I responded with “well…he’s not my kid…but I know I would go to heaven.”

The man asked me “and how will that happen?”

I said “when God comes back for His people…those that live for Him.”

Finally, he asked “well where is God’s spirit right now?”

“here on earth with us”

(at this point, the man realized I had my ish together…).

He then explained that it is a privilege for 2 old men to witness, because the end times are starting (eh…I believe that…but I also believe it could take another thousand years and I also know no one here on earth can know or say that). He asked me if the boy’s parents were believers (pretty sure they aren’t, since they are all about veganism…), I said I wasn’t sure, and he gave me a couple of their pamphlets to leave the parents. He really convicted me right then and there. It is one of my daily prayers that I will be a living example of Christ’s love, so that others may see it, but I never really go out of my way to proclaim anything like these 2 men were doing. Do people really see Christ in me, or am I only comfortable around fellow believers? Sometimes I am even weary of saying I went to bible college…but I shouldn’t be…it’s just natural to feel that fear in different situations, because of the uncertainty of what may come of the situation.

Later, I watched the 2 men approach a dad (who looked intimidating…I AM in Long Beach after all…there are scary people everywhere…I meet someone interesting EVERY TIME I GO TO THE PARK). He didn’t seem to be a believer, but he kept telling the man “there are only 2 ways to go right? up or down! up or down, man, up or down, that’s what I know, and I hope I am going up!” He couldn’t be more accurate. Except I don’t have to hope. I know. And that’s what kills me…how can people go through life being unsure? What do they feel is the purpose of their life? How do they make decisions and seek guidance/direction in times of need? How do they sort through hardships? It must be so empty.

Is this real life?!

2011-06-10T12:11:00.001-07:00

I am officially a contracted teacher until June 30, 2012. WHAT?!?!?!?! I signed all the legal stuff and got my benefits set up.

I went to my school today and met other teachers and staff, and everyone was so warm and excited. One even took me aside and said “I told him (the principal) ‘get her! you’d better hire her!’ and he did!”

Then I met MY AIDE. Yes. A full time aide in my classroom. THIS IS NO PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, that’s for sure. I am going to be spoiled, but at least I know how it really is in the public schools haha.

I have a week of teacher development in 2 weeks, and then I guess I can start setting up my classroom in August (again…WHAT?!?!?!?). I hope my mom can come down and help me with that because that would mean a lot, but that’s just wishful thinking probably.

I still just can’t believe it. I was looking at the staff pictures on the wall in the office, just in shock that I am REALLY going to be up there. I still feel like there is a glitch, like that I should just be an aide or part time or something, because that’s reality for so many right now and is what I was expecting…but this is real.

I AM A TEACHER!!!!!!

2011-06-01T14:44:00.001-07:00

I am blown away.

I’m sure if you are reading this you know by now that I am going to be teaching Kindergarten in the fall. I am in shock still. I thought for sure when I found out that I would break down out of relief and pure joy…but I was just shocked and numb and couldn’t believe this was reality. Typical me, always made of stone (hate that). I never thought the impossible would happen. But God is bigger than I CAN COMPREHEND, and planned this 50 years ago when my grandparents started to attend that church and enrolled my mom in that school. Then my cousins went there as well…and now a 3rd generation is going to teach there when no other doors were opening. This confirms to me so many things…that God wants me to teach and He will make the impossible happen (out of 40 applicants!) to do so. This also shows how God’s blessings never end because my grandparents gave so much to that church and their family is STILL reaping the benefits, this time in their granddaughter getting a job. Not just ANY job, but a REAL teaching job, at a school that has so much meaning to us.

It’s hilarious too, how this is the only job I just sent out my information too…there were no postings, no use of a website…nothing. This principal also had more than enough applicants and at the last minute, he STILL had me come in and put me through to the next round. It’s also hilarious that I got 5 other job interview offers yesterday and was freaking out about telling them I was waiting to hear on this. I felt so dumb because realistically, I wasn’t going to get it…BUT I DID.

I have been applying for jobs since January…over 65 total. It was a full time job in itself and there were ALWAYS jobs to apply to…whether it was googling all the schools/places of employment around here and sending them my info, or responding to every post on edjoin, acsi, monster, Biola classifieds, OC/LA classifieds, and indeed.com. I always felt like I wasn’t doing ENOUGH to apply, but I was spending entire days applying. It was 5 months of torture, but I am sooo glad I didn’t give up now and apply to Target. There were so many times I got sick of it and just wanted to work SOMEWHERE. But God had this for me.

I keep thinking about all the girls I graduated with and how no one I know of landed a teaching job...why me? Why does my God love me SO MUCH? Why did I ever doubt ANY of this?

So now..it is time to freak the HECK OUT. Hello, welcome to parent teacher conferences with the teacher who is younger than all the parents. HIFAEJDAKLJDAWOJEOA

Remember…when you are tired/sick/discouraged/giving up…God has something you…whether it’s now or a long time down the road…He has a plan. I cannot believe this was known 50 years ago.

Thank you EVERYONE who prayed. I am truly blessed.

So close, I can almost TASTE it.

2011-05-29T01:04:00.001-07:00

I just know something is going to happen soon. I can feel it. I’ve waited long enough, been through enough, and my time has come. God is about to do great things in my life and I am ready for that. I’ve got two big things going for me right now: 1). I am still in the running for a teaching position (Kindergarten!) at the private Christian school here in Long Beach. Things have gone shockingly well…3 days after I sent in my resume/cover letter to the school, the principal himself called me up and wanted me to come in. He then had me do an application by the next day (that took all day to complete). Then I was chosen to meet with the board (out of 40 applicants, 3 made it this far). I can’t remember the last time I was that nervous, OR the last time over 20 people were praying for me (the power of prayer proves itself again). It went well and I was told I was what they were looking for, being highly qualified coming from Biola with the Bible minor (so stoked that paid off) and with the public AND ACSI teaching credentials (again…thanks Biola…2 things I thought I wouldn’t need just played huge factors in this situation by the principal specifically mentioning them…which is another reason I feel God’s planning is involved). The principal then told me they would reach a decision at the end of next week, but he invited me to open house the next day. Well, the next morning I got a call from him saying last night had gone well and that he wanted me to go ahead and meet with the rest of the board on Tuesday. Definitely not a bad thing! I feel like that is where they made another cut, so maybe it’s me and another candidate. Anyways, I decided it would be a good idea for me to go to open house so I did…hoping I would run into the principal so he would SEE me at open house…AND HE DID. Perfect. SO everything has gone about as good as it possibly can, and I am just not used to that. I am really trying to not get excited/think about this, because of how slim of a chance I thought I had…I hate disappointment. But I feel like I am so close I can taste it. And I keep thinking how big of a God I serve if this works out and He provides me with a teaching position when I thought it was impossible…I will just die if this happens. I will know WITHOUT A DOUBT, that THIS is what I should be doing…because I will know that He wants me teaching if I got this job with how the schools are right now…it is literally unheard of. My mom also asked the principal at her work about all of this, and that principal said the open house thing is a big deal. I feel like I am bipolar these days though, but I keep thinking about how shocked/thankful/dumbfounded I will be if I get the job…and then I think about how bummed I will be, yet again, if I don’t.

BUT that is where choice number 2 comes in right now. Out of nowhere, after a HORRIBLE day of discouraging events, I got called for an interview at a Christian printing company back in the La Mirada area (where I am moving back to…perfect). It is for an Administrative Assistant position, 8.5 hours a day, benefits, good pay, and it sounded amazing because they have everyone do daily devotionals and there is Bible study every Friday morning. They also do a lot of ministry as a team, during work hours. So even though the job is back in an office, doing some boring things, it still is somewhere I would be honored to work. Some people hate working in an office…I never did…I am good at it, I like dressing up, I like the environment, and I am not gonna lie…I am lazy so I would rather sit at my desk all day than stand. (I also secretly hope that I am like Pam from The Office, and that I can work with Jim Halpert). I feel like if I end up here, this was definitely part of God’s plan because of the secretary experience I have now getting me this job.

I just have this peace that out of these 2 major choices, God is going to put me exactly where I need to be and I can finally be at peace with wherever I end up, instead of worrying about giving up and working at your local supermarket. I will know without doubt or question that I am where I am for a reason and will be used there.

Obviously, the worst thing that could happen would be to not get offered either of these, but they both went SO WELL and I have hit it off with BOTH employers that it’s hard to fathom that happening…but it could…and I do have bad luck…but my God is a big God. If I do get let down, I’ll just go back to my 24/7 job search…I’ve applied for over 60 jobs now I think, so I’ll just keep at it.

HALEY REINHART

2011-05-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

In tribute to my one of my favorite Idol contestants since Kelly herself, here are my top 10 favorite performances of hers. This was incredibly hard as a lot of them I can’t rank, but I did my best. She was AMAZING. Can’t wait to see what she does now. I, for one, am not excited about the country showdown on Idol and I looooove country music. I do think Scotty and Lauren are great, but I also am now realizing this is what happens when Idol lowered the age limit...teens get more into it and vote more and that's how the best talent gets voted off. No recent Idol winner has been successful, so we will see yet again what happens. (I am going for Scotty. 1, because I think girls run the voting, and 2, because he loves Jesus and has a sexy voice haha).

10). You and I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42CB7aqFC9Y

9). Rhiannon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pkmc-E9fVs

8). Blue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYdIcmbhcoc

7). God Bless the Child

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXhw-4WnlSc

6). Rolling In The Deep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuVj846jkd4

5). What Is and What Should Never Be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV8WvXTLqEc

4). I Who Have Nothing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgSk75vVw4k

3). You Oughta Know

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bwN-dxTS4w

2). House Of The Rising Sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=035GStnLOaI

1). Bennie and The Jets:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBbSvcJdGO4

Friendships

2011-05-17T22:31:00.001-07:00

After venting to my mom about everything going on (don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for so many opportunities right now and am amazed I’ve stayed positive for so long now…I know a lot of people that would have had breakdowns the 2nd week of what I like to call “real life”…aka living on your own, looking for a full time job, and dealing with the rest of life without giving up) I am entitled to have a little rant.

You know when you are REALLY sad about something and you literally feel that knot in your stomach like you are nauseatingly empty? And it physically hurts? I have felt that a number of times when things get to me, and right now what’s getting to me is friendships. Some friendships I thought would never fall apart, are falling apart. And it hurts. People stop making efforts and everything changes. If you don’t make time for friends, then you don’t get to have friendships. It takes two or more equal parties WORKING (yes, working) to make something happen. It’s like a plant…a plant will die if it stops being watered. And I guess this plant is pretty dead.

But it hurts.

Sometimes it’s just so hard to be at where I’m at in life, especially since I only leave the house three days a week on average. It’s not that healthy to be at home all day and not even talk to another person. It’s lonely. And it’s extremely discouraging and depressing to have applied to over 40 jobs and hear next to nothing. So to have friends losing interest in me is just a way to kick me while I’m down. But I’m not giving up because I know moving home will be more miserable.

The best way to wake up

2011-05-16T11:49:00.001-07:00

is to a phone call from a principal.

My mom was born and raised here in Long Beach and attended Bethany School (it’s a school and a church). My grandparents went to church there, and my aunt and uncle attended the youth events. When I was younger, it was where we went to church when we visited and I remember loving it.

So my mom had been bugging me to apply there, saying God had put it on her heart, especially since I was living so close now. They weren’t listed anywhere online with job openings so I had to call and ask if they were hiring. They said to send in my resume for review as they were still unsure about fall positions. That was in February. Haha. I decided to wait until May so that my resume didn’t get lost on a desk as they usually don’t do any hiring in February. I sent it out on Thursday. THURSDAY.

This morning I woke up to a voice mail from the principal, saying he had received my letter and resume and would love for me to come in, meet with me and fill out an application.

Needless to say, it was hard for me to fall back asleep as I was so overcome with emotion (happy) from that. A PRINCIPAL CALLED AND IS INTERESTED. I am trying not to get too excited or nervous, but I can’t help but think “what if?”

I just know the day I land a job, after not working for over 9 months, will be a day for the history books.

2011-05-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Stats.

2011-05-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

Shout out to Jamie, because pretty sure no one will ever catch up to her for sending visitors to my site!

Things I am loving lately.

2011-05-09T16:45:00.000-07:00

my new navy blue purse my roommate got me for my belated bday gift. I usually hate blue, but for some reason LOVED it on this purse. Love the style and love that it will match everything.

my semi new tan purse that the super awesome Maddie (who has an awesome fashion blog that I love) got for me while in Portland. I wear it daily and it is perfect for running errands, because I don’t even have to mess with it or take it off while driving. MATCHES LITERALLY EVERYTHING.

blue maxi dresses. again, weird. usually not a big fan of blue, but loving the navy because of what it can be paired with. I do not have one of these in blue, but once I am employed, it is first on the list. there’s also something so fun about wearing long dresses in the spring/summer.

These shoes, both from Target, ALMOST were purchased by myself yesterday until I realized, I HAVE NO MONEY AND WAS BEING HORRIBLY TEMPTED. I can’t wait to blow an entire paycheck on fun shoes once I get a job haha.

Jennifer Aniston in an actual color, and looking great, as usual.

Kelly has been dressed well this era, surprisingly, and this Betsey Johnson dress was perfect for the Coca Cola gig.

as if people haven’t raved about this enough, I will continue to do so because great, honest talent deserves attention. My favs are definitely Rumor Has It, Someone Like You, Set Fire To The Rain, I Found A Boy, and of course, Rolling In The Deep.

I hate that I am writing this, but I love Taylor Momsen’s band. Gosh, I dislike her for so many reasons, but her voice and her songs are strangely good and catchy and I have to admit, their recent album “Light Me Up” is definitely one of the cds in my car at the moment. Unbelievable.

Haley Reinhart on Idol. She’d better win because she’s unique and the best contestant they’ve had in a LONG time, even if the judges continue to criticize her more than the others. Check out her best performances: Bennie and The Jets or House Of The Rising Sun. She will do great things post Idol.

This blog that my awesome friends are running. It’s doing really well and I am proud of them. It also always inspires me. Love it and them. So go check it out.

If you like to watch people fall down...

2011-05-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

This is what my dog does when I leave home.

2011-05-06T12:23:00.000-07:00

My heart aches haha. She is getting so old.

Meet my future roommates!

2011-05-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

These are the lovely women I will be living with come August. I am so stoked God worked this out. I may not have a real job yet, but this was a huge stress factor in my life as I had to make a decision by May about where I was going to live. One of my greatest friends from school, Chelsea, will be moving in to take my roommates spot here in Long Beach for June and July. Then, we will all be getting a place in August (probably back near Biola area, but we'll see). We are all so excited because this is a place of semi permanence, at least until we all have real jobs. I hate moving in to temporary places, so to not have an ending date on this plan yet is very comforting. Anyways, here they are:

This is Chels. She is the best. I met her my sophomore year at Biola through our other 2 greatest friends, Jess and Abby, who live in Minnesota now. We have related to a lot of things together through our time at Biola and she was a great friend, listener, and confidant. She also didn't move after graduation and is one of the few friends I have left in the area that is not married, so we got to hang out a lot more because of that. She is super funny (one of my favorite twitter friends) and I am super stoked to share the summer with her before getting a place in August. I just know we will have a blast.

THIS is Blakeslee, one of my only friends from my major at Biola. We shared a mutual love for disliking everyone else in our major (elementary ed...so just a lot of uptight girls that will drive you nuts...we were more laid back/apathetic haha). We also started realizing that we were in every. single. class together SOMEHOW, and were always next to each other on the roll sheet. So we started working together on group projects whenever possible, taking our state tests together, and our friendship began. We started hanging out outside of school and she is one of the most loving, genuine people I know. We got through our degrees together, got through student teaching together, and have met for coffee NUMEROUS times since finishing our credentials. God blessed me with this friendship because we are both in the same position....trying to get by without real jobs. When you have someone to go through it with, it's 100x better. She will be a joy to live with and she will also be my roommate when we get a place!

This is Lindsey! I definitely had to get this photo from her facebook, so I hope she doesn't think I'm weird now! I do not know her that well yet, but she is SUPER sweet and fun. She lives with Chelsea now and will be Chelsea's roommate. I have had a few very pleasant conversations with her at their house AND she is a fellow teacher, who will be student teaching in the fall. There will be 3 of us education majors living together and I think that's great. I am sooo excited to get to know this girl and have a feeling we will all be great friends :)

This seriously came together all of the sudden, both Blakeslee and I were flipping out about housing, with about 2 weeks left to make a decision. We met for coffee and it all fell into place. THEN, Chels and Linds ran into Blakeslee the NEXT DAY (those 3 didn't really know each other) and hit it off and talked for so long! Is that not God's confirmation or what?

I am just super stoked for what's to come, especially since I don't have to move this month. The last thing I wanted to do was move without knowing where I would be working. I want to make a wise decision for my commute, but first I need the job. It's so great to know I can be comforted in this, even if I still don't have a job.

I am a different person now.

2011-05-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

Let me explain.

In college, I was known for eating peanut butter from the jar (FYI, there are 200 calories in 2 tablespoons of any type of peanut butter, and I was eating like 1/8 of a jar per sitting). I would dip bread in cream cheese, AS A DIP. I would get multiple slices of cheese from the sandwich bar at school, at lunch AND dinner, and just eat them plain. I would have seconds on every dish of meat covered in some buttery sauce. I NEVER had salad because I didn't like most of the dressings (too watery at Biola). I thought cereal was the healthy alternative to a meal. I also ate probably double the amount of food I should have at every. single. meal. My appetite is a force to be reckoned with, and is something I still struggle with (always hungry). I believe this is because my metabolism sucks everything up so fast, but I was eating SO BADLY.

So, it is a wonder I didn't weigh 200 pounds. I did gain my freshman 15, but it wasn't that noticeable because of my height (I noticed though).

So, in high school, I was probably eating 4000 calories a day, but I was also usually on a sports team, and oh yeah...WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, so I could eat anything I wanted. My favorite was to come home from school and have a LARGE sized Stouffer's frozen mac and cheese (I literally drool every time I talk about these things). So delicious, but sooo bad. That was just my snack. Or I would have mexican food at Bry's house before I went home for dinner. Keep in mind my dad was not around, my mom was suffering from depression and never cooked meals for us, so we were on our own food wise. I had something frozen or something from a fast food place every day during high school. Throughout the day, I was famous for having snacks...one for every class. I had ding dongs, chocolate dipped granola bars, cheese crackers...all of the delicious pre packaged, processed snacks. My first class was orchestra, at 7:25am (we had to meet before school, but I got out earlier). I would have breakfast at home, and then would pull a freaking SANDWICH out of my VIOLIN CASE, and snack in between songs. It's a wonder I had ANY friends, now that I am thinking about all of this. Lunch every day usually was from the Subway or Dominoes vendors, and once I got my license junior year, we would go to freaking KFC, Jack in the Box, or to Bry's house for more mexican food. Hahahaha this is killing me as I write this. ANYWAYS, you get the point.

Half my family struggles with being overweight. I take after my dad (he's 6'3" and had chicken legs growing up too). A lot of my aunts and relatives are overweight, too. So instead of gravitating towards that lifestyle, I started being terrified of ending up like that. I decided to do something about it, but never had the time, energy, or resources to really stick with anything.

It took a variety of doctors and a nutritionist over a lot of years telling me I needed to exercise and eat a lot better because it was directly affecting my health. I needed to build good habits for the rest of my life, as I hadn't been exposed to them. I had headaches all the time (still do), no immune system (still sucks), acne, fatigue, and even high blood pressure during one visit. Not to mention my extreme allergies and asthma. I was shocked that I could not eat whatever I wanted anymore, because this society makes you think you can, especially those celebrities who say "oh I just try to eat right and work out when I can" YEAH RIGHT. I did research and realized how hard they work to look like that, as it is is PART OF THEIR JOB, sadly. I decided with my lack of life, I could make an effort.

So I started doing 30 minutes of exercise a day. I don't drink soda hardly ever, even diet (it makes me burp...I'm weird), I don't buy cheese unless it's for a recipe (that's sooooooooo hard for me OH MY GOSH), I try to have as much meat, fruit, vegetables, and salad as I possibly can, I make a lot of smoothies to stay full and get all my fruit in for the day, I try a lot of new recipes, I try to stay away from things with perservatives if I can, I log everything that goes in my mouth to keep myself accountable, and I eat whatever I want still just making sure to remember portion control.

Now, I don't get headaches if I exercise semi-regularly (there are still exceptions but I know how to live my life and avoid them 80% of the time...it took years to learn what triggered them). My skin has semi cleared up (wondering how old I have to be for it to completely go away). My asthma sucks but I have been building my lung capacity through all of this, which helps. All around, I just feel better about myself, with more energy. It's been incredibly hard with all of the delicious foods America has to offer, but I have a better mind set now and really think about the decisions I make every day. I can't believe how much this has educated me, as I thought I was eating healthy at one point and was really just deceiving myself on how many bad things I was actually eating. I don't want to make it hard for my body to let me live, if that makes sense haha. Don't get me wrong though, I have always been confident in who I am, and I hope everyone can be too. It's the most attractive quality for someone to accept themselves before others. I can't stand people that are constantly criticizing themselves and comparing themselves to others and wanting to fix certain things about themselves. In case you've forgottten, God made YOU, just be your best and give it all you got.

The secrets I've found to make it through my 23 years:

-8 hours or more of sleep. Seriously. For so many reasons.

-lots and lots and lots and lots of water. Again, for so many reasons.

-sunscreen, even if just running errands. Your skin is sacred.

-indulge. :)

People aren't joking when they say diet and exercise is the secret.

Stupid Things I Notice.

2011-04-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Every. single. bra. commercial.

NO ONE DRESSES LIKE THAT WHEN LOUNGING AROUND. Unless I am totally out of the loop.

Good Morning!

2011-04-21T23:19:00.001-07:00

this was captured at 7:00am. that's all.

Rusty violin skills.

2011-04-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

For those of you who wanted to hear how the wedding went, this is a horrible quality sampler of the songs. You can only see my legs and shoes the whole time haha.

Different generations and their technology.

2011-04-17T00:17:00.001-07:00

I’ve noticed a difference between generations using technology such as facebook, email, and especially text messaging. For example:

A text from my friend would read something like this:

“omg hahahaha I know, so ridiculous.”

A text from my mom usually looks like this:

“Wow! How nice. Today I went to the bank. Not feeling too good so am going to nap. Do not call. Going 2 do the dishes later so won’t be answering my phone. R U going to watch Parenthood? Text me if U R.”

I guarantee every text from my dear mother goes off into some list of SOMETHING that I do not really care about but she thinks I do. And she always tells me when not to call (like EVERY Thursday night when she has bible study. every.single.Thursday. even though I remember and never need to call her on a Thursday night). “Going 2 my bible group 2nite, turning my phone off so please don’t call til after 9. Thanx.” She also abbreviates weird things sometimes.

ANYWAYS. Then on facebook (which my mom doesn’t have and never will, but I wish she did because that would be a whole other realm of material) the generations differ and it’s painstakingly obvious. Take a photo comment for instance:

someone my age: “super cute!” or “okay, this is adorable!”

someone younger than me: “omgzzz soooo cuUUuttTTTee!!! Debzzz <3<3** 8-)

someone over 40: “Hey there. Nice picture of you. Have I told you about *John* lately? He is doing the same kind of thing! So funny! You two should talk. How are you doing these days? Am not on facebook that much, don’t have time to keep up with it, but just posted photos of our camping trip, we had such a good time but remind me to tell you about getting lost. Check your email, I sent you something funny. Anyways, I am off to run errands, hope to see you soon, say hi to your mom for me…how is she doing? Anyways, talk to you later!”

and that my friends, is a pretty accurate recap of all the experience I have had with different generations and technology.

*to add to this, I just got a birthday card from my aunt, who is awesome, but instead of a normal birthday message it goes like this:

"do you and your sister have Easter plans yet? am trying to get everyone together. Going to Arizona but will call you when I get back. I'll say hi to Nana and your aunt."

The one. The only.

2011-04-16T12:10:00.001-07:00

My Sunroof.

2011-04-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

My sunroof broke (insert swear words here since I am beyond broke) so this has been my life.

It was ripped to shreds on the 405...shocker.

Tomorrow I get it fixed. And then I will play my violin in front of Jack in the Box for money.

:)

I hate to say/type this...

2011-04-10T18:46:00.001-07:00

but I think I am going to go back to school and get my masters…

to be a speech pathologist…

almost every district is hiring them and I have a friend who is doing the program and loves it.

There is just that $70,000 in loans I have haunting me and I don’t want that amount to get any bigger, considering it’s all on me and I don’t have anyone helping me pay that off later.

ughhhhhhhhh.

How it goes down at home.

2011-04-05T17:56:00.001-07:00

See that post below?

2011-04-01T09:44:00.001-07:00

Forget about it and everything it says because my uncle called and took back the job offer this morning. Said he had had a panic attack last night and knew this wasn't meant to be again.

My life is just something to mess with apparently. I just keep looking like an idiot and I was already depressed.

This isn't an april fool's joke either. I hate april fool's day and unfortunately I am living what just happened.

God just rocking my world.

2011-04-01T01:11:00.001-07:00

This week at home has been for my mental health and to just be refreshed from my stupid routine of being worthless and trying to figure out my life. I also needed to look for jobs and start contacting people I met at the Biola career fair and all that fun stuff. Today is the first time all week I have been ready to conquer my to do list. As I sit down to follow up/research/look for jobs, my uncle calls. First he makes small talk, and I didn’t think anything of it, I know he was curious as to what I have been up to and all that (NOTHING UNCLE, BECAUSE I STILL DON’T HAVE A JOB). Anyways, I tell him what’s up and he says “well, we’ve been talking and praying and we still have no viable candidates for the position and definitely none that came close to you. I realized I have been going about it the wrong way…I can’t just have someone try it out and then go into the full time position…I need to have them start off as part time, get their feet wet a little, learn things along the way, and gradually take over the role…I was trying to throw you in there and no one would have passed that test and pleased everyone right off the bat like that. We are doing well financially as a church and are able to accommodate your circumstances and this position as a part time thing. So it’s totally up to you, but we would love to bring you on part time, full medical benefits, and work around your schedule, whatever else you have going on, whatever you need to do, just let us know, but we would love to give it another shot.”

My response was something like: “uh…wow…uh….”

him: “I know, it’s a lot to take in and I don’t want an answer right now, but pray about it and let me know whenever. There is no time frame and I believe this is the right way to do it this time, but only if you feel God wants you to as well.”

then I hung up and my mom and I sat there silently, in shock. (she could hear the conversation as she was sitting right next to me and my phone is loud). I think her first words were “part time with benefits? that’s non existent!” she had also been reading a book (I need to get the name of it from her) and had put it down when she realized what was happening in the phone conversation. But she reopened it and started reading where she left off…the paragraph she had left off on went something like this:

“when you receive criticism or bad news, you don’t completely trust in God’s assurance, instead you let it devastate you. you beat yourself up over it and you let it rule your life. you wonder what you could’ve done better and you let the failure surround you. this is not a result of your competence, but instead of your dry prayer life.”

bingo. I have never been good at daily devotions (I do pray for friends, family, decisions, etc) and that is something my uncle wanted me to have in my routine before he hired me. I started doing it while trying to get hired there, but that was to get the job, not because it was part of my routine. I stopped doing them after it fell through because I was letting the devastation rule my life, my thoughts, my actions.

my aunt had taken me out to breakfast the day after I did not get the job with them, and said that there was no one else to fill the position and it may end up that they ask me to reconsider in a few months. I was a little offended that they thought I would just be waiting around for them to ask me back. I told her that it was pretty much a closed door for me after that decision and that I was going to move on with my life. during that tough time afterwards, I talked a lot with my mom and neither one of us could come up with reasons as to why I would work towards that position for 2 months to have it end like it did. we could not figure out what I was to learn from that or why I had to endure that. I stuck with my decision that this would be a closed door…but that was for the full time position. It never even crossed my mind that part time would be an option and that I would gradually be able to work into this.

let’s look at the signs:

-Sunday-Pastor spoke on meditating on scripture and being rooted in the word, as people will be tempted to walk away from Christ if they are not doing this. This is something I have always struggled with doing and it definitely hit me that day. I made every intention to better myself in this area.
-I have a life crisis like 2 hours later.
-I go home for the week to try and “figure out my life.”
-my uncle calls right when I sit down and start looking online for new jobs.
-he admits they went about it the wrong way and offers it to me part time, with the ability to work around my schedule and any other circumstances.
-my mom is reading a paragraph DURING THE PHONE CALL that directly applied to what I went through.
-driving home tonight I hear this song, just crying and driving, the usual:

“I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me.”

I don’t deserve anything from God for hardly making an effort, but He STILL blesses me. Such a hard concept for me to get.

dang. talk about God rocking your world in a few hours.

All in a day's play (since I don't work)

2011-03-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

My day.

surprised Bry:

went and picked out luggage! My mom got it for me for my birthday coming up and we have been searching for luggage for me for a long time, as I always fly/travel with a stupid duffel bag. After searching for the past year, I finally found a set I LOVE….I MEAN, HELLO, IT’S PINK AND AWESOME. (also please notice my lovely jeans I am wearing, as I FORGOT PROPER PANTS on this trip home and luckily found those in the bottom of my old closet. They are literally from 9th grade).

then I couldn’t take my hair ANY LONGER. IT WAS DRIVING ME NUTS. It was month 9 without a hair cut so I went back to my old ways and let my mom give me a trim.

after:

she still does a great job haha. This should last me until I have an income and can make it to the salon.

It’s been good to be home so far but it’s already getting crazy. As soon as people hear, I get pulled in a thousand different directions when all I really need is time to myself/with my mom. I need this week for support, motivation, and focus. I need to apply to every job I find online and exhaust all options, as every decision I make right now determines my future. One month from now I will know where I am living next depending on what happens in April, isn’t that crazy? Yeah it is crazy, which is why I am going crazy and had this semi meltdown and am now home. I do know God has a plan though.

Gimme that taco.

2011-03-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

Facebook knows my love language. I DO need to eat that before I die.

And I continue to be weird.

2011-03-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

I might regret this later, but this is my life right now...vlogging about stuff that doesn't matter.

Reminiscing.

2011-03-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been reflecting back on missions trips from my past and what an experience each of them was. The devastation in Japan has me thinking about it even more now because of the help needed there, and I have been super annoyed with anyone that has made it about them somehow/made jokes about it. I’ve just been feeling lately that I want to get out and do something different. Something away from here, out of my comfort zone, but something that will allow me to meet great people and build great relationships. I have been a bit discouraged as the job I am working on taking looks like it will be a part time thing so I am already looking at other options. I am going to the Biola career fair in a few weeks and will check out my options around here. I really want to avoid working 2 part time jobs and just be committed to one thing. I have been praying for insight, patience, and perseverance lately that I will just find what God has for me and will follow through with whatever he puts on my heart. Reflecting on the good parts of my past has been comforting this weekend.

click here to see the full post with photos.

Get money, get paid.

2011-03-08T13:57:00.001-08:00

So for anyone that has been under a rock this past week, I am almost EMPLOYED.

Literally the first interview after the job at the church fell through. The job will be working with people, preschoolers to old people, that have learning disabilities or are advanced and want to reach their potential. We would teach them how to learn, but not specific subjects like tutoring. It’s called brain training and it’s really taking off here. This is the website if you are curious and it explains it a lot better than I do. Unfortunately it costs a butt load and a lot of people can’t afford it, but hopefully it will be able to reach more. Students that go through the program improve their IQ by 15 points and improve their social skills as well. Students are assigned to different trainers (I would be a trainer) for a minimum of 12 weeks. We will do a lot of games and mental activities and things during that time that help them. In the interview we had to do crazy tests so they could make sure we had the capabilities to implement all these activites.

The interview was so long and I ended up getting interviewed at 10:00PM (reminder: bring book to future interviews). First they gave us a paper with b’s, d’s, p’s, q’s and told us really quickly one time that we had to circle one, triangle another, underline another, and cross out another. MIND NUMBING. We had 2 minutes to do the whole page and most people didn’t even hear the directions right. Then I went in a room with a lady who told me I had to replace certain sounds with different ones and finally she would say a word and I would have to say it backwards. CRAZY. I got all of them right except when she said FINE and I said ‘NIF’ and it should have been KNIFE because of the long “I” sound…OH MY BAD. Then next I went in a room with a girl who set up a metronome and I had to clap every other beat while telling her about myself. Then I had to clap every 3rd beat. I honestly don’t think I would have been able to do that without having played violin because I had to use one at my violin lesson every week, back in the day. HATE THAT THING. Then she pulled out a sheet of words that said different colors, but the colors of the word were different than the word. So the word ‘yellow’ would be blue. So I had to say the color the word was while clapping every other beat, every third beat, and then while the lady was distracting me. Then the final part of that was clapping every other beat and saying the color of the first word, the word of the next word, the color of the next word, the word of the next word, all while she was distracting me. AHHHHHHH!!!! They want to see that you can focus your attention on one thing. It was crazy and I thought for sure I got something wrong after all of it (it felt like an eye exam after awhile) but she said I got everything right. Then the last part was the interview with the boss lady who was super nice. She ended up being a pastor’s wife and completely understood my previous situation with the church. I was so relieved and felt God’s hand over that situation, as I was worried about how to explain that I was in process of getting hired at a church but it didn’t work out. To someone non-familiar with the church, that would just sound like “oh, she did something wrong and wasn’t good enough to get hired” but she understood the process so I was so thankful for that. She asked me a few tough questions (I am so bad at answering interview questions on the spot) but it went well obviously. So that’s it! It’s crazy and it’s in Orange so that commute sucks but I might move that way come June, depending on if the job is solid enough. I have to move out of Long Beach come the end of May anyways so I have to start thinking about it. I HATE MOVING. I need to hire someone to move for me next time because it sucked.

I went to training this past weekend and will observe sessions this week. We do all the brain activities in training and it is HARD. You have to be fast, you have to be correct, and you have to multi task. And we all take turns demonstrating the activities in front of the group. IT SUCKS but everyone supports each other when we mess up as we are all learning. I have made a friend too, she goes to Biola of course and we laugh our way through training together. Anyways, training lasts all through March with the certification test taking place at the beginning of April. It sucks that I have to wait that long to start working but that would be the case with any job I went and interviewed for right now. Prayers are appreciated that I will do my best and that I will pass the certification test, and that if I do get hired the hours are solid and the job is great. So far everything is looking good and I am super stoked.

God is good. I love thinking about how he had me looking at the church job for 2 months to stall me, so that I could be able to take this job opening and that maybe this is where I am supposed to be. Maybe later on I will get promoted or be able to take this program to the public schools. Maybe this training will be a factor in a future job I get. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know everything happens for a reason.

Twitter Crap.

2011-02-27T14:04:00.001-08:00

For my recent post, click here, because I am too lazy to post every picture and commentary over again.

What’s on your playlist?

2011-02-24T21:26:00.000-08:00

I have been on this health kick lately. I went shopping recently and had a bad experience trying clothes on at Forever 21…It was hard to fit into some stuff and I was angry. I figure I have absolutely no life so I might as well try to better myself. I just wanna see what happens and maybe ‘get fit’ in the process. I have noticed that my headaches do not appear when I exercise, which the doctors always told me, but I refused to believe it haha. I am also changing my diet because I have some food allergies and want to put good things into my body. It has been so, so, so, so, so, so hard. I love food, especially fatty food. And I am always hungry. Always. BUT I have found some awesome recipes that are awesome and found that, with a little effort, it is not all that bad. My favorite recipe so far is apple braised chicken. It’s super moist and the baked apples are great flavor.

The key to motivating myself to work out is changing up my workouts, rewards (like jogging to Coffee Bean for an iced coffee), and AN AWESOME UPBEAT PLAYLIST. On my workout playlist right now is:

Britney Spears - “Toy Soldier”, “Hot As Ice”, and “Circus”

-Cobra Starship with Leighton Meester (aka my favorite Gossip Girl character, Blair Waldorf) -“Good Girls Go Bad”

-DJ Khaled - “All I Do is Win”

-Edward Maya - “Stereo Love”

-Glee - “Dog Days Are Over” (I like to run to their version more than Florence’s…go figure).

-Jay Sean and Nicki Minaj - 2012

-Ke$ha - “Blow” (she sucks but I need those beats)

-Ludacris with Sum41 - “Get Back” (my. favorite. rap. song)

-Nicki Minaj - “Super Bass”

-The Pretty Reckless - “Make Me Wanna Die”

-Eminem and Rihanna - “Love The Way You Lie” (something about the raw emotion and anger motivates me haha, I always skip it on the radio though)

-Usher - “More”

-Timbaland and Katy Perry - “If We Ever Meet Again”

-Lady Gaga - “Monster”

What’s on your playlist?

I am usually a happy girl

2011-02-23T00:08:00.001-08:00

But it’s been really hard lately. I have been dreading writing this post. I didn’t get the job that I thought was pretty much set in stone. It hit me out of nowhere. All the people that supervised my teaching said great things about my performance…except one guy. And that was it. It was over. My uncle felt that God wanted a unanimous decision to hire me and he did not have one.

Of course I know that God has something better for me and that this all happened for a reason. But I still can’t wrap my head around why I spent 2 months preparing for a job that I thought I had. I wasted so much time, all while my finances continued to drain. What did God have me learn through that? That I should try my best, get excited about something, and then get blind sided? Talking through it with family just killed me even more. It took me all day to tell my mom because I knew I would only be able to utter one sentence before I broke down. It hurts so badly when you disappoint yourself, but when you disappoint others too because everyone thinks you could’ve done something better.

And now this whole other aspect has been developing this week. The fact that I literally felt that this is what God had for me. How could I have felt so sure? It made me doubt not only my abilities, but my relationship with God. Do I even hear Him? I thought I had spent time with Him and all the signs pointed to this job. It’s like I don’t even know anymore.

And on top of all of this, I have become so lonely here. My roommate is gone all day at school and work and I just sit around job hunting. All my friends are scattered. La Mirada, Visalia, Minnesota, Oregon, Paramount, and beyond. And I have to pay money to see them (either driving or flying) and it’s starting to stress me out.

I called my mom again today and she went into this rant about how I don’t dress appropriately and how that might’ve been a factor in me not getting the job. Really? I haven’t lived with you for 5 years and you are going to tell me I dress like a slut? I worked in an office for THREE YEARS, and then student taught. I know how to adhere to a professional expectation. And why would you even give me another thing to doubt myself on?

AND THEN FREAKING FACEBOOK APPARENTLY DECIDES TO SHUT DOWN MESSAGING SO I CAN’T EVEN MESSAGE MY FRIENDS. We’ve had this thread going since graduation and I refuse to start a new one because all of our thoughts, struggles, emotions, and laughs have been in that thread. SO THANKS FOR THAT FACEBOOK.

The best news is that I get to return to my friends at my old church, which is one of the initial reasons I did not want to pursue this job. I was upset about leaving so was very happy to return, despite the reasons why.

I think I am just scared of getting stuck working somewhere like Wal Mart for years. And I am scared that I just don’t have what it takes after this whole experience.

Ok, this is the only emo post I will be writing about this. Prayers always appreciated.

Over a year of waiting.

2011-02-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

and I got my tweet back from Kelly. Others got dozens, but I was always unlucky. I finally picked the right question and asked her “which Friends character is your favorite and which one do you resemble the most?” and I got this:

So that is 2 OF MY FAVORITE THINGS COMBINED. Friends and Kelly. AND 2 TWEETS FROM EDEN ESPINOSA ON MONDAY. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!

Guess that means my luck is changing and I’ll finally win a meet and greet after 8 YEARS.

For those of you thinking “oh a tweet from Kelly on the internet, stupid, she doesn’t even know who you are” stop raining on my parade. This is some hardcore dedication paying off! Haha.

I needed this. As materialistic as it is, I needed this.

I'm lazy.

2011-02-15T17:59:00.000-08:00

I would copy and paste my Tumblr posts, but I am lazy today. So just check it:

http://de-bored-ah.tumblr.com/

I retaught my lesson at church Sunday and am awaiting feedback to see. I had a dream that they did not want to hire me so hopefully the dream is wrong.

Inquiring minds want to know...

2011-02-03T13:58:00.001-08:00

For those of you who might be wondering, “what the heck is Deb doing with her life these days? Doesn’t she have a job yet? I thought she had a job, why is she doing nothing? How many cake balls has she made in the past week? (like 150) How long can she stay in her pajamas? (2 days).”

Hopefully this post can answer all those questions and more.

LONG story short, basically I am in the process of taking a position at a church in Torrance as the children’s ministries director. It is a long process. I have been thinking/praying about this opportunity for months now, and my main concern was going into this position for the wrong reasons. I wanted to feel God’s calling and I wanted to have a passion for it. I also wanted to make sure I was NOT taking this job just because ‘it was something to do until I can find a teaching job in a few years.’ The position had been open since August and I kept telling myself that if the position were still open when I was available that I would then consider it. Well, it was still open, so I had no more excuses to make, and hadn’t heard from God any reasons NOT to pursue this. I also was enlightened after realizing that maybe God wants me to use my gifts for His church. So I met with them and started the process. Interviewed, met the staff, met the people of the church, observed children’s programming, and taught my first Sunday School lesson. Everything was going as good as it could have and I was beyond excited. God had confirmed that this was a position I cold thrive in, it was something I was passionate about (kids and Jesus…duh), and it was His way of providing for me in these dire times. It combined the best of both worlds for me: the teaching and the administrative (after working at an insurance office for years, I wanted to put some of those skills to use as well). I was also struggling a lot with the routine aspect of the classroom teacher, and being confined to a classroom. I am a person that needs variety and was really not looking forward to starting a career in a classroom when I had just spent the past 17 years in a classroom. So this was an answer to so many issues of doubt and uncertainty to me. They also wanted to hire someone with teaching training, as past approaches of hiring various people in the past had failed, and they wanted someone who knew how to get the content across, that was trained biblically and theologically and well (thanks for that minor in biblical studies Biola!).

So, as great as it was going, I got the critique on my first lesson back last week and it was…not the best. I had taught 26 kids (biggest group they had ever had of course), ages 6-12 (and one 15 year old who just refuses to leave). Besides that, there were about 7 adults up there, either helping me or critiquing me. I would’ve flipped if I hadn’t been so used to supervision from student teaching. But I had never taught in front of 7 adults before. Anyways, I thought it went great for my first time, for not knowing the kids yet, and for only observing ONE lesson prior. Most of the adults said I was great…however, one review had a LIST of things for me to work on. Things that contradicted the feedback I had received from the others. Comments were made that not only confused me, but frustrated me (i.e. “she engaged the kids!” and “she could’ve done better engaging the kids.” and “she seemed nervous.” and “she seemed so at ease!”). I talked out all of these issues with the pastor so that we were on the same page, and we decided I would do a redo lesson in a few weeks. He left me with the words ‘don’t be discouraged.’ but I totally was. My balloon full of air on this journey had deflated and I was left wondering how I could’ve been so confident and how will I be able to improve? I know that God is humbling me and that I need to be spending more time with Him, especially on all of these issues now. And, I do have a peace about if it doesn’t work out, that this was not what He has for me right now (even though I will be very confused if that is the case). I simply have to gather all my resources and try again.

So this is why I have been useless this past week. I have nothing to do really. Which I am not complaining about. I am catching up on things I have wanted to do for years, and I am meditating and spending time with God. What more could I ask for? I just hope and pray that this is STILL what He has for me, and that I have not been wasting so much time when I need a job so badly. I am confident that this is all a part of His plan for me right now, and all prayers are greatly appreciated.

Disneyland

2011-01-26T00:02:00.001-08:00

I have rediscovered my love for Disneyland lately after going twice this past weekend. I just love being able to go whenever…one reason why I have no desire to leave Southern California. I saw World of Color on Sunday and it was magical. Whether it’s crying tears of pure terror in front of strangers on the ferris wheel or posing for photos on rides (even though you have hundreds of them), like McDonald’s says…’I’m Lovin’ It’.

I need a GPS for life.

2011-01-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

The only thing I had on my plate has a 5% chance of surviving.

Long story short, I could have had 2 different sub jobs going for me, but I am waiting on my credential to be processed before I apply with the sub paperwork. Problem is, subs have to apply before January 12 to make it for the February orientation (the sub job was middle of February). My credential won’t be processed by then, so unless I pay some fees and get hired as a non-credentialed employee, I can’t sub. That seems dumb to me though when my credential is literally in limbo and I also don’t have the money to spare as I have been jobless for 5 months.

Feeling frustrated, angry, useless, lost, sad…Been praying non-stop for weeks for God’s direction and will for my life right now and can’t hear it.

Don’t want to move home, don’t want to change states, but I am struggling here. Don’t like my options and feel like my hard work and schooling were such a WASTE when my options are the same as a teenager’s, and I am going to end up BABYSITTING.

I know a lot of people go through this after graduation, but one of the reasons I majored in education was because I wanted to do it and because YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING A JOB. There are no ‘what ifs’, you either teach or you don’t. And I don’t get to right now. I just feel like going in a different direction will lead to me never looking back at this profession.

I hate you California. For the first time in my life, I hate you.

Ready to share:

2011-01-07T00:22:00.001-08:00

Alright. Here is where I am at. My options are:

1). Sub and do odd jobs (tutor, nanny, teacher’s aide, Target, Starbucks).

2). Take the children’s ministries director position at my Uncle’s church. (It’s mine if I want it).

3). Move to Texas/Nevada for 2 years until the economy turns around.

Now number 1 sounds awesome except I would kind of be slacking off and I don’t want my resume to reflect the fact that I got a credential and then did odd jobs for a few years.

Number 2 is what everyone is telling me to do. I can stay where I am, do it for 2 or 3 years, and then teach. I would still be teaching children, but not in the classroom. It’s just not that easy. You don’t go into a MINISTRY position just because ‘it’s a job’. No. You have to be called and I am waiting for that. My mom keeps saying that this could be God’s way of providing for me until teaching turns around.

Number 3 has been on my heart more than I thought it would. I JUST moved and HATED IT (!!!!) so moving again sounds awful right NOW, but I do like the sound of starting a teaching career in the fall with a huge salary. What scares me is that I will build a life out there, maybe meet a guy, and then have to end up living in Texas…and I love California. It still seems exciting to me though. I don’t want to leave my life here though. I also don’t know anyone close enough for support and to do it all alone would be CRAZY.

It’s crazy to process all this and I am a mess trying to decide. Praying for God’s will and answers and peace all the time but still have no idea. I know it will come.

Update.

2010-12-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

I have taken a liking to Tumblr, ever since blogging about my student teaching experiences. Unfortunately, I am going to blog more over there now so feel free to join me. I am going to do my best to copy/paste my updates here still.

http://de-bored-ah.tumblr.com/

God will find a way

2010-12-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

...to speak to you. I recently went to youth convention in San Diego, with my current church. They really needed leaders and the only thing I was going to miss was Black Friday shopping, which let's be honest, student teaching doesn't provide any income so that would have been a waste of time.

I knew that I needed to hear God's voice that weekend, because I hadn't been on a retreat like that since like... HIGH SCHOOL. Wow. Phil Wickham was leading worship the entire weekend and I am a huge fan, so I knew this would be amazing. I didn't know how amazing though. I was so sick of going through life, not feeling like I was on fire for God. I went from church to church, missing my church back in Visalia, but knowing that it wasn't the same because what I was missing was being in a youth group, and I am an adult now (whether I choose to believe that or not). This weekend reminded me of how great Jesus' love is for us. I love feeling His presence in the room, and having speakers that are so grounded in the word that they can pick out verses that are so personally applicable to your life that you feel like he is directing the message at you.

Even though it was awesome, I now face the aftermath. The message focused on 'Being the Change' and affecting those in your everyday life so that you are making a difference for Jesus, not matter how small of a difference you are capable of. The decisions you make can affect others so dynamically, we can't even comprehend the affect we can have on people.

I always hate how everyone goes on church retreat, comes back on fire, and a month later life is the same. IT NEVER FAILS. However, this CHANGE is within our power. We have to fix our mentality as human beings to overpower the urge to return to our wordly, 'normal' lifestyle. Do we not realize that this is where we experience all of our pain and suffering? When we are not living for God? I realize it even when I am caught up in the world, yet it is still so hard to get in the right mindset.

Lately, I have been thinking about all my mistakes and how much my testimony has changed since senior year of high school. I am the kind of person that holds emotions inside, and most the time I can't even FEEL anything. It hurts more to lack emotions than to deal with them, in case you were wondering. So now, 3 years later, I am dealing with the effects of my decisions and how much I regret them. But this weekend showed me to focus on what I can do in the future, not what I have already done. I know the enemy wants me to focus on those things so that I feel weak and worthless, but I know He has enabled me for greater things.

That was what God did for me and I am going to do my best not to fall back into my normal, boring life. I was in charge of 3 amazing 6th grade girls that weekend who really blessed me. One would worship with her arms raised and would encourage the other two to join her. Their innocence is refreshing, as they are right before that age where temptation starts to control your life. The Wednesday after convention, one of them got up to share what God had done in her life that weekend, and I was just crying like a proud mom hahaha. It's great to feel this way again and it's even greater to see that others are feeling the same way.

I have a life outside student teaching, I promise.

2010-10-24T20:11:00.001-07:00

I need to try to keep this blog updated. I can't neglect it just because I have a separate blog about student teaching now!

Today I had to finish my online traffic school. I have my huge TPA 4 due Wednesday, and of course I waited for the last minute to do the traffic school as well. I make awesome choices. But in my defense, I am battling pneumonia, my grandpa's funeral was Friday, and extended family has been here since Thursday, so it was a little hard to say 'hey guys, I have a TPA to work on".

Anyways, I thought I would share some of the fun I had in traffic school!

My decision:

2010-09-01T17:31:00.001-07:00

So, all my avid readers (aka randoms that are browsing the web, or friends that stumble upon this months later) are probably dying to know what the 'big changes' are...

The anticipation must be killing you.

Well, I had a couple of options. Upon having so many crazy events happen to me this summer, and reflecting on other crazy events that have happened to me, that don't happen to most people, I became motivated to describe these events, one blog post at a time, and entertain people with the realness of my life.

Then student teaching became my life a lot faster than I had anticipated, and I decided I should blog about those experiences for sure, as I could reference the blog as a learning tool/look back into my life later on.

But the question was, do I blog about student teaching on my personal blog here? I have decided I will be starting a different blog, specifically for that. This way, whenever I have time (which, let's be honest, will be next year), I can turn this blog into the place where I share my crazy occurrences.

So without further adieu:

http://tiredstudentteacher.tumblr.com/

Coming Soon..

2010-08-20T16:39:00.002-07:00

I'll be back very soon and it will be very different around here...

brace yourself.

Days off work = productivity.

2010-06-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am only working TWO AND A HALF DAYS a WEEK which is basically causing me to go insane because it's summer and most my friends are not here. So on my days off, I strive to be productive. Doesn't usually work, but yesterday was a success. I:

made breakfast, tried to get the router set up for internet so we don't have to steal it anymore (I failed, but trying is still being productive), walked to Biola to be somewhat physically active, got my dad a Biola hat for father's day, went to the ATM, stopped by campus safety to visit my old job, walked/jogged back home, went through all my mail and paid bills and rsvp'ed to things, made lunch, unloaded all the dishes, took all the recycling from the last year at the house and broke my flip flop in the process causing me to look like a homeless girl while sorting my cans and bottles because I had to drag that sandal with me whenever I tried to move, went home and showered, talked to my cousin, talked to Abby, hung out with Emily who was visiting for the night, tried to fix the internet again (failed), ordered pizza, and watched a movie before bed.

and now I am really enjoying the new Kelly vlog:

Hardest Thing I've Ever Done.

2010-06-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

I knew this point would come.

I sit in my room with the door closed, listening to my new housemates laugh and talk out in the kitchen and I feel like I've hit rock bottom. When they were all making friends with each other, it was still too soon for me to make new friends while I was getting over all my best friends leaving. Now, I am the "older, quiet, housemate". Laughter is supposed to be an infectious sound, but it saddens me to hear that because it can never replace the laughter I used to have in this house.

Almost everyone I care about in the world has moved on to bigger and better things, and the majority of them, far away from here. I have no idea what is to look forward to. What will be my motivation? How am I supposed to look forward to student teaching when I am already sick of going to work everyday, coming home, eating, and going to my room.

A walk around Biola today only solidified the fact that this chapter in my life is now closed. I am not getting married, I don't have a significant other, the job market is awful, and my friends are far away from here.

I know God will bring new friends and plans into my life just like He has in the past, but this is almost unbearable. I will have to pray for motivation to continue on, but it's hard with no friends nearby to have heart to hearts with, to hang out with, to just fellowship with. It's not the same when they are miles and miles away, busy with their own thing, and only have the time to check in every once in awhile with a text or maybe a facebook message. It's not the same when they say "give me a call anytime, I'm here for you" because you don't want to be that person that has to call. You want someone that is already around.

If you are supposed to have 7 physical touches a day to be emotionally healthy, I am severely emotionally deprived and I don't know what to do about it.

Sometime Around Midnight.

2010-06-05T00:38:00.003-07:00

The song, "Sometime Around Midnight" by The Airborne Toxic Event, has been out a few years now I think. EVERY time I catch it on the radio though, I leave it on that station and I get so attached to it. This song conveys the most passion I have ever heard (and yes, this is coming from Kelly Clarkson's number one fan, and she is the queen of conveying her emotions through songs). I think almost everyone can relate to it, even if you haven't been in a relationship really. We all have had someone, or been interested in someone, where the feeling wasn't mutual or even worse, they knew you liked them and rubbed it in.

I have never felt enough affection for a person in a relationship to even begin to imagine how much this song COULD mean, but it still strikes a chord with me, evoking feeling from me that I only feel with a few other songs.

Even in high school, liking that boy that knew that you liked him still even after things were over between the two of you, but he would hang out with that other girl right in front of you, and make eye contact with you every once in awhile, just to make sure you were watching and hurting.

I am sure there are numerous more examples, but the part that gets me is when he is practically screaming "and then you walk, under the streetlights, and you're too drunk to notice that everyone's staring at you." The emotion in his voice during that part is unreal, you can almost immediately feel the pain of the situation, whichever one you connect to for this song.

This is the verse that gets me the most:

"and she leaves with someone you don't know,
but she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts.
and she walks out the door
your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes.
and your friends say 'what is it, it looks like you've seen a ghost...'
and you walk under the streetlights.
you're too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at you.
you don't care what you look like
the world is spinning around you.
you just have to see her.
you just have to see her.
you just have to see her.
you just have to see her.
you know that you're breaking in two."

The musical arrangement of this song is also pretty awesome. Great instruments and melodies.

Anyways, that's it. I heard that song about 3 times this week and got reminded each time how much emotion lies within it. I think I am terrified of when I am in that situation, coming from a real relationship, and THEN listening to this song. It just makes me realize how much things change once the person you are into, has been with someone else. I was watching the episode of Friends last night, where Ross and Rachel break up after Ross sleeps with another woman on the first night of their infamous "break". I have seen it so many times that I can quote the whole break up scene. But still, I can relate to her everytime I hear her tell Ross "you're a totally different person to me now."

This is really a random post but I do really like that song and what it means for me.

Graduation.

2010-05-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

The day is here. Tomorrow morning I walk across that stage and get my diploma. I can't even fathom it still. Biola is a closed chapter in my life (minus student teaching). My friends will move home, my housemates will move out and new ones will move in, and real life will begin.

I am excited and anxious for tomorrow but also really sad too. I can't wait to see everyone.

Mother's Day Weekend.

2010-05-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

3 weeks until graduation. This is getting hard for me. I am trying to savor it but it is so hard. I am really getting upset about the fact that the "best days of my life" are about to be behind me. What other time in my life will all my friends be around like this? We will all get real jobs and real lives and make new friends. All great things, but this chapter is closing, and that is hard for me.

Anyways, this weekend, I ate BBQ ribs every day (I. feel. disgusting.). Friday night was Biola's senior dinner. Got to sit with all my favorites. Saturday was Alex's bridal shower! Lindsey's was last weekend and they both were so fun. Can't wait to see those girls get marrried. Saturday night was the last college group hang out before graduation, where we played a hilarious game of fishbowl. Today was church and then I went to see my Grandma, Aunts, and Uncles, which was awesome. Then I went to Disneyland and spent some time with me cousins, which was so great too. I love family.

Now I am laying in bed, trying to process a lot of stuff. I hate how my emotions don't let me feel things until way later in life. One hint of that scent and I am dealing with things from 2 and a half years ago. Perfect timing. (sarcasm).

I think I am sick cause I am not feeling too hot. Dang. Almost made it the whole semester without being sick. This is a HUGE accomplishment seeing as how I spent every morning with Kindergartners this semester.

Anyways, it will be interesting/sad/bittersweet to see how these next 3 weeks go. God is so good to me though and I can't believe I got to spend 4 glorious years at Biola. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

SORRY BLOG.

2010-04-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am unfaithful to you. I will pay more attention now.

I am done with everything on my April list I think. Since my last post, I have decided to stay in the Poner house and fill it with new girls. I have given countless tours and have almost nailed everything down. So that is what consumes my time now.

I am very excited for summer. Just working and feeling free. I renewed my Dland pass and am ready to hang out there a lot. I also have a Universal pass I need to use too.

Graduation is rapidly approaching and I am very excited/stressed. Announcements are going out and the after party is being planned.

Every weekend is busy still...bridal showers, bachelorette parties, pool parties, senior dinners, and homework of course.

I just can't wait to hang out in my bed and watch movies, and not to have to worry about some project due!!!!!!

ps. I saw Conan O'Brien last night and my life is now complete. If only I could find his clone so I could marry him.

Safe in His arms.

2010-04-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

"those hands that made the whole world, are holding your heart. this is the promise He made, He will be with you always...'

"Safe in His Arms"-Phil Wickham

2 Months left.

2010-03-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I GRADUATE COLLEGE in two months.

I am stoked, but when I think about how much I have to do between now and then, I have a tiny heart attack. Finishing redoing TPA 1 this weekend, TPA 3 due April 23rd, and redoing TPA 2 SOMETIME.

Then there is all my other "regular" school work. I am also booked every weekend until graduation I believe.

April 2nd-8th-Minnesota with Jess, Abby, Bry for spring break.
April 9th-work campus safety.
April 10th-Taylor Swift concert in Fresno.
April 11th-Bry's lacrosse game in Santa Barbara on way back from Visalia.
April 16th-Jess' birthday.
April 17th-Lindy's wedding at home.
April 18th-celebrate my own birthday at home.
April 20th-my birthday.
April 23rd-25th-Visalia with Jess, Abby, and Bry for Bry's bday.
May 1st-Lindsey's lingerie party.
May 7th-Biola senior dinner?

After that, I know I have another wedding thing to attend, and my friends and I are going to Wango Tango so whenever that is...

Also I will be moving out of Poner House graduation weekend in May. Hopefully God has a great plan for me after that, I know He will, it's just hard not knowing now. It's also hard having to move graduation weekend when everyone is visiting me.

okay...off to work on homework I guess.

The House That Built Me

2010-02-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

I love this song so much. and Miranda Lambert. and I hope her and Kelly tour because they both love each other and it would be amazing.

"The House That Built Me"

I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these hand prints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From Better Homes and Garden magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won?t take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Jess and Abby, you are ordered to listen to this song. Both versions if you want, I can't decide whose I like better.

Playing Games

2010-02-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

I gotta stop. If I am even playing, that is.

I feel like lately I am one of those shake-up snow globes and every few days, someone shakes me and all my thoughts and feelings and desires are just everywhere and I don't know what to do.

and then I wake up and I am all settled...

until I get shaken again.

Music is therapy.

2010-01-25T12:24:00.001-08:00

I owe thanks to 2 of my favorite ARTISTS:

Kelly for covering this song so I was reintroduced to it, and Alanis for writing it.

Music is my life and this song speaks volumes, even Kelly's version which transitions into Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody."

I suggest you watch both performances.

These women are amazing.

When I Grow Up...

2010-01-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

I want to work in the music industry. NOT as a singer/performer, HA! Haven't played violin in a year which is depressing actually, and that is my only talent. But at a record label, or on a tour, or just ANYONE behind the scenes of the music industry. It fascinates me and I love it. Yes part of this has to do with my love for Kelly Clarkson, but honestly, she has opened me up to other performers I wouldn't necessarily appreciate without her approval. She has also allowed me enough of a look at the music scene and how it works and it is just something I would love to be a part of.

I had no idea how many aspects of the music industry had to come together to just promote an artist or to get a song on the radio until I started following Kelly SO closely, to realize how many factors are dealt with. I love trying to guess which songs on the radio will be successful. I love seeing how label and management promotion help an album or single to succeed. I would LOVE to be involved with some sort of art design/stylist assistance to an artist, to fit certain themes for certain moods or performances they are shooting for, whether it's a photoshoot or a special performance of a song.

It has been made apparent to me that my heart is just not in teaching, obviously, since I just majored in it since I had nothing else to major in. I love kids and will always have a PASSION for kids, it's just teaching does not bring out the best in me. And at this time in the world, especially the state of California, there are just so many negative things that one has to consider before attempting a career in education. It's so political now and the schools are in such horrible shape. One may say that's why they need great teachers all the more, however, I think there are way better prospective teachers out there, a lot of them are my peers, that would do a better job than I would.

When I think about teaching, I automatically think "ugh how long am I going to be able to HANDLE that?"

When I think about a career in the music industry, I automatically think "how long would I GET to do that?!"

I know the whole music industry thing isn't practical or realistic. People always ask if you could do one thing for the rest of your life and be happy with your job, what would it be? Easily, if I had the right job in the music industry, it would be that. However, I realize I am being very naive, as I do not honestly realize how the job WOULD be. I am sure there are aspects of it I would not like and you never know anything until you try it really, but that is what excites me.

So as they taught me in elementary school, I want to "dream big" and "shoot for the stars" and maybe my dream can come true someday.

Except I have no idea where to even start. This is where prayer comes in to play, especially with graduation rapidly approaching on May 29th.

Catching Up

2010-01-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

Never blogged after the New Year with my favorite tv shows of the decade. Sorry. I am just going to list a few.

FRIENDS. best.show.ever.
Gilmore Girls. disgusting that Lauren Graham never got a golden globe or emmy for this.
Arrested Development.
The Office.
Psych.
30 Rock.
Gossip Girl. (not proud of these, just saying what I think will be remembered).

Ok moving on.

Let's talk about boys.

Haven't had the best luck. Actually have had horrible luck and one horrible uh, 'relationship,' if you will. And only creepers continue to like me. Seriously. I have facebook stalkers who just can't seem to get the message. Why don't the boys I like ever like me? Why do only WEIRD guys on the internet like me?

I guess I appear very shy in real life. or boring.

All I know is I've been kinda sick of being single lately but I also know it's all in God's time and I have to be patient. My mom didn't get married til she was 34 though and I don't know how I could make it that long. She also had tons of boyfriends and had dated a lot by my age.

This is probably the stupidest blog I've ever written. Haha. My housemates said if I cut my hair they will get me an eHarmony account.

Maybe it will be better than the creepy internet stalkers?

hahahahahhahahha. I'm out.

A New Decade

2010-01-01T12:24:00.001-08:00

While I am in Oklahoma, I am making "Best of the Decade" lists...

So today are the top songs of the decade that I could think of off the top of my head (aka ones that will probably always be around/remembered/played).

Top Songs of the Decade:

Since U Been Gone-Kelly Clarkson
Clocks-Coldplay
Oops, I Did It Again-Britney Spears
Music-Madonna
Lady Marmalade-Christina, Lil Kim, P!nk, Mya
Crazy In Love-Beyonce feat. Jay Z
Bad Romance-Lady Gaga (she has tons of others but this is the best one)
Vertigo-U2
Gold Digger-Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx
In Da Club-50 Cent
Umbrella-Rihanna
Before He Cheats-Carrie Underwood
Boulevard of Broken Dreams-Green Day
Stronger-Kanye West
Mr. Brightside-The Killers
Crazy-Gnarls Barkley
Love Story-Taylor Swift
Your Body Is A Wonderland-John Mayer
Party in the USA-Miley Cyrus
Sexy Back-Justin Timberlake
Mai A Hee (Numa Song)-O Zone
U and Ur Hand-P!nk (probably not the best choice, but that's my favorite)
She Will Be Loved-Maroon 5
Complicated-Avril Lavigne
Hollaback Girl-Gwen Stefani
What Hurts The Most-Rascal Flatts
Fallin-Alicia Keys
Apologize-OneRepublic
We Belong Together-Mariah Carey
Yeah-Usher, Lil Jon, Ludacris
Goodbye To You-Michelle Branch
Ocean Avenue-Yellowcard
Fergilicious-Fergie (and Will.I.Am)
Hey Ya!-Outkast
Let's Get It Started-Black Eyed Peas
Lose Yourself-Eminem
Hot In Here-Nelly
Run It-Chris Brown
Promiscuous-Nelly Furtado feat. Timberland
The Way I Are-Timberland
Get Low-Lil Jon
Drop It Like It's Hot-Snoop Dogg
Bad Day-Daniel Powter (this song wouldn't go away)
Home-Daughtry
Meant To Live-Switchfoot
How To Save A Life-The Fray
Unwell-Matchbox Twenty
Here Without You-Three Doors Down
Ignition-R.Kelly
Bubbly-Colbie Caillat (another song that just wouldn't die)
My Humps-Black Eyed Peas (unfortunately)
You're Beautiful-James Blunt (most.overplayed.ever.)
Hey There Delilah-Plain White T's.

Alright. I forgot a ton, but I tried to remember most of the music I heard, from my 6th grade graduation, to now.

TV Shows are next.

Happy 2010!

2009-12-31T12:12:00.000-08:00

Sitting here in the hotel room in Oklahoma. I walked to a McDonalds today and it was surreal. All white people working there, most had missing teeth, and I was the one with an accent?! Also they just STARED at me like I was a celebrity. I was wearing a black coat, jeans, and boots. I need to go back to California. Can't believe I am spending my New Years Eve in a hotel room.

First of all 2009 was amazing. I am going to try to recap month by month.

January: What I thought would be a super boring interterm, turned out to be an awesome everyday hang out in the dorm with my RA who ended up being my housemate and an awesome friend. Also Kelly's new single came out and made history by going from 97 to number 1.

February: I got an awesome surprise when my favorite Oregonian, Maddie, got to make a surprise visit to California for her 21st birthday. We went to Disneyland, took her Chick-Fil-A virginity, and she ordered her first drinks at BJ's while all of us Biolans watched.

March: I was freaking out about housing at this time because my then roommate was supposed to be graduating (wow, that is a different story now), and I had NO ONE to live with for senior year. Then plans were made to live in a house with some awesome people, and I had never been happier. Also Kelly's new cd came out this month, and I bought it opening night.

April: Had an interview with Campus Safety...obviously after many more interviews, they decided I was the one they wanted and I work there now. Not very much because I like my other job better, but somehow they still keep me around. Also I turned 21 this month but it wasn't that great.

May: WANGO TANGO! Bry, Abby, and I went and saw many acts, including Flo Rida, Soulja Boy, All American Rejects, Jamie Foxx, Black Eyed Peas, Pitbull, Lady Gaga, and KELLY! It was so awesome that we promised to go again next year even though Kelly won't be there. Seriously, it was just 6 hours of non stop fun and surprise guests. The surprise guests we saw were like all of my favorite people, and I flipped out everytime: SHAWN JOHNSON, cast of SECRET LIFE, cast of THE HILLS....ah best day ever. Also this month, during finals time, my sister broke down in LA, my roommate totaled her car in a huge accident, and I had to move out of my dorm in 3 hours (locked myself out of my car while doing so and they were in the bathroom the whole time).

June: Officially moved into the Poner house. We went line dancing at a place called InCahoots. Haha. probably one of the funniest nights out ever. I also started working at Campus Safety and decided I didn't like it that much. I also got a raise at my other job so I worked there instead. Also this month, a guy I dated decided we would be great if we got back together. I didn't take him up on his offer, but I did get some free seasons of Arrested Development out of that.

July: Saw Kelly from the closest seats I had had at that point. It was so amazing for me. Also went to the OC fair. Also had a white trash 4th of July party at the house. Also got a new camera which I still adore. Also the church I had been attending disbanded and I still miss seeing those guys every week.

August: Visited Maddie and her family for 10 days in Portland! Then went to Disneyland and Catalina for my mom's birthday. Started school.

September: Ditched my stupid PC and bought a Mac and have been pretty happy. Also got to take some of my favorite friends to a free Kelly concert in Hollywood and it was soooo fun. Also saw Britney Spears and Jordin Sparks at the Staples Center. Pretty awesome, but I just realized I am spoiled because I see Kelly so much that when I see other acts, it just does not compare. I also recognized another Kelly fan at the mall and 2 of my housemates decided this was too much and I had to go 9 days without ANY Kelly. It was difficult, but hilarious. I had to write an essay too.

October: One of my best friends Ashley came to visit me here at school. My awesome, super-fit friends, Jess and Abby, ran a half marathon.

November: Went to Vegas to see Kelly. Abby turned 21. Thanksgiving with my mom's side in Palm Springs. Bridgette turned 20.

December: Saw Kelly from 3rd row in Fresno with my mom. She loved it. I loved it. It was awesome. She sang my all time favorite song that she never sings, ONLY AT THE FRESNO SHOW. I still get goosebumps thinking about how lucky I am that she sang that at that show. Finished up crazy finals and the fall semester. My cousins celebrated first birthdays and a 3rd birthday and I can't get enough of them. Saw my dad, had a good Christmas, and am now in Oklahoma.

Hopefully 2010 is just as good, but it will be hard to top this year. I can't believe the year of my college graduation is finally here. In high school, this year seemed a decade away.

Stay tuned for my best moments of the decade post.

Thankful

2009-12-14T13:38:00.000-08:00

That there are people left in the music industry with morals and credibility. And who thank God in each of their albums...I love to see how this individual started out and never lost sight of what is important.

"First and foremost, I want to thank God. This past year has been such a blessing and I haven't taken one thing for granted. I am thankful every day, not just for the past year, but also for my family, friends and life." Thankful. April 2003.

"God, you are so gracious and giving, there are no words to describe my love and passion for you. These past couple of years have been a bit hard and so crazy and I thank You for being with me and teaching me to just let things go and give them up to you.. because no matter how strong I think I am, I CANNOT do anything without you." Breakaway. November 2004.

"First, I want to thank God, Jesus and whatever force has been keeping me sane in this crazy world. I know you're up there and on my side and there have been times when I know that's the only thing that is keeping me going..." My December. June 2007.

"Thank You God for every breath, every miracle, and every gift you have given me when I am so undeserving. At the end of the day, we might not be perfect, we might not always win, and we might screw up big time...but we are here and here for the right reasons, and that's what counts." All I Ever Wanted. March 2009.

That is probably the biggest reason why I look up to her. She inspires me to be better and she is way out of her time in today's music. Can't wait to see what she does when she leaves her record label.

Merry Christmas.

She recorded that for her mom for Christmas.

Brandi Carlile

2009-12-08T00:05:00.000-08:00

is amazing. (I know huh, I actually like other artists besides Kelly. If only you knew how into music I was...)

I love, love, love Brandi's voice and her songs. And I can't stop listening to this one. It's called "My Song."

Everything I do surrounds these pieces of my life that often change
Or maybe I've changed
Sometimes seeming happy can be self destructive even when you're sane
Or only insane
But don't bother waking me today

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung...
But this is my song
It is my song

Now I live every day like there will never be a last one till they're gone
And they're gone
I'm too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time
So you can come and get it from now on

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung...
But this is my song
It is my song

And it's you
It is you

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
I'm not sure I can take it
I'm nothing strong to hold to
I'll wait to only hate you
My mind is full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung
But this is my song

Failure.

2009-12-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

I didn't pass either of my TPAs. I feel like this is the only place I can say it since I am embarrassed to put it on Facebook, or to keep annoying people on Twitter with it.

Now I know what it feels like to feel like an idiot. I think I am the only one in the program who failed both.

This makes me not want to teach. at all.

I have no emotions left about this matter.

Someone please tell me

2009-12-03T01:12:00.000-08:00

how the Grammy nominees for best pop VOCAL PERFORMANCE include You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift), Hot N Cold (Katy Perry) and HALO by Beyonce?!

My point being, how could you nominate crap songs (vocally) like the first two. Then how could you nominate HALO and NOT Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson? They are the same back track and vocally, Kelly delivers more than any of those nominees!

Second, it sickens me that Halo is also nominated for Record of the Year. It's upsetting because Kelly suffers and is punished for all this, and she had the song first, and Beyonce rushed to release hers first. Beyonce, you have Single Ladies. Were you worried you wouldn't have enough hits? People in this industry work their butt off to put out quality music which they WRITE (cough, Kelly and not Beyonce, cough) and then this happens. The music industry is not about music at all anymore. It's about image, appeal, sexuality, and bubble gum hooks in songs.

It's sad that even the Grammy's are based on popularity and airplay now.

The good and fantastic news is the nominees for Pop Vocal Album are:

The Black Eyed Peas, The E.N.D.
Colbie Caillat, Breakthrough
Kelly Clarkson, All I Ever Wanted
The Fray, The Fray
Pink, Funhouse

sorry, but Pink is Kelly's only legitimate competition. If you have heard her whole record, you understand why. Kelly kills it on every song and the songs are all so different. Pink's album is great too. Sorry Colbie, Fergie (let's face it, she's the only reason the BEP are in this category), and The Fray. I think my girl Kelly might just be walking away with her 3rd Grammy.

Here I am...

2009-11-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

once again...

torn into pieces....

hahaha kidding. Couldn't resist quoting a KC song there.

more like, "here i am, once again, bored out of my mind, can't deny it, can't pretend, just thought this would be fun, i'm so bored, deep inside, but you'll never get to see the tears I cry....behind these glazed over eyes..."

I always write when I find something really cool, do something really cool, or am avoiding something not so cool. Definitely avoiding a lot of homework right now.

Good news is both TPA's are done. Went to Vegas successfully to see Kelly Clarkson and didn't break contract of course. IT WAS AWESOME. Don't ask me how many times this year alone even I have seen her. It's embarrassing. But that's my hobby ok? We did a bunch of free stuff in Vegas, it was so fun. I woke up the day after though with cigarette smell in my hair and a techno beat in my head and didn't even DO anything haha.

My sister turned 20 (geeze) and came to visit this weekend. We went to Disneyland. One of the best times at Disneyland I've had in awhile just because we did a lot of fun stuff and had fun people. I love Christmas at Disneyland with the fireworks and fake snow... so romantic hahahaha. Her car broke down though which caused stress and my mom had to drive down and take care of it. But oh well.

All I wanna do all day is watch ALL the tv shows I've been missing, download tons of music, organize my media on my computer and work on new video projects for fun. And that is what I plan to do Christmas break.

I had to buy a small heater because my room is kinda like a laundry room (door to the outside, tile floor, random sink) and is FREEZING. I will literally pass away this winter I think. So nice knowing you all. I hate the cold. Love the fashion, hate the cold. Hate it.

Here are my thoughts about Taylor Swift right now: too much too soon too young. She's only 19 and has won almost all the awards possible (especially the huge Entertainer of the Year). What's left? You've been around a couple years and done it all? That kinda sucks. Nothing to look forward to. Also she should not have won female vocalist at the CMAS. Entertainer, yes. But vocalist over Faith, Reba, Martina, and Carrie? Noooo way. Sorry hon, you can't even vibrato....now if it were a writer's award, then you should win no doubt.

Here are my thoughts on Rihanna right now. Way to go for speaking up about the violence. Way NOT to go for having new crap songs that are getting so much airplay it's ridiculous. A song about "pulling the trigger"...honestly...what a message. Crap music. But seriously, way to go for finally coming out and speaking about Chris Brown. What he did was unacceptable for the example he sets and he is lucky if he continues to have a career.

Speaking of airplay, I hate the radio down here. They play the SAME songs over and over and over. They won't play Kelly's new ballad Already Gone, but they will play Beyonce's Halo like it just came out (they have the same back tracking in the song so my point is that if they play one they should play the other). Honestly, I really keep getting disgusted lately that because of the media's perception of Kelly's image, they want nothing to do with her. Also, Kelly was nominated for artist of the decade, along with some others, for Rolling Stone's Artist of the Decade. Huge honor. And fitting too since she started the whole American Idol thing and entered the scene the beginning of this decade. So some guy writes on my facebook that it's DISGUSTING that she was nominated. Why? Why? because she isn't "hot" to you? She is an artist just like every other nominee. The shallowness of men shows when they make comments like that. He then said the only one worthy of their nominations were Beyonce, U2 and Coldplay. Well great, that's your opinion, but who are you to say it's DISGUSTING that a singer was nominated. I don't see why she's not worthy. I never got his reason why, but I bet it's because he knows nothing about her (probably only thinks of her radio hits and pop image back in the day) and thinks she's just another Idol winner that hasn't made her own way. People need to research. I don't write this post because it's about Kelly. I write this because it is an example of people making judgments when they have no prior knowledge. Especially such harsh judgments as the word 'disgusting'. You better be able to back up that opinion because I am sick of it and society's unreasonable demands. So many times I feel like I can't keep up with what I should look like. "need to work out, shouldn't eat that, get up earlier and put on make up". And then I realize, I am fine with how I look. This is how God made me. I shouldn't have to work extra extra hard to try to be a size 4. So when people say things such as 'disgusting' about a woman who is completely normal and has to deal with that in the public eye, then I am going to feel that I am just as disgusting since most of the time I am too lazy to try at all. So keep that in mind if that boy happens to stumble upon my blog (doubt it) hahaha.

That made me feel a LITTLE better.

My feelings exactly.

2009-11-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

So as most of you know, I live for Kelly Clarkson like there is no tomorrow. Love her. This makes me naturally have somewhat of a dislike for Carrie Underwood, as many will argue she is more successful (simply not true, only in few areas, but overall no way). Don't get me wrong. I own all Carrie's cd's and know all of her songs, because she is dang good. But I still can't get to liking her. I feel like every song starts to sound the same, and she sings whatever the label wants her to (which is why every song is a huge hit). Anyways, I was reading the amazingly talented Ashley Arrison's blog last night (who just so happens to be the special someone of Kelly's band members), and her thoughts were exactly what I felt. So here it is:

So I just heard Carrie Underwood’s new single “Cowboy Casanova” (which she co-wrote.) I will preface saying I’m not a Carrie hater. I think her voice is amazing and she nails it live. But I am always so disappointed… Because I just don’t get her. I don’t understand who she is by her songs. Is she a crazy ex girlfriend who bashes trucks? Or she is a Jesus loving single mom who is driving on some icy roads? Or maybe an All American Girl? There is no continuity. And while she sings the piss fire out of those songs (she does do that Martina McBride constant wailing thing too much for me), I just don’t believe her. There is this lack of heartbreak or vulnerability or soul. I don’t connect with her on any level.

Exactly. I like to know who artists ARE. If they just go out and sing songs, sure I like them, but I can't get into them. Some of my favorites are like that. Carrie of course, Britney (her thing is definitely slutty, but her stuff is catchy and I listen to it a lot), Rihanna...

Anyways, that's it for today.

Life

2009-10-25T23:25:00.001-07:00

so busy. moving so fast. my days usually go like this:

chapels, class, meals, work, homework, sleep, maybe work out but usually not.

I have 2 TPAs due in a week and a half. Most of you do not know what that is. As an education major, I have to complete a thing called a 'teacher performance assessment' and they are really long assessments pretty much, with tons of questions on how to get content across in the classroom when different factors are brought into consideration. I have started on one, but it is still very stressful to know that 2 are due, along with my regular school work. I have to be more disciplined but it's hard when "I can't focus until my Itunes is organized correctly" or "Well, I can't do my homework until I do my laundry". So dumb.

This past weekend my family was visiting, checking out Point Loma for my sister. So I had dinner with them and stayed with the in the hotel. My mom and I are going to see Kelly Clarkson 3rd row in Fresno, December 1st, so we talked about that a lot. I actually have a lot coming up:

Next weekend is Halloween. Not doing ANYTHING (kinda disappointed because I always wanted to do SOMETHING for Halloween while I was in college). Oh well, my friends are coming over to watch a few scary movies that night. I also will be finishing one of those dreaded TPA's that weekend.

Weekend after that I am going to VEGAS to see Kelly at the Hard Rock Cafe with 2 of my closest friends.

Weekend after that is my sisters birthday and she wants to come down to Disneyland so she can get her pass for cheaper on her birthday. She also wants to go to a TV Taping but I said only one thing. Also we get to meet up with my old church friends there too so I am super excited since I haven't seen them since I changed churches.

Then it's Thanksgiving. I will be spending it with my mom, sister, and my cousins in the Riverside area who have 2 young kids. So should be fun, never had Thanksgiving with them before. I always have it with my dad's side. For Christmas though, my dad is coming (first time I've seen him in over a year and a half) so we will be with his side which is always fun. Then the 30th, my mom, sister, and i fly out to Oklahoma to do things with my mom's side. I am sad I am missing New Years though since I always spend it in Visalia with the Rodriguez's, since laura's birthday is on the 31st. Our tradition of building a fort and living in it for 3 days NEVER gets old.

Finally after all that, I return to California on January 6th, and it's back to work I go. Then I will be starting my last semester of school. For now at least.

Biola had it's annual Torrey Conference this past week. No classes because we have to go to sessions instead. It started off bad (usually does) and by the night sessions, I was so into it. Great speakers that set my heart on fire for God. I love looking around and thinking "this is my school...I love Biola." Francis Chan closed the conference Friday morning and man, is he amazing. Go listen to his stuff on youtube. He tells it like it is. I can't get enough.

Well, that should hold you over for a few more months hahaha.

Freedom.

2009-10-07T21:49:00.000-07:00

My punishment is over in the morning.

It was very difficult.

I need a life. Maybe if I had a boyfriend I would ditch this hobby.

Okay who am I kidding.

Other than that I guess everything is normal. Car got fixed (was only something stuck in the AC so no big bill, God is amazing as I write this from my new Mac), car got ridiculously clean due to the car wash workers incompetence in distinguishing 'seats' from 'carpet'.

I've had soooo much school work and looking at my planner for the weeks ahead just stresses me out. I just started in my first grade classroom this week too so I'll be in there twice a week. It's been good so far.

My good friend Ashley of 9 years is coming down to visit me this weekend. Should be fun. I think all the people in my life are awesome and have been constantly reminded of that lately. My Biola friends, my Visalia friends, my church friends, my housemates, my boss, my mom (most the time...we have gotten a lot better now that I am really on my own).

Ok...see ya...

Punished.

2009-09-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am being punished by 2 of my housemates. My punishment is absolutely no Kelly Clarkson for nine days. I had to turn in my posters, ALL cds (even burned ones, which is all that plays in my car), my dvd, and my lifesize cutout of her. I am not allowed to listen to her song, talk about her at all, read anything about her online, and if I hear her in a store, or someone talks to me about her, I simply have to walk away (Walk Away…haha).

What did I do to deserve this you may ask? Well, my housemate Lindsey and I went to the Brea Mall to go to H&M. As she was checking out, there was a (gay) boy ringing us up. I recognized him and I knew what I was about to do would be epic. So I tapped Lindsey, raised my eyebrows, and said: “watch this…”. She gave me the most confused look, not knowing WHAT I was going to do, since I am usually the shyest, most awkward person around others. This is what took place next:

Me: “is your name Tyler ?”
Tyler: “yes, how did you know?! I don’t even have my nametag on!”
Me: “Haha, do you like Kelly Clarkson?”
Tyler: “ummm YES. Like borderline OBSESSED! My friends make fun of me! How did you know?!”
Me: “I’ve seen you at some concerts and on the online message boards!”
:::WE HIGH FIVE:::
Tyler: “No way that’s awesome! What concerts?!”
Me: “Wango Tango in Irvine , Costa Mesa …”
Tyler: “No way! Did you go to San Diego too?!”
Me: “No, just Costa Mesa…”
Tyler: “OMG, the San Diego show was AWESOME, they let us run to the front row at the end!”
Me: “NO WAY!”
Tyler: “Yeah! Are you going to Vegas in the fall, I just booked my hotel! I’m so excited”
Me: “No, I was going to but I am just going to Fresno instead. We just went to the free LA concert last week for Jimmy Kimmel.”
Tyler: “NO WAY, I was there too!”
Me: “Awesome! You got to meet her at Wango Tango right??”
Tyler: “yes, oh my gosh I was so nervous. Isn’t she the best though?”
Me: “yes, I am so jealous!”
Tyler: “What’s your username on the fanclub?”
Me: “Deeeeeb, but I don’t post, I just read haha. So you work here?”
Tyler: “Yeah for like a month now.”
Me: “Awesome, well nice meeting you!”

Me: “Ahhhhhhhhhhh, hahahahahha, can you believe this?!”
Lindsey: “No Deb. Find a ride home.”

So since I embarrassed her, she and Delia came up with a punishment: 9 days no Kelly, because that’s how many times she wanted to kill herself when she was standing there with me.

It’s day 4 and has been hard because of Grammy submissions being made, and her first fall tour show tonight…

Thursday, when my punishment is up, they are letting me watch the View, since Kelly will be on. But I have to say how great Carrie Underwood is during the commercials…which is hard for me.

Anyways, I’m leaving the country because it’s so hard. Just kidding, I am going on a missions trip to Mexico today through Sunday, so I wouldn’t be able to be tempted anyways.
This 9 days will be good for me. But this is possibly the funniest story of all time.

Life's hard.

2009-09-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

Picture this: I am about to buy a Macbook Pro (comes with a free Ipod touch!!!!!) and am on the phone with my mother because I am unsure if I am making a wise decision with such a big purchase. But after reliving the moment of when my PC turned itself off and died for an hour earlier that day, I decided if I don't get a reliable computer now with leftover student aid money, I would not be getting one for a very long time since graduation isn't too promising.

However, before I purchase it, I say to my mother "As soon as I get this Mac though, something is going to go wrong with my car". My mom says "You don't know that, you're being ridiculous".

Am I? AM I?! Because I seem to remember things I say coming true a lot.
(I've been driving for a year now, and never been in an accident! ::gets in accident the next day::).
(just bought my car, had dark window tint on the front windows, I told everyone 'ya I have illegal tinting, I am gonna get a ticket probably'. ::gets ticket next week::).
(doesn't feel well after having strep twice in 2 months "I probably have strep again". ::goes to health center, strep test comes back positive even though I felt no symptoms in my throat::).

Anyways, as proved above, I know my luck. Last Wednesday my car started making a rattling, broken sound. After a few days of playing with it, I figured out it was only when the AC was on, thus my AC pump/compressor was on it's way out. My boss called his auto shop and they said about $700-$800 to fix it. Oh that's nice! Let me pull some money out of my butt.

I am going home Friday to get it fixed at my place back home (they know my car's history). However, I am very very very devastated at the thought of shipping my mac back when I haven't even opened it yet. I even had the ipod engraved. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I guess God could be telling me that I shouldn't have bought a computer but I really can't use this one much longer.

Most college students would have parents helping them out in a situation like that. My parents help with nothing. My dad just sent me $100 for the first time in 3 years, thinking he was being generous. My mom doesn't have it, and if she did she wouldn't give it to me considering I have to pay for my own meals when I go home. So I will probably end up turning to one of my student loans to get it fixed.

I'm just really sad. I also love that car and don't understand how the AC could go out like that. I hardly ever use it, I'm always colder than anyone else. It has 46,000 miles on it and is 5 years old. Also my bumper seems to be falling off since someone decided to hit me.

I feel a lot like my car lately. Trying to hold it together to make it through.

In good news though, I had my graduation pictures taken today. That felt weird. I also get to go home this weekend and see one of my best friends for the first time in months and celebrate her 21st birthday a little late.

Oh and I'm going to see Britney Spears tomorrow night :) Jordin Sparks is opening. I can't decide who I am more excited to see...

Emotions.

2009-09-17T00:48:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time with emotions. Sometimes people say I'm stone cold. I never cry at the movies my friends do. When my sister was lying unconscious in a hospital bed, losing tons of blood, my mom was a wreck and asked me how I could be so calm. I remember just looking back at her, with no words. I never cried, I figured I would deal with stuff as it happened to me. When my mom told me my dad and her were splitting, I just rolled over and went to sleep. When my grandma died senior year of high school, I got up and went to school just like any other day, while my mom and sister grieved at home. They always ask me 'don't you have any emotions, deborah?'.

well I do, I guess I just never know how to use them. I don't know why this is, I guess I don't like showing vulnerability. I never talked my way through hard times in the past and I feel like this is the result. I also get in trouble at home for letting my emotions sit inside me and then blowing up.

anyways, I have a point to this post, I swear I am not just being emo (haha as this whole blog describes why I CAN'T deal with 'emo'tions).

I have been having so many doubts the past months as to why I am an education major. Biola actually made a mistake and put me down as a teaching major and I just never changed it. I didn't know what I wanted to do anyway and I figured this is the only thing I could do probably. So recently I have been dealing with the effects that I am just a teaching major because I didn't have anything else I could do. I listen to the other people in my major talking about how 'teaching is such a calling' and 'God called me to do this specifically', and I always think 'wow I am just doing this because I have no clue what else to do'. So that has been tough and sometimes I would be really into teaching, and other times I would literally be googling masters programs in different areas that I could look into after I graduated.

Anyways, the other night in my 'Methods of Teaching the Linguistically Diverse' class, my professor opened with a story about a teacher who hated a little boy in her second grade classroom. He smelled, he wasn't smart, and had no friends. She wanted to like this boy but couldn't bring herself to do it: she just didn't like him and made no effort to help him either. She would write 'poor work, better luck next time' on most his work. Anyways, she looked in his file and saw that his mother died of cancer recently and his father showed no interest in the boy. At Christmas time, the boy gave her a tacky bracelet and a half full bottle of perfume. All the kids laughed because the gift was so cheap, and clearly from home. The teacher thanked the boy, put the perfume on, as well as the bracelet. When class let out that day, the boy went up to the teacher's desk and said 'you smell just like my mom did now. and her bracelet looks great on you.' The teacher cried and cried because she realized this boy loved her, and she didn't like him all this time and made no effort on his behalf. From then on she spent days after school with him, helping him with his work. He went from failing to passing. She received a letter from him years later, saying he was graduating high school third in his class. Four years later she received a letter saying he was graduating college second in his class. And after that, another letter saying he is now officially a Doctor, and is getting married in the spring.' The teacher attended the wedding and has never been prouder of anyone.

As I read that story, tears streamed down my face. I realized I do have a soul, and I do care about children. I want to be that person for that boy. I realized God must have put me in this major for a reason, even if somedays I cringe at the thought of being in front of a classroom. I will always remember this story and hopefully will stop changing my mind so much.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.

2009-09-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

I really am going to try to start blogging regularly. I remember how it feels when I want people to blog and I keep checking and they never do...so I won't do that to you.

I left off with Kelly Clarkson in July. First of all, amazing. Closest seats I've had so far. Such a great night for me, she was so good vocally that night. More Kelly news is that Monday I am going with some of my closest friends to see her for free in Hollywood!!!!!!!! I am so stoked, I thought I was going to have to wait until December 1st (Fresno concert) to see her again, and everyone knows I hate waiting.

Then I spent 10 days in Portland visiting the Gremauxs, and it was awesome like always. Then right after Oregon was Disneyland and Catalina for my mom's birthday. I was exhausted. Also everything went wrong that weekend. Here are some examples:

Couldn't find our hotel. Went to dinner at Ihop but our cousin Crissy and her kids couldn't meet us in time so we had a big table for nothing. Woke up super early for disneyland (that means headache for me). Then my mom couldn't find our tickets and everything for Catalina so she is now convinced someone broke in our car and stole them. My sister and I are trying to convince her no one would break in just for those. She ended up finding them at the end of the day though but it caused a lot of fighting. My sister's debit card didn't work so I had to pay for her to get in (our pass had it blocked for the day we were there). My mom got a wheelchair since she had foot surgery but we kept hitting people with it accidently. Couldn't find anywhere to eat so ended up eating McDonalds at 11:30 at night. We drive all the way to Long Beach when my mom goes 'oh I forgot my purse back at McDonalds in Anaheim'. Drive all the way back to get it. It's 1:30am when we go to bed. Had to get up at 7:30 to catch the boat to Catalina. Felt sick on the way there. When we got there, the place we were supposed to eat lunch at wasn't open yet and we were supposed to catch a glass bottom boat ride very soon. Had to eat our lunch very fast and then get on another nauseating boat. Then took a tour of the island in a huge converted horse trailer or something, and it was super scary and close to the edge of the roads. Everyone was screaming like we were on a ride and I just kept screaming for my life, yelling THIS IS REAL LIFE, REAL LIFE!!! Then we finally go back and just wait for the boat since we were so tired. We get back to Long Beach and want chinese food but don't have internet so we had to go to the lobby and look it up. Found a place we liked but when we find it IT'S OUT OF BUSINESS. So we find this other hole in the wall chinese place. Then the next day we had to find a mattress for me and of course, more places we looked up ending up being out of business when we showed up. So there are some examples.

Anyways, started school though and it's hard. 18 units, 2 jobs, 35 hours in a first grade classroom, and keeping up with errands and chores. But I love all the people in my life and it's been great having out of state friends back at school. I also am excited about the art class I am in this semester. I am rethinking teaching lately and maybe going into some music business type thing but I am not being very practical. I just want a job that I will love.

Finally, I have had it with my toshiba laptop. I bought a Macbook Pro, with a free ipod touch. I am beyond excited. I had the Ipod engraved pretty awesome but I will show you when I get it. Also the Ipod touch will solve my problem of always needing to google directions and stores when I am out. I will never need gps! This is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok guess that's it.

ok ok ok ok ok ok OKAY

2009-07-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

2 days til my 5th Kelly Clarkson concert. I don't care what you say, the reason why I keep going is because it gets BETTER every time!

also because I have never sat as close as 5th row, I have always been way up, far away.

ok so I am a little excited.

but I got majorly bummed today because her management team is going through hard economic times and no one has been running her fan club website, therefore, there were no meet and greets set up for this concert. and THEN they issue a statement saying they will get it fixed but that the Orange County show will not have meet and greets. JUST MY LUCK THE ONLY SHOW WITHOUT EM IS MINE. seriously, i hate my luck. I had a feeling since it is a smaller concert at the fair that I would have the best chance and winning one this time, but guess not. I will wait til the huge All I Ever Wanted tour in the fall.

also, I miss having a church. I also miss GCC and being in a youth/college group. I loved them but now I hardly know a lot of them because I am never home anymore. I will always have my unforgettable memories though I guess.

live and let dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahaha I wanna karaoke that.

oh yeah, we got karaoke at our house so that's prolly why I said that. it is the best entertainment.

1 week

2009-07-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

until Kelly. That is all that is getting me through these days...

My mom and I are having our differences as usual and I am just feeling like everything I say to her she turns back on me. It sucks. I told her I was really lonely and felt that the people I thought were my close friends were not that close anymore and she just said that I make people feel sorry for myself by blowing things out of proportion. So that helped.

I also determined today, after a week of watching my diet, that I am most likely lactose intolerant. I can't even talk about it I am so upset. Cheese is literally, my favorite food. That is like taking away Kelly Clarkson from me too.

I have been thinking a lot in all the alone time I have had lately because of my lack of social life, and I can't believe how much I have changed. From high school, from last year...it blows my mind. I don't know if I am the person I want to be. I think I have given into a lot. I used to be one of the 4.0 kids in high school and now I do as little as I can to get by in a class. I used to play violin because it was something I was so good at and now what am I doing? I don't even play anymore when that was supposed to be my career. It was the only thing I was ever good at, I was mediocre at the rest. I guess it's never too late to get back into music but I have lost a good year and in violin, that is not good.

I also have been thinking about careers. I graduate in less than a year (unreal to me) and I don't really want to teach with a multiple subject credential. I don't see myself excelling teaching younger children multiple things in one classroom. I have always seen myself with the older kids, in high school, probably math. But I could never major in a single subject like that cause I don't excel enough in a single subject. So that leaves me with getting a masters in education and taking the CSET in a single subject matter or something. But with the economy, I don't see myself teaching at all anytime soon. They have fired so many teachers, but luckily would rather hire new ones right out of college because they can pay them less. So that's good, but still I am not so sure. Working in an office for 2 years now, I can really see myself working in administration at a school or something along those lines. Who knows, hopefully I can do that.

What I really want to do is edit and make youtube videos all day long, but let's be realistic here.

12 days

2009-07-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

til I see Kelly from 5th row. I cannot WAIT. I am getting a new camera mostly just for this! Scratch that Canon I thought I was getting, I hadn't done enough research. It only had 3x optical zoom and did NOT zoom in video mode. Not okay. So then I decided on Sony Cybershot which had 5x zoom and I think does zoom in video mode. So I bought it the other day but didn't open it and decided to do a bit more research before opening it. Good thing I did because I came across a camera that had ALL the features I was looking for FINALLY. I don't know how I missed this one. It is the Panasonic Lumix DMC-TZ5. It has 9.1 megapixels which is more than enough (once you go over 8 they all kinda look the same, you don't really need all those pixels). It has 10 X OPTICAL ZOOM, and even extends to 16.9 optical zoom! It also has 4x digital zoom. This camera is actually one of the only TWO that will ZOOM in video mode. It also still has the HD video which is what my main requirement was for my new camera. I was hesitant about getting a Panasonic since I hadn't heard much about them in the whole camera area, but the reviews are better than some Canons and Nikons. I have done tons of research, watched youtube video tests of this camera, and viewed picture samples. I am pretty confident this is the one I am getting now. Now the only problem is that NO STORE CARRIES IT. So I am getting it on Ebay and have to look so hard to make sure it's a new one. I hope I get to order it today. It's about time I upgraded my 3 year old, 5 megapixel, piece of crap HP camera that has served me well and made tons of videos for me, but also provided me with tons of red eye, a TINY lcd screen, and no audio on video playback. Also the way it had to say 'charging flash' before EVERY picture at night drove me and everyone I know crazy because it took forever to take pictures. The only thing I will miss about my old camera is that it ran on rechargeable AA batteries, which was very convenient. Now I have to get used to the lithium ion battery thingy.

Anyways, Kelly here I come. My videos will be awesome and so will the pictures.

Anyways, I am doing a bit better on the friend issue I guess. I just need to realize it's okay to have a lot of fairly close friends but it's still hard when you have stuff you need to talk about and you feel like no one cares/you can't tell them anyway. I almost resorted to hanging out with a boy I should not be hanging out with because I was lonely and I kept thinking 'who's gonna know and who's gonna care? no one is keeping me in line about my choices.' But that would've been stupid and a way to get back at no one but myself.

Anyways plans are in the making to go see Maddie in Oregon in August and I am so excited. It will be my only vacation this summer and it will be so good to see her. I feel like she really cares but she is all the way in Oregon always. It's cool to see how God allowed her to come to Biola for a bit though and how He has preserved this friendship over other ones.

4th of July

2009-07-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

This weekend was 4th of July. We had a white trash party here at the house. It went okay. My sister and my friend Bry came down for the weekend and it was incredibly stressful. A lot of fighting and criticizing. We went to the beach where I got yelled at for driving 'dumb', we went shopping where I got yelled at for being too cheap and was told I'm going to end up just like my dad, we did a lot of sitting around where I was yelled at for not being a better entertainer, not having enough food and drinks, or a good environment (we are currently without AC and one of them had to sleep on floor).

Remind me not to have people visit again. I am a person that needs alone time once a day.

I just wish I had more uplifting family and friends I guess. It's been real hard lately to come to a realization that no matter how hard you try, you can't make people you thought were your close friends, be your best friends. You can't make them care about your life. I can't get close to God when I need to talk through my past with people, and I can't talk through things like that until I have someone who has been there and I feel comfortable venting to. Therefore I shouldn't let my past actions hinder what God wants to do in my life now, but it's hard to hear Him.

I will try to stop being so emo.

I am blessed.

2009-06-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

Very blessed, to have so many people in my life that are awesome and care about me. I have always been the girl that goes through best friends though. Kindergarden, fourth grade, fifth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade...all were different best friends. Then enter Biola where I have kinda drifted from that stage. I have many great friends...great friends.

But it's hard when you don't have someone super close. I think everyone needs that.

So if you have an awesome best friend, thank the Lord for them tonight.

I'm not trying to be debbie downer, I just think it's hard to keep venting to a blog and have no one that truly knows me, like that's been there for major events through the years. Like when something huge happens, I wouldn't know who I would call first, no matter what. And I want to know/have that.

But honestly though, I lay in bed at night and just think about all the awesome people in my life. I have a good life right now so leave this post on a good note. I had a good day being stupid with Heather and Lindsey and making up things to do....let's leave it at that.

Fathers Day

2009-06-21T21:07:00.001-07:00

Today is Fathers Day. Doesn't mean much for me except I send my dad a card and call him. He sounds worse everytime I talk to him. It really worries me since he lives all alone up in Idaho and won't go to the doctor that much. He better make his yearly visit soon. I really want him to move here before he is unable to do so. He is not much of a 'father', and he hardly knows me, but I am blessed to have contact with him still.

My boss is going on vacation this whole week. Which means I literally get to go to work all week and do nothing, except answer the phone and pray that no one has a serious problem that can't wait til next week. Sometimes it gets stressful, since it IS insurance, but it's more stressful for me now that the other secretary is kinda new (not really but that's a different story) and relies heavily on me for everything she does. I expect more calls at home (yes that's right, I said MORE. as in more than I already get). What I'm saying is that I will enjoy this next week at work because I won't have actual assignments to work on and I won't have to pretend to be busy when I'm done. I also just got another raise at this job, which is so great but I am pretty sure I am leaving this job for campus safety in the fall, and my boss has no idea. It's tearing me apart because both jobs have such great pros and few cons. My boss at this job has done so much for me and now I am making more money and I also know how everything works at this job and he relies on me for a lot. So it's really hard to think about leaving. I've been there 2 years in August. That is crazy to me. It just makes me ask myself, do I want to leave a job where I know how everything runs and make good money, or do I want a change of pace at a job where I have to learn so many new things but have the convenience of working on campus? Ugh.

Campus safety job is going well too. I got golf cart trained last week which was like my driving test all over again, which is weird to take when you have been driving for five years now. I will probably not drive the golf cart that much. At least I hope not. I will get distracted easily and stop and talk to people. It will be a disaster.

I am really enjoying summer but feel like I still don't have the time I want yet to do the things I wanted to. I am taking 2 online classes and have so much due tomorrow night. I need to work ahead on these classes but that's almost impossible for me. If I didn't have these classes, I would be catching up on SO many shows online, and editing videos, and organizing. But I do get to spend my free time doing other awesome things with my housemates, like watching Friends (we are on season 6 ahhh!) or playing 'the headphone game' (you turn it up so loud so you can't hear yourself and then just sing your heart out. it's my new favorite) or sneaking into hot tubs :)

I went to a new church today since my old one is officially coming to an end (even though I wasn't going anymore really :/). I have been going on Wednesdays though since summer started and this wednesday is the last. I am really going to miss it, I love all those guys. It was a good place. The new church though is called Reality LA and it's pretty awesome. It's just so hard to get a feeling of a 'home church'. I feel like I will never have that feeling like I did with my old church in Visalia. It just reminds me that things change. I also saw people last time I was home and I feel like they are still the same as they were in high school. It was almost insulting to me. They just wanted to gossip and it's like they have no room for a change in perspective. They were even talking about some people I am friends with now that we went to high school with. All of that really makes me long for true friends too. Even though I get lonely sometimes, I just think about where I was at this point last year and how extremely lucky I am to have great friends now.

Well I should stop stalling and get to some homework. I will leave you with 2 beautiful pictures of my friend Kelly, from an awards show earlier tonight! I will meet her someday. She is my best friend. Shut up.

Hard to say no.

2009-06-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

I get lonely sometimes and this current situation I am in is not helping.

But I've got people keeping me in line so I don't give in.

I can't give in. I have to believe better things will come.